AIBU to not want to give baby an English name?

[OneTonNoodles]

I'm expecting, and we're discussing baby names.

DP likes traditional, common, English/ European names. His family is full of Elizabeth, Peter, David's.

I have a DS named Aryan from a previous relationship. I like unusual, uncommon, and would prefer an ethnic name that goes with DS.

I know they're not the same person so they don't need to match but I'd find Persephone and Keith as a sibset jarring.

I'm willing to compromise and choose an ethnic name that is also used in the West e.g. Nina, but DP is not having any of it.

His points are, 1. I got to name DS 2. We live in England. 3. He made 1 suggestion for an unusual name he was semi-ok with and I laughed at him. Therefore IABU.

I don't think I am because I said we can compromise.

The OP isn't white, what a moronic response.

This! All the posters frothing when they thought the op was white!!

He’s given you nothing to work with, he’ll say you’ve given him nothing to work with, and it won’t be resolved with you each waiting for the other to come up with something you might like, or you on your own going away with his requirements to find something you like. I know you say you’re both stubborn and like arguing, but I think this would be a good starting point for collaboration, going through name lists together and discussing them, what you like, what you don’t. At the moment he has no knowledge of heritage and meaning of names you like and through doing the homework together you’ll find some gems and not a compromise, but the ideal name you both love and will raise together.

I like Helen as a good English-Indian cross. Sophia/Safiyah.

YANBU to want your DC's name to be something you like and something that reflects their ethnicity. Your DP isn't being unreasonable to want a name he likes and that reflects his ethnicity. Both of you are going to need to compromise though!

Children I know/have taught who have a similar background to your DC include:

Caspar, Daniel, Hari, Jasper, Nathan, Sam,
Esther, Hana, Jasmine, Leila, Lila, Sofie, Zara

What is DS's last name? If he has your name, maybe use DP's as a middle name/first last name(!) so both your children share a family name e.g. First name - DP's last name - Your last name

@JanisMoplin It totally depends on your background, I think. I studied the Second World War/Nazi Germany at school and have lived in Germany - in all honesty, I immediately associate "Aryan" with Aryan race and the horrors associated with that abhorrent theory. I've never heard of "Aryan" as a name.

But I'm nearly 50 so it's probably a generational thing and also my own ignorance.

Oh hello @JanisMoplin ! That reminds me OP there is now a South Asian MN board where you might find a good place to ask for ideas or cultural specific qs www.mumsnet.com/talk/south-asian-mumsnetters

It's not a surprise to non-white people and I'm always shocked and saddened by the lack of intervention from MNHQ regarding this.
I've seen a massive increase over the last few years, and all we can do is challenge each and every time.

@OneTonNoodles not sure I see the compromise in any of the names you’ve suggested. Certainly no flex in your partners.

Tricky one! Maya, Mia, Harri, Zac, Max ? All not too traditional English (well Harry is, but the spelling change maybe) but uncommon enough? Or this? www.babycenter.in/babyname/25074990/ivaan

Not everyone does, it’s not racist to not have heard of it as a name before. Learning about WW2 in school, as a lot of people in the uk will have done, it’s not unreasonable to do a double take when you see the word Aryan…

Amber/Ambar works in English and most Indian subcontinent languages, plus Arabic, Spanish and phonetically in French, Italian and others. For popularity it is currently in the 80s in the UK, but was in the 40s as recently as 15 years ago.

There's a huge amount of ignorance on the baby name boards.
People can be incredibly rude about names from other cultures. It doesn't seem to occur to some people that names have different meanings and associations in different countries, languages, religions and cultures.
It's not at the extreme end of racism but it is race privilege I think.
The first thing we must do is acknowledge our ignorance and keep an open mind.

The term “Aryan” IS racist - at least it is here in the U.S.

Google “Aryan Nation,” for example.

No it's not. The Aryan Nation are racist. Just like the EDL in the UK. But that doesn't magically make each individual word in those organisations' names racist. Just because Hitler once used a word, it doesn't mean the rest of us have to stop using it in another, entirely unrelated, context.

Also OP isn't in America. Why should a racist organisation in another country have any bearing on her name choice?

@Mookie81 It’s not racist to have heard a word in a certain context and to have no idea that this word is a name in other cultures. It’s ignorance, pure and simple, there’s nothing malicious behind it.

I don’t live in my country of birth and the area I live in is majority non-white. My name isn’t used here, I’ve literally met one other person with it since I’ve lived here… and she’s from the same country as me.

I like Quinn actually, but I've heard it for boys and girls. So very much a unisex name, which can cause issues.

I don't know if you need both boys and girls names, but something exotic sounding might work.

Like Rubee / Ruby or Zane for a boy

Well said. The important thing is to admit ignorance and learn from it.

Simonjt, instead of making what you think are smart remarks, why not look up the word Aryan — its meaning in English and its very well known use by the nazis? Why would you want a child in England to carry that name?

They were my top picks. My compromise names are Nina, Ana /Anna and Summer.

Some posters might be shocked to know that Indians also use swastikas quite widely. We had them before the Nazis.

Might make a rangoli one to really cement my white supremacy ideology 🤣

I think you should absolutely give your second child a name that goes with Ds to help Ds feel more included. For me making my first child feel more comfortable and part of the family unit would trump his other arguments. Your dp can name the second child if he really thinks he's missing out but he can pick an Indian name. Do you know what you are having? I think there are many girl's names that can pass for both, e.g. Sheila, Leela, etc.

The U.K. seems quite divided between people who live in multicultural environments and people who live in areas are still predominantly white - small towns in the Home Counties, deep countryside etc - who ‘haven’t heard’ of stuff outside British/western culture.

We don't know yet.

I am worried about DS. He's a lovely kid, but keeps things bottled.

DP is the first guy that's been around him since ex. Now he's going to have a sibling, who looks different with an alien name.

I'm probably overthinking it. Kids are resilient.

I'd just prefer either an Indian leaning or a name that works for both of us.

Maybe it's awful of me but I don't see myself as a mother to a child with the names he's picked.

I absolutely don’t think you’re overthinking it, and identity crisis is common in kids and adults with parents from different cultures

"Multicultural environments" is such a broad term though and it doesn't imply a wide knowledge of other cultures. I'm fairly well-informed on Filipino culture, because I have a Filipino family member. I also know a bit about Japan as I have friends who live there. It doesn't mean I'm well-informed about names/cultural norms in other Asian countries.

I did know that the swastika was an ancient symbol.

I'm not in your situation but I'd be worried too. Not saying that you should be (and I'm a massive overthinker and worrier) but that I would reasonably or unreasonably be concerned. He's got a different father and he will look different to your dp and second child. I think giving your second child a name of the same ethnic origin will help the two kids feel more bonded.

I thought of a boy's name that could pass for both: Neel.

I think you need to have a a very thorough chat with your dp about 1. How to make your son not feel left out when the baby arrives and 2. Raising mixed heritage children.