To find this overt racism totally shocking in 2022

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

With the extended in-laws yesterday. Had a conversation about society and the role of state vs individual. All good and better than the usual run of the mill smalltalk. However in the middle of it SIL made a comment so outrageous and racist that shocked all of us in the room.

She kept on repeating it. This is an educated woman in her late 50s.

For full disclosure no one was drinking.

My AIBU is that I can't let it go. Is that normal?I woke up this morning feeling quite unsettled. I can't now see her as anything other than a racist bigot.

I can't go low contact as one of her adult DC lives with my family so for the sake of the DC (who is great) I have to suck it up.

Coping strategies?

There is racism everywhere, some places in Somerset I just would not advise anyone who is not white to go like Bridgwater - home of The Hills Have Eyes and the recent beating of Mondli Khumalo the cricketer that was in all the papers recently.
I've heard some truly shocking things when I've had black students working with me (NHS). I've reported all the incidents and they have been dealt with but I've been appalled by how many incidents there have been.
It was exactly the same when I worked in Sussex, I'd hear rascist comments in the NHS all day long from people who assumed I wanted to hear that stuff because I'm white - they don't know my family is black. They soon did and tried to backtrack but the damage was done.
I report every single incident in the hopes its unacceptable one day soon but I haven't seen any evidence of that.

Haven't asked you to internalise it. Opening line of initial comment was ignore or challenge.
Well I hope my view has helped you put a little perspective on it.

How did she react when you challenged her?

I’d call her on it

I have no idea why confronting racism is so hard but it clearly is

it takes practice as the person you speak with with most likely react negatively

the term ‘racist’ is a confrontational one

so it’s communicating it without using a trigger term that might turn it into an argument

but I’m the same and it makes me feel very different about people

The problem with you can't say that is it basically means you're right to think it but you have to remember not to say it out loud.

I always challenge, challenge, challenge. Yes but why do you think that? Okay but why? How is that true? I don’t understand what you mean? Please explain that further to me? Where are you getting your evidence of that from? That is a racist statement to make etc.

I definitely don’t ignore and just hope that getting them to repeat it makes it click in their head as to wtf they are actually saying. People will deny they are racist until they are blue in the face when they have just said something so obviously racist. Not sure what else you can do apart from going low contact.

‘Had a conversation about society and the role of state vs individual. All good and better than the usual run of the mill smalltalk.’

Wow sounds fun …… not

Did she apologise when you challenged her?
Did anyone else disagree with her?

If it's the first time ever, and you clearly stated your view, then I would see how she is next time you happen to see her (but not plan specifically to get together)

Hopefully it was very obvious that she was unacceptable and she won't do it again
If she does, challenge it again. Ask her straight out not to say racist or unkind things in front of you or your family. Tell her outright it is not acceptable

In which case you already have well practised tactics. Are you really surprised the apple didn’t fall far from the tree?

For people like that I say things that I know would deliberately wind them up

I have an in-law who is difficult to get on with. She isn't racist, but she comes out with a lot of other stuff that I find difficult to be around. I realized what it came down was one of two choices, either pull her up on it, have a huge row and fall out, and make my sibling's life more difficult and maybe have no further contact with them. Or suck it up, try to avoid the difficult topics and only see them for short periods of time, and keep in touch with my brother and be there for him when he needs me. For me it was most important to keep the contact open with my brother, so I just deal with it.

Sounds horrible OP - just sharing my own experience in case helpful! My FiL makes bigoted comments. More often misogynistic or homophobic than racist, but he has his moments. We had several massive blow out arguments when DH and I were first together and again when DD was born. DH didn't step in but he always supported me. These days FiL knows that if he says something like that I won't let it lie, so although I cannot cut him out of my life because he is important to DH and DD, he knows that he doesn't have a free pass to say offensive shit around my family. I can't change him, but at least I have successfully shut him up!

I think in all these family get together conversations, someone often say something inappropriate. We had massive fallings out over the years. Some even resulted in relatives not talking for years. It happens. You just have to call it out. Say you find that unacceptable, and are disappointed she feels that like. Please don't say that again. You won't change her views, but you can ensure they are not shared with the wider family. My DM, especially as she got older, said some terrible things, about all sorts of people. She lost all concept on what was socially acceptable. We just either ignored her and changed the subject, often quietly apologised to the person she had offended, or challenged her when the behaviour was totally unacceptable. She often apologised later.

This is an excellent, even if not peace keeping, approach.

For those saying that talking about politics is boring, not for me.

I too would struggle to cope with my own conscience if I heard overt racism and just sat there not saying anything, and then was entertaining the idea of being friendly with this person.

Family member or no family member, if someone says something racist they're out, or I am. I have a responsibility to myself and my son to protect him from people with foul views, we do not need to socialise with anyone like that.

I tend to go very quiet, and then say 'sorry, what was that you said?'
They repeat, I say 'Sorry, I'm still not quite catching your drift?'
They repeat again, usually by this point they can 'hear' themselves and realise that they've said something disgusting.

Then I say, 'I thought that was what you said' then turn to someone else and change the situation.

My FIL is a racist fucker who will not be 'called out' without losing his rag, so that's my preferred approach.

I'd just think she has a different opinion to me and say nothing. The time to confront her has gone. You should've done it when she said what you didn't like.

some of the comments are upsetting to
me, like fake faint- wtf, that insults me as a woman or colour.

Although to be fair my MIL is hugely and serially racist but I joke at it or ignore it depending on the context and have done for the last 25 years.

@DownToTheSeaAgain sorry when your mil is racist you joke?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How is that ok?

I need to leave this depressing thread before it ruins my day

What.
did.
she.
say?

I assume you have known this women for a long time and she has said one racist comment and now your asking for coping strategies. Do you think she is suddenly going to go full on BNP every time you see her.

I'd love to know what she said.

But because she isn't prone to racist outbursts maybe in the next several years when she is due a BNP out burst just say 'thats a really cuntish thing to say'?...

@cheekyfucker101

Why would you love to hear a racist comment?

This!!!

@to be fair my MIL is hugely and serially racist but I joke at it or ignore it depending on the context and have done for the last 25 years.

So - if that's the strategy that sits right with you, why do you feel you need to act/feel/cope differently with this 'new' one?