AIBU to not want to give baby an English name?

[OneTonNoodles]

I'm expecting, and we're discussing baby names.

DP likes traditional, common, English/ European names. His family is full of Elizabeth, Peter, David's.

I have a DS named Aryan from a previous relationship. I like unusual, uncommon, and would prefer an ethnic name that goes with DS.

I know they're not the same person so they don't need to match but I'd find Persephone and Keith as a sibset jarring.

I'm willing to compromise and choose an ethnic name that is also used in the West e.g. Nina, but DP is not having any of it.

His points are, 1. I got to name DS 2. We live in England. 3. He made 1 suggestion for an unusual name he was semi-ok with and I laughed at him. Therefore IABU.

I don't think I am because I said we can compromise.

I would have laughed, too.

Harlequin is ridiculous.

Can you imagine? At customs… a very unfortunate combination for first and second names.

Peeshit 😂😂 I’d have to always refer to them in this way..

I have long since lost touch but I never told her.

How mixed race though? I’ve got a British name because although I’ve got Indian heritage it’s not relevant. I don’t speak Indian, the closest I’ve been is Nepal and neither parent has any links to India since partition.
I think parents pick a name on the point they want to make. Agree that and chose a name that fits.

Yeah, @jamoncrumpets — I would’ve as well.

In the States we have an abhorrent, racist group who call themselves “Aryan Nation.”
That’s the first thing I thought when I read the name.

Well I don’t think anyone speaks Indian…anyway, OP has clearly stated their baby will be half Indian.

1. Read the thread, the baby will be half Indian
2. Nobody speaks "Indian"

@PeekAtYou

The term “Aryan” IS racist - at least it is here in the U.S.

Google “Aryan Nation,” for example.

On it’s face, yeah, but maybe he has a child from a previous relationship called ‘The Joker’.

I wouldn't say pressure. I think he has some anxiety (which he denies). He's the first person in his family to seriously if ever date outside his race. His family is very repressed and proper. They don't like to deal with anything unpleasant and paste a smile on their faces. It's all odd and Stepfordy.

My family is the opposite. We're loud and brash.

We'll never know if they accept us but I hope me being nice and polite and their son being happy is enough for them.

There are a fair few Indian names that also sound fine in English so there is plenty of choice. He just needs to do a bit of research. However I don't think it's all that weird to have different styles of names. We have a very English named DS and and a reasonably unusual ethnically DD because we adopted and those are the names that they came with. Think Tomas and Halina (not the actual names). Not a single person has ever mentioned that they find it odd.

I would point out to your partner that you want find a compromise that you are both happy with, but that he should be aware that he is bargaining from an extremely weak position so he should focus on not alienating you if he wants to have any input at all. You aren't married so he can't register the birth unless you are with him, but you can register the birth without him. He cannot overrule your choice without your agreement.

For what it’s worth, the English tradition is that the baby has the mother’s surname if the parents aren’t married, and the father’s surname if they are married. So if he really wants to be traditional, he can either marry you, or accept that the baby will have your surname.

Your problem isn’t names, it’s that your DP is used to getting his own way if he refuses to compromise for long enough. Sounds exhausting!

If he wants a ‘top ten’ name that means he’s only suggested eleven names (inclusing Harlequin 🤣). Not on. I bet you’ve suggested way more than that.

DH and I struggled with names too. He didn’t like my suggestions, but only had two ideas of his own. By the time DD was a week old she STILL didn’t have a name! So I gave up trying to agree and started referring to the baby as Thea. Suddenly he had lots more ideas for names and we were finally able to agree one.

If his family are a bit stuffy and difficult then I would probably give his surname, just to avoid argument. Those kind of people can often be extremely weird about their name continuing down the generations.

The advice I could give is to both make a (long) shortlist, like 100 names. Without looking or debating. Then each of you has a veto power on each and every name from the other person's long list as you merge. Perhaps 200 names will be whittled down to none, but with any luck you'll get some onto a mutually agreed list of possibilities. Do you know it's a boy? if not you could always have a girl's list and a boy's list. You might be able to compromise on spelling to anglicise the name?

Some name ideas that sound 'English' to my ear that might work include Amber, Amberlee, Anaka, Candy, Darsha, Miriam, Devi & Didi, Kalinda, Kamala, Pritti, Saleena/Leena might be worth considering for a girl
Unfortunately boys names are trickier. My only real idea with what might pass muster with your OH for boy's names is Herman or David (which can be shortened to Davy).

Good luck and best wishes

I like Harley and Quinn but not harlequin. As pps have said, they both go well with your other name.

DP is getting a bit of a pasting. In general he's great. Does his share, is great with DS and we get on.

We're both stubborn and love some arguing. However, it's never nasty and not been over anything as serious as naming another human.

Those saying Harlequin is out of character for someone who likes traditional names. I agree! Which is why I thought he was joking and I laughed.

Some names he's mentioned: Emma, Harriet, Arthur, Eleanor.
Unusual pick: Harlequin.

My list: Zia, Cyra, Pari.
Unusual pick: Zephyr.

His mum suggested Francis/Frances 🤐

Or, maybe they have only ever heard the word Aryan in a 3rd Reich context. Lack of exposure to its use as a name in Indian culture does not make someone racist.

Both those 2 sets of names are too far one way, what were your compromise suggestions OP? I can see why you don’t like his list, and I can see why he doesn’t like yours.

I like Eleanor - don’t really care for the rest of his list. zephyr wind/car?

Not trying to be goady here, but what is ‘those kind of people’?

For what it’s worth, the English tradition is that the baby has the mother’s surname if the parents aren’t married, and the father’s surname if they are married.

That isn't true. It's just that (traditionally!) when the parents are married both surnames are the same.

With the help of the internet, and relatives' memories, why don't you go up/down/across both family trees to see if there are any names that appeal.

DD has a friend called Aryan (which we all pronounce 'Arry-an").

I like Dhruv or Kiran for a boy

Maybe Aadya or Anika for a girl?

If I was you I would be picking a nameI loved, first and foremost. Of course, you might not be able to settle on a name you both love. Failing that, I'd go for something which has Indian origins but is also common in the UK.

eg. Maryam, Alisha, Anita, Lila, Maya, etc.

I would remind hubby that he chose to be with you and your child - he chose to become part of the package, therefore he should respect your ethnicity, views and diverse names from where you are from. A compromise for him could be to select the name he wants as the middle name(s)
Mum is always right so he will have to deal with that unfortunately!

I think too many non ethnic people expect ethnic people to drop their background/heritage just to please them or so they "fit in better"! I say hell no!!

Uniqueness is what makes us all so special and individual. I'm guessing baby is a girl? If so how precious and congratulations!! If baby is a girl (OP's mini me) i believe mum should name her little princess and hubby should be willing to compromise for his family.

Just be mindful baby will be of mixed heritage so a name that is "too white" or "too Indian" might not suit her (if OP is having a girl)

Good Luck & All The Best