To find this overt racism totally shocking in 2022

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

With the extended in-laws yesterday. Had a conversation about society and the role of state vs individual. All good and better than the usual run of the mill smalltalk. However in the middle of it SIL made a comment so outrageous and racist that shocked all of us in the room.

She kept on repeating it. This is an educated woman in her late 50s.

For full disclosure no one was drinking.

My AIBU is that I can't let it go. Is that normal?I woke up this morning feeling quite unsettled. I can't now see her as anything other than a racist bigot.

I can't go low contact as one of her adult DC lives with my family so for the sake of the DC (who is great) I have to suck it up.

Coping strategies?

I’m never surprised.
I’m continually appalled.

@DownToTheSeaAgain there are books around that will help you with how to challenge racism from your family members.

The Good Ally by Nova Reid is brilliant, and has real useable advice on what to say and how to behave in situations like this.

It will help you, and you’re not unreasonable to ask for support in how to respond.

As white people we don’t get taught how to be proactively anti-racist. What we do get taught is how to minimise, deny, ignore, or “joke” in the presence of racism from overt to covert. As evidenced by a lot of comments on this thread.

We can do better. Go get a copy of The Good Ally and read it with an open mind.

Thank you

Silence, ignoring, leaving the room, & frowning are not effective in reducing the harm caused by racism.

Shame is also not helpful.

I get it. It feels shameful to realise that you’ve been unintentionally adding to the harm caused by racism in our society. Been there, felt the burn.

We white people are capable of moving past the shame and denial, and getting to the part where we do better, and do things that reduce the harm, and help it stop hurting Black and Brown women, children and men so very very badly.

It can start with reading a book, or following a few anti-racism writers and speakers on your socials.

Nova Reid
Reni Eddo-Lodge
Akala
Afua Hirsch
David Olusoga

Add any one of those, on your Fb, insta or twitter, and just listen with an open heart and mind, and an intention to do less harm, even unintentional harm.

That will start filling in the gaps where the National Curriculum and our education system missed out a shit ton of important stuff.

@DownToTheSeaAgain you’re welcome. I’ve been in a similar place to where you are, shocked at an overtly racist behaviour from someone I loved.

It shook me out of my complacency and the sort of coasting along mostly ignoring and thinking not joining in was enough, and that racism had gone away or would go away on its own or at least without me needing to do anything uncomfortable.

So many of the comments on this thread are hurtful and harmful to Black women. Mumsnet needs to do better at setting the tone and being actively anti-racist.

This thread has annoyed me so much. You have come on here complaining about your own feelings in relation to racism (do you want a badge for being offended - that’s normal) and then you tell everyone you have been laughing at your MIL FOR 25 YEARS when she has been racist. It’s disgusting. So after 25 years and because SIL is younger you are suddenly offended enough to do something?

because you have overlooked the racism for 25 YEARS (honestly wtf) then you, I think, need to actually sit down and say “I’ve had enough of this racist household. Next time someone spouts anything racist I'm
off/not coming back”. What does your husband say?! His mother and his sister?! Why hasn’t HE said anything?

I had a client describe that kind of brown to me also. I almost fell over told her that's not the kind of word she should be using at all if she wanted the item I was selling. Unbelievable what people will say.

Re op asking for support on how to handle it i don't see that as a bad thing . My daughter who is white has a lot of black and Asian friends . When she hears a white person at uni saying derogatory things she stands up to them but does get upset and asks for ways to manage these people. She always acts as though she would if her friends could hear even if they aren't there . The fact that these things are even said upsets her to point where she feels guilty for being in that person's presence and she doesn't know what to do with that emotion. She isn't trying to be a saviour to act offended she's just hurt that people can be so cruel. I don't see it as she's taking it as her place to speak for people who experience racism but if she wasn't offended it would be more concerning. Her friends are lovely and say as long as she challenges it that's all they'd expect her to do. If we don't come together to support each other to fight bigotry what else can we do.

@Bednobsbroomsticks

it didn’t bother her for 25 years when her MIL was being openly racist.

Yes saw that but was referring to asking for advice generally on how to handle racism x

This thread has been very interesting. With reference to my MIL who is now in her late 80s and has been slightly senile ever since I met her I couldn't see the value in aggressively pulling her up on her views every time. I see from this thread that some think that this is hypocritical. You'd have to know her and understand that a full on attack would have been and continues to be the wrong tactic for her. She would be upset and confused in the short term and absolutely nothing would change because it wouldn't really go in.

However my thread was more about coping with racism from unexpected sources and I've had lots of great suggestions for further reading so thanks for all of that.

I don't think there is much more you could have done. You say you challenged them a lot. If you feel there was anything you wished you had said, pop it into an email to them..

I think racism can often surprise especially if you think you know the person. But, you challenge in a way that hopefully makes them think...

The insidious racism is the one that's hard to deal with as it lurked in the shadows. The overt racism should be easier to address.

In terms of coping more broadly I think you are asking how do you navigate these relationships. I think you continue to challenge and recognise that the person is not who you thought they were. Minimise contact too - as much as is feasible.