Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

WTF !
So you think violence will solve @JustHurt problems?

Can you imagine what would be said if this was advice to a man because his DW/P wasn't doing what he wanted.

All them saying LTB , realistic could you do that today ? Or even this week .
I don't know anyone that has enough savings to be able to walk out of the family home and into a rented place . Then have the hassle of setting up all the utilities, dealing with a potentially unscruplouse landlord, continue working and doing everything for the DCs.

While I would definitely advocate op getting out today if there was a threat of violence under this situation I would not .
There relationship needs working on definitely but to chuck it all in ? No not yet.

Start saving so that op can move out if / when she knows it's the end of the road?
Definitely!

@Intrigueddotcom brilliant that’s great it’s in no way a description of one of my friends divorces. 1 out of 60 of our divorcees.
and then every single day on mums now there is an AIBU with at least one of the factors that I’ve described occurring. Often at several once we start to dig in and unpack the real issues.
there are of course people that have those problems without even getting divorced who are in couples but the problem is it’s even harder to navigate when there’s only one of you.
The rental issue, the buying a house issue, The affording legal representation to ensure that you get what you’re legally entitled to when you’re a single parent just trying to book food on the table is almost impossible there’s no legal aid any more.

does anything in the OP‘s description give you the impression he’s going to be somebody who will be reasonable in a divorce situation ?

@Intrigueddotcom mine neither.

@Nothappyatwork it is a shame your divorce experience has been so negative. But for may of us it is freeing, liberating and a blessed relief. The older DCs who were brought up within the marriage have really suffered and even now struggle with MH issues. The younger DCs are on the whole so much happier, stable and secure being brought up in a single parent household without the angst their father and I being together sadly brought the older ones.

If @JustHurt and her H can work through things that is great. But it appears after being a parent for years her husband is set in his lazy ways and doesnt see a reason to change, despite surely seeing the sadness in his wife.

So you tell him you can’t cope. You can’t cope with the pressure of basically being a single parent whilst we swans in and out Disney Dadding it.

It absolutely enrages me that he is so bloody useless. I would divorce him asap and make him have the kids half the week.

But you can’t make him have the kids half the week it’s absolutely impossible to enforce, that do people not get that ?

This. You can and do cope with the children.

But having him sitting in the house doing nothing while you still do 100% of the child care, that's when you start to break. So tell him that unless he steps up he may as well not be there because actually he makes things harder to manage.

Good for you. Your husband is a lazy sod. You need to go out every Saturday morning for a coffee and croissant, otherwise you're going to go insane. If he refuses to accommodate, I'd actually leave him. Because what's the point of him?

Costa? The cinema? A park? You matter too OP, this situation sounds horrendous.

@Nothappyatwork

your experience of a hellish divorce followed by your children living with your ex and then having nothing to do with your young daughter throughout her childhood due to parent alienation (I was on the thread you started about the situation two days ago) - has understandably poisoned your view of divorce (even with a difficult man) and co parenting. Hence you presenting quite a doomsday view of divorce

Just ask him when you get in if he couldn’t cope given he’s whingeing about doing once what you do everyday. Can’t he cope? Useless shit that he is

Definitely use this as the turning point for a change for the better.

You can cope if you have to - you e been doing it for years. But now you are choosing not to have to do it all, as it’s not fair!

Definitely one weekend lie in each and he does his fair share in other stuff.

And reading posts on mumnet on a daily basis cements that view I’m afraid, combined with again other people‘s experience.
My children did not all live with the ex by the way just one of them, for critical years.

And I would suggest again when considering divorce how will you feel if you know for a fact that your child is not attending school and nothing is being done about it and the school will not speak to you because you are not the resident parent, Camhs will not speak to you because you are not the resident parents so literally you hear secondhand through all the people that your child has attempted suicide and nobody was going to tell you.

Things never start out that way, but again my experiences once other people get in his ear it doesn’t suit her for you two to co parent through the drama. That doesn’t fit the narrative.

Not everybody will experience all of the issues but it seems that most people experience at least some of them.

He’s played the “you can’t cope”

if I couldn't cope I wouldn't be here would I..? or is it more of a you don't want to cope so you're sling that at me?

I would consider putting the kids to bed on a friday. Have a bag packed and just walk out the door for a weekend. Give yourself a rest.

What you say to that is "why should I have to? Last I checked the children had 2 parents" then dont engage further cos he will twist it. He is equally their parent and should be doing an equal share of the parenting.

If he pulls the "you can't cope" card then tell him "no you're right I can't cope with a lazy prick of a husband who won't pull his weight with the children so what are you going to do about it?!"

Don't let him twist it so you're the bad guy OP. He needs to be called out for his behaviour.

Did he want kids? Is he massively resentful to how children have changed his life, and blames you and the kids for that?

The your kid , my car comments speak volumes.

You are me 12 years ago. 10 years divorced now, I’ve never missed him but life has been hard at times and I sometimes wonder if we could have found a way to ride things out.

My heart goes out to you I would look at marriage counselling - if principally to alert him to how serious this is, if he wants to keep you he needs to address why he is so hands off but if he’s a stubborn bastard feeling he’s perfectly in his right to be as he is it will be hard. Much love, take all the time in the world you need.

He tells you repeatedly you can’t cope and actively works to avoid parenting his own children?

What a cunt.

Haha, this. I’m there too.

Seriously though, you have our full support.

Good for you. You've reached breaking point!
Can I ask how it got to this point? Has he always behaved in this manner for the last four years, snd you've enabled it?
Or has it just crept in slowly to get to today's state?
Or did something happen to change his pattern if behaviour?

Your next move is to make him realise that HE is the problem.
Don't feel guilty
Don't apologise
Don't put up with any passive aggressive or angry responses

You both need to sit down and talk. If he refuses to do this then, I'm not sure what's next...

But it's a point well made today oP. Please take it easy snd enjoy your break

What if he doesn’t do the one night where he has them and so she has the 2 toddlers 24 seven with absolutely no reprieve whatsoever

only now she has to work full time

Personally having 2 toddlers for 24/7 with no reprieve I loved. But if you then have to work then you aren’t with toddlers 24/7
and they don’t remain toddlers for ever

potentially she’s in rented accommodation which she could get booted out of every 12 months so she needs to save £1000 for removal costs and £1000 to have the months rent in advance and a deposit and another £1000 before she gets the first one back. She has to earn enough to be able to secure accommodation in the first place which then would push her over the threshold to receive any government support

More than likely she won’t be in rented and even in rented there is a chance you have to move on after 12 months after every rental but every chance you won’t.
Removal costs are what you want them to be. If I had a place to move into after we sold our house then my moving costs would have been the cost of a tank of fuel as I moved us in my van, but the cost of hiring a van and doing it yourself is a few hundred at most

If everyone in private rented needs to earn a certain salary then why are there so many in private rented who work but on a salary where you can still claim benefits.

The CSM are fucking useless unless he’s PAYE even then they’ll charge her to collect the money if he doesn’t want to pay and if he doesn’t pay every two months he basically gets one month free because they won’t do anything until he’s three months in arrears plenty of them play that game

That I can agree with and PAYE has its loopholes as well.
Nearly all the single mothers I know don’t receive anything from the fathers.

then is the additional stress of when they decide to take you to court for 50-50 custody with absolutely no intention of doing 50-50 custody it’s just a way of getting out of paying child-support so they’ll get that awarded to them and then they just simply won’t turn up. Having put you through the horror of having your parenting assessment. When of course he will highlight the fact that you can’t cope and fucked off for the morning

Friend had this. She told the Judge that she had never objected to him doing 50/50 parenting. She welcomed him stepping up as a parent as it would save her money on childcare and he wasn’t paying CS anyway

Judge gave him 50/50 but wanted it monitored to see if he did turn up.

It was revoked as she went through the courts again months later as he had never once turned up.
Friend had her reasons to get it revoked.
and ExH had his reasons to go to court for joint custody even if he never took it up

I’m not saying being married to an arsehole isn’t difficult it’s hard, being a co parent is an absolute gauntlet to run

I would hundred percent agree that being a single parent would be a bleed in holiday comparatively - if they simply fucked off and then pay child-support - but that’s just not how things typically pan out there’s 2 am I being unreasonable threads running right now where the ex is being a bigger pricks than this guy and there’s absolutely nothing the mother can do about it

From what I have seen no one counts on CS as they never receive it and it takes too much time and effort trying to get the CSA to do anything in a quick manner. So you just work and budget around what you know you have.

The problem being married to someone who is an arsehole is being around them, having to think about them, having to accommodate them if you want to do something. Eventually lose every ounce of respect for them and end up hating them.
That is a part of your life you cannot get back and life is too precious for that.
You are also exposing your children to this behaviour for them to pick up and mimic

Just having to be in the same house as them makes your skin crawl.

Turn your phone off and go and stay in a hotel.

when he says ‘you can’t cope’ just say ‘I’ve been a single parent for years so we are getting a divorce - one week on and one week off so you can experience being a single parent equally but right now after days of being bitten and tears of doing all the grunt work it’s about time I had a rest and you step up / I am safe and well
And sleeping and I will be back when rested etc but you need to start being a good father and husband as I’m sick and tired of you’

book in a hotel and have a few days off but some clothes and books etc

Oh op, I feel for you. He sounds quite a lot like my DH. Although mine never even did the bedtime stories! Best way I found to get through it is to not wait until you’re at the end of your tether but to plan regular trips out by yourself with your friends, family etc, put it in the diary, give him plenty of notice and waltz out of the house with a cheery goodbye! When he asks what to give the kids for lunch/supper etc just respond with ‘there’s lots of stuff in the fridge’ or ‘ooh, I don’t know, whatever you fancy!’ No anger, no recriminations, just a normal expectation that he does his bit.