To find this overt racism totally shocking in 2022

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

With the extended in-laws yesterday. Had a conversation about society and the role of state vs individual. All good and better than the usual run of the mill smalltalk. However in the middle of it SIL made a comment so outrageous and racist that shocked all of us in the room.

She kept on repeating it. This is an educated woman in her late 50s.

For full disclosure no one was drinking.

My AIBU is that I can't let it go. Is that normal?I woke up this morning feeling quite unsettled. I can't now see her as anything other than a racist bigot.

I can't go low contact as one of her adult DC lives with my family so for the sake of the DC (who is great) I have to suck it up.

Coping strategies?

@QuebecBagnet

i have reposted your post as I don’t want to read racist behaviour/comments. For many of us it’s is pretty triggering and upsetting

This is an AIBU - so we're deciding whether you're being unreasonable or MIL us...which we can't do until you say what she said.

I had a well educated man with total seriousness call me a racist because I said I liked Wetherspoons...

My husband has a family member like this and like you we can’t cut this person out of our lives. They’re married to someone who is the total opposite, I don’t know how they put up with it tbh. Things we’ve done: challenge if we think we can do it without inviting more racist/sexist comments (this person doubles down sometimes, I think to be deliberately argumentative and draw attention), completely ignoring them and making an obvious point of changing the subject, and removing them from the family WhatsApp group if they make any comment that anyone finds offensive and only allowing them back in when they’ve apologised (not that I think the apologies are always sincere). If I thought this person had it in them to change I’d put the effort in but they definitely don’t ☹️

I got so sick of this from my 'hilarious' brothers in law, who would be deliberately racist or homophobic in front of me because of our totally different backgrounds; that I now refuse to go to see them. Dh is totally different but they are proper never left the village men who think I'm a snooty southerner (I'm not!)
The final straws were one of them moaning about somewhere in their nearest city 'There's not a white face in that place, it's disgusting' and another putting posts about how fabulous Tommy Robinson is all over his FB.
They know how I feel - even though they profess not to 'get' what's wrong with their attitudes. Just not seeing them is the easiest way

So what was the comment?

And was the audience all white?

Take her out for a coffee and tell her you find her racism abhorrent, and you don't want her expressing her opinions near any of your grandchildren or children - whomever are the younger generation. Point out she'd never be able to do a role as a school governor of councillor with such hateful views, and then educate her by recounting personal anecdotes applying to people you know, and how experiencing racism has been deeply upsetting to them and in which ways.

Alsospeak to the child who.lives with you and say you like/love them, but are not going to let these comments be said again, by their mother, without challenging them, so prepare for some fall out.

I love how you’ve made her racism against ethnic minorities all about you, OP. No thought for those who must bear the brunt of her racism and micro aggressions in day to day life, it’s all about ‘coping strategies’ for you, OP.

Although to be fair my MIL is hugely and serially racist but I joke at it or ignore it depending on the context and have done for the last 25 years.

That’s pretty vile and cowardly behaviour I think.

coping strategies for comments from relatives? - leave it to her dc, who i imagine will call her out!

You don’t need coping strategies, you confronted her and you’ve made your feelings clear.

if she repeats this behaviour just repeat the above, she will not change her mindset, but at least she’ll know better than to voice her racism in front of you,

The older members of DP family are sometimes horribly racist, his DM in particular. I’m mixed-race and when I first met them they looked at me as if they’d never seen a non-white person before - not possible as they have they had strong family links with South Africa.

Some of the nonsense they come out with was a real eye-opener, I could feel DP cringe under the weight of his mother’s ignorance. I called her out on it every single time.

I honestly think she sees me as an unreasonable ‘leftie’ but at least now she keeps her offensive comments to herself.

Ok so going from your sexist example - not sure why you're happy to put up sexist examples but not say what the actual racist comment was - I'd assume it was something along the lines of 'black people are all stupid anyway'. In which case why not just question it ie 'what makes you think that?' SIL then gives one example of one black person saying/doing something she considers stupid and then you can say 'but if a white person did something like that would you think that all white people were stupid?'

If MIL is racist surely it's not a huge surprise to find SIL is? I don't know why you have to suck any of it up because one of her lovely children lives with your family? If they're lovely surely they won't have a problem with you calling out racism.

@Staynow

why do you think it’s ok to state a racist statement ?

Say something like - blimey you'll be telling us you're a fan of Jim davidson next etc

So you have challenged it, you could go very LC and only if it's necessary. But ridiculously dramatic on needing coping strategies.

I dont understand why you won't say what was said, it would make it a lot easier for people to advise.

Does her kid live with you because his mum’s a racist a-hole?

You want coping strategies? A quick heads up - framing yourself as a victim in this situation isn't a good look.

The op stated a sexist statement as an example. And we regularly hear sexist (against men) and racist against white people views on Mumsnet.

It should be one rule for everyone.

Now it's very very obvious from my posts that I was taking a gentle potshot at the OP about asking for 'coping strategies' for something so obvious - either challenge or ignore. Quite clearly nobody went 'racist comments? Fine, what's the problem'

One strategy is to directly say ‘your disgusting racist rhetoric is just that, disgusting. And every single time you mention anything like it, I will directly challenge you, publicly if need be on your language and appalling prejudice. In the meantime, don’t speak to me directly, ever unless it is to do with the needs of xxxxxx. I find your behaviour intolerable and want nothing to do with you’

And then just ignore her, or simply remove yourself and your children from any conversation she becomes involved in that you are also a part of, and make it clear why you are doing so.

Behaviour like hers continues because it’s not robustly challenged enough and there are no consequences for it. Make both did these things happen and hopefully she’ll stop, around you at least.

Although to be fair my MIL is hugely and serially racist but I joke at it or ignore it depending on the context and have done for the last 25 years.

So you have coped by joking about it or ignoring it for the last 25 years? Racism is racism, it's always awful and unacceptable, what was so different about this comment that you now need a coping mechanism?! Why haven't you been loudly pulling her up for 25 years? Maybe she'd have seen the error of her ways by now.

With MIL I don't say 'you're funny' I say that's ridiculous or equivalent and laugh.

This, from SIL was unexpected and therefore a shock.

So it transpires you laugh at somebody dishing out racist comments then?

Which is why it probably continues.

🙄

This is a depressing thread for a black woman to be reading. So many are happy to say: just ignore/use humour/stop being so sensitive.

OP, my (and my DHs) reaction to similar things has been;

• client I worked with said N**word brown to describe something. I told him that was an incredibly offensive thing to say. He was surprised. Will probably continue to say it but at least I know I said something.

• in a pub some middle aged couples were talking about a load of p*kis who had moved it next door. DH asked them to kindly refrain from using that language as it was so offensive to us both. The white couple we were with said nothing - suffice to say we are no longer friends with them.

We are both mixed Asian and black.

With MIL I don't say 'you're funny' I say that's ridiculous or equivalent and laugh.

Wow, you’re a real ally, OP. 🙄

OP you know damn well what your choices are.
Speak up or tolerate.
“Coping strategies” indeed 🙄