To find this overt racism totally shocking in 2022

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

With the extended in-laws yesterday. Had a conversation about society and the role of state vs individual. All good and better than the usual run of the mill smalltalk. However in the middle of it SIL made a comment so outrageous and racist that shocked all of us in the room.

She kept on repeating it. This is an educated woman in her late 50s.

For full disclosure no one was drinking.

My AIBU is that I can't let it go. Is that normal?I woke up this morning feeling quite unsettled. I can't now see her as anything other than a racist bigot.

I can't go low contact as one of her adult DC lives with my family so for the sake of the DC (who is great) I have to suck it up.

Coping strategies?

Apologies. Click bait title not intended. Just reeling a little and hoping for some advice amongst the usual bilge on AIBU.

But that sort of thing is regularly said here about men. I.e making misandry comments just because thay are men and indeed on the FWR section being very open and blatant about it.

Either way you need to just accept some people have unpalatable views. You can have different views and be clear you don't share those views.

Lol, well she said it is, so it must!😁

The only way I get through family get together is not to talk about politics, religion or race.

Coping strategies is so dramatic, like you may need to collapse onto a fainting couch at any moment.

Either confront her or ignore it. She's in your family, and, you know, some people you end up related to are arseholes 🤷🏻‍♀️

I like the idea of a fainting couch. Do they make portable ones?

If I'd said she'd said ' All girls are stupid because they have a vagina' for example it would have been a similarly shocking comment although of course she didn't say this.

I think there are racist comments which are basically positive but ignorant eg. 'All black boys are strong and sporty.' There are a lot of stereotypes like this in education and I would challenge it but not get overly upset. If it was a very negative opinion then I don't know... Hope that you have changed their mind though they're too proud to admit it.

Ignore or challenge.
I would definitely look upon someone differently if they made an offensive comment, but feeling so 'unsettled ' that need to ask for coping strategies, seems like a bit of an over reaction, do you not get out much ?

Dunno I've never needed one, not being a frail Victorian lady 😆

Nobody has said that.

I too would like to know what she said to make a judgement. My FIL has made statements like 'I knew I was in the right places when I saw all the darkies on the street', and 'greasy Mexicans steal everything' and 'black people are genetically disposed to be fat'. I'm not white. We're now very very low contact and he's not allowed to stay over at my home. Luckily he lives abroad. I have never let a single statement slide and after the last one told DH if he made one single more remark of that ilk he would never see his dgc again. In terms of age your MIL isn't old so there is no excuse. I would let off a 90 yo with dementia perhaps. It depends how important it is to you to not have those statements made in your or your dcs presence.

Do you have to have a strategy as such? You now know that your SIL is a racist idiot, so you just regard her as such and continue to challenge her whenever she says racist things.

no need to post what was said we all know what is and what isn’t racist there is no confusion

not surprised look at themselves raging at Megan daring to show up all over sm

No. I don't get out much. I'm basically a frail Victorian lady with a social conscience.

Good on you OP for calling her out. Too many people let overt racism go within their families as it’s easier to convince yourself that DM, DF, DB etc are ‘not racist’ but just have no filter. No, they are racist, unless we are now dealing with levels of racism where there is a scale where some low level racist behaviour has suddenly become okay.

How to cope? Either accept that she is narrow-minded and perceives things differently from you, and expect her to come out with similar crap and ignore it. Or, challenge her and try to educate her. The second one would be better, but it depends on whether she is prepared to listen. She may be intelligent or stupid, only you know that, but to paraphrase Mark Twain, it's pointless arguing with stupid people.

Nothing wrong with having a social conscience, it's feeling so upset by a comment that you need to start a thread and ask for coping strategies that's the problem.

At least if her dch lives with you, you can gently discuss these views with them and point out what you think.

WOW. Your thread definitely drew out all of the racists very quickly OP! Desperate to cover up their own racism by defending their fellow racist with 'maybe you're just too sensitive'

Don't be so ridiculous.

We have no idea whether the comment was racist or not as the op won't divulge it. We only know she was offended. The perpetually-offended-over-nothing brigade often frequent mn and op may well be one of those. Or possibly not. Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

Where? I've just read the comments, not a single word.

I believe what I am asking for is how to cope with upsetting behaviour from an unexpected place.

I had this about 10 days ago, quite shocked me, too. From a neighbour I know well as an acquaintance, I've done a lot of favours for him over last 2 years and would like to continue helping him out. This gentleman is 87, has worked all over the world, married a foreign lady too. Never said anything like this before. He used the N word twice, in a context where the word "locals" would have sounded harmless & appropriate.

I was too shocked to confront him in the moment. If it happens again, I have practised I am going to say words like "John, you can't say that! You should say "Locals" instead. That word is off limits, you know that." In a mild scolding tone. Keep it light-hearted but firm.

@beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is it better to internalise it? I'd always thought that sampling the views of my fellow (wo)man via Mumsnet was a very good way of putting things in perspective.

It is basically free therapy for the thick skinned.

Actually, fainting couch aside, this is the best suggestion yet. Thank you.

Her adult child lives with you. How much contact do you need to have with her?

How to handle it, well, you speak up. That's a disgusting and untrue thing to say. I can't believe you are racist.

I'm not understanding why her adult offspring living with you means you have to have an ongoing relationship with her.

What did she say?