To find this overt racism totally shocking in 2022

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

With the extended in-laws yesterday. Had a conversation about society and the role of state vs individual. All good and better than the usual run of the mill smalltalk. However in the middle of it SIL made a comment so outrageous and racist that shocked all of us in the room.

She kept on repeating it. This is an educated woman in her late 50s.

For full disclosure no one was drinking.

My AIBU is that I can't let it go. Is that normal?I woke up this morning feeling quite unsettled. I can't now see her as anything other than a racist bigot.

I can't go low contact as one of her adult DC lives with my family so for the sake of the DC (who is great) I have to suck it up.

Coping strategies?

Obviously it’s not ok, but what are you expecting from this thread?

What did she say?

What was the racist comment? Without knowing it literally no-one on here can say whether what she said was appropriate or not.

Did anyone challenge it? That's what I'd have done.

I dont know what replies you expect when you don't even say what she said ..

But hard to suggest 'coping strategies' if no one knows if your SIL is a racist or if you're just perpetually offended and blowing it out of proportion. So what did she say?

Yes. I did. A lot.

She asking for coping strategies in the op. I'd guess that's what she's expecting.

Without saying what she said and in what context and for what purpose its impossible to say isnt it.

I notice that people think things are sexist, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, gaslighting and all manner of words when often they're not. And often they are, so without knowing what came before or after the comment its impossible to say

My MIL does this from time to time. I genuinely don’t believe she is racist, purely because she says all sorts of outrageous crap from time to time just to get attention. It’s always offensive, said at volume and often in public. We’ve found the best technique is to block her out of the conversation; so just carry on the conversation and then when she repeats the statement someone just says in a loud form voice “yes we heard you” and then carry’s on speaking.
if you try and call her out you get sucked into a debate or argument, so we just starve it if oxygen.

Why is 'late-50s' relevant? Not all older people are racist, nor younger blameless.

But op isn't asking you to judge if it was racist or not. She states clearly that it was.

She's asking how to handle the family dynamics now.

What on Earth are coping strategies?!

Either confront it or don't, keep your distance or don't. Like you do generally with people you don't share opinions or views with.

Pointless thread without context OP.

If it's as horrendous as you make out then obviously you go NC and stand your ground but as you're unwilling to do this you're condoning the behaviour and are at least partially responsible for the racism.

Just kidding about being responsible but not about putting up with it, draw a line.

I believe what I am asking for is how to cope with upsetting behaviour from an unexpected place. Not a judgment on whether I should have been upset or not.

If I'd said she'd said ' All girls are stupid because they have a vagina' for example it would have been a similarly shocking comment although of course she didn't say this.

I imagine your only coping strategy options are to;

ignore
continue challenging

I dunno what other options there are tbh

WOW. Your thread definitely drew out all of the racists very quickly OP! Desperate to cover up their own racism by defending their fellow racist with 'maybe you're just too sensitive'.

Coping strategies are strategies to enable one to cope with a particular situation.

I can't go NC because one of their DC lives with me.

Aren't family get togethers meant to be fun? Who wants boring conversations about society where it's obvious people will have strong opinions and the discussion will get heated.

If you called it out what did the others present think ?

I don’t think it’s the thread, I think it’s the title.

”this” overt racism - people except to know what the racist comment was.

A title like “there’s no place for overt racism” is a more general comment, and people wouldn’t be expecting this particular in this particular conversation.

How so? We don't know what was said. So maybe a perfectly valid opinion had been taken out of context. Maybe something was said that was as bad as the OP makes out. Do you always assume racism with so little evidence?

We have someone at work like this and I agree the tactic is great.

Tbf to her she spent make outrageous statements but she'll do something (drop lunch down her) or say something stupid to draw attention to herself.

I'm often trying to get others to continue what we were discussing and give it no air time.

Nice firestarter.

They were very very quiet. Although to be fair my MIL is hugely and serially racist but I joke at it or ignore it depending on the context and have done for the last 25 years.

This was....unexpected