Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

I'm incensed on your behalf. Glad you've left him to it. I'd LTB if he doesn't change drastically. The my car comment would be enough for me🤬

Many posters have pointed out that your divorce is not like the majority and you are projecting your awful experience onto others.
I'm sorry you don't have an amicable relationship with your ex.
But honestly, you need to stop overrunning this thread with your personal tales of woe.
You're not being helpful to the OP.

If my experience wasn’t the majority, then there would be no rich family lawyers.

He sounds sociopathic, a really careless, selfish prick. Who can watch their partner like that and standby and do nothing but criticise and make pathetic comments?

But you can cope; you shouldn’t just have to alone! He’s their dad so he steps up and plays as part of your team! Good for you taking yourself off and if he doesn’t realise that you mean it, make some more arrangements for time out for you so that he gets used to the new state of play.

If he still doesn’t get it, then evaluate whether you’d be worse off if he wasn’t around.

@Nothappyatwork exdh and I are friends and my now adult dss are very well adjusted. Stop projecting and be helpful. No dcs are happy in a toxic environment.

I hope you have managed to get a break and follow others advices. He will by the sounds of it use this against you. This could be seen as a form of domestic abuse verbally counts.

Sometimes it’s easier to parent alone as it adds more stress having that other person in the house doing nothing.

As other posters have said I don't think he is going to change

Oh the poor OP will be home now and doing everything again. And the cunt of a husband will be using her insolence as a reason to punish her with silence and checking out of parenting yet further.

The only reason you can’t cope is because he hears and sees you struggling with the children and decides not to do a damn thing to help. He’s lazy. Must be great to be him and pick and choose which bits of parenting to do, essentially avoiding the entire shitty bath / bed / breakfast / dressing parts. He’s vicariously parenting through you. Listening to the bedtime story at the door, indeed. Don’t hurry back, OP. Might be a plan to do this every weekend!

Sadly I think you're right☹️

Divorce with children is very often fraught.
It’s easy to say LTB , but children undoubtedly suffer, and the only real winners are the lawyers.

It IS possible eventually to have a civil relationship with an Ex, but it often takes years for resentments and hurts to fade.
Being a Single parent is not easy- Mainly financially.

This.

Make clear it's a crisis point in your marriage; don't let him dismiss this as you being histrionic.

That made me choke with laughter! Family lawyers make less than minimum wage if you go off hours worked.

So the option is to stay in an unhappy marriage?

Only winners are the divorce lawyers? What about the person who escapes the unhappiness, that is their relationship?

ChocolateHippo we used to do something similar regarding weekends. Worked well.

OP when you're feeling much more relaxed and better, I'd swan back in and announce to your DH that you will be having 'me time' every weekend from now on.
I'd also announce that he can choose either putting the DC to bed or clearing up dinner (done at the same time[. If that fails then get an evening hobby one day a week and don't come back until after they're in bed.

If not, you could stop washing his clothes and cooking dinner for him and if you can really stand it let the house get into a total mess.
Basically make it VERY clear the current arrangements don't work.

I agree with this and I think it often is possible to change behaviour to a certain extent, so I would usually suggest trying this first before leaving. That's not to say LTB isn't the correct solution in many cases.

I think some success can be achieved by simply making your OH's life so unpleasant until they step up and take responsibility that eventually this becomes the easier option. It sounds awful and I'm sure many people are thinking "Why should I need to? They should want to do their share?" but male entitlement is very strong and engrained in many men from childhood. Similarly, many women are conditioned just to do it all and be 'default' simply to avoid an argument.

Don't bother with the argument, just stop doing it. Let them realise that they have no 'entitlement' to your services, childcare or domestic, unless they also pull their weight. Stop cooking for them, stop doing laundry, stop organising, start reclaiming your evenings. "It's your turn to do bath and bed tonight, I'm off for a run". "I'm going into work early tomorrow, you'll have to sort the kids." Then walk out, no discussion. If you're not there, they'll have to do it.

This assumes of course that the other parent is capable of parenting responsibly and is simply choosing not to do their bit through laziness because they have someone else there who will always step up. If they are truly neglectful parent, clearly there's only one way forward.

If he says you can't cope, tell him you've proven that you can cope very well - you have to, as he does fuck all. He is the one who patently can't cope, as he dumps it all on you. He is pathetic.
He sounds like a patronising chauvinist.

Is there any update please OP.

He stands in the door & listens to his kids being read a story.

I think that that is one of the saddest things I have ever read.

What does he do on days out that is so wonderful?

If the kids are happy it's easy enough to engage & be a good parent.

Especially if someone else has organised it, is there to pick up any slack if necessary & you know that you only need to keep up the facade for a few hours.

Why doesn't he get up in the morning?

Oh I’ve got a really bad feeling about the radio silence from OP

Sometimes when my high-needs dd was younger, it was easier when DH was out of town because there was no resentment. He was much better than your husband, leaps and bounds better, the problem was mostly that she clung to me.

stay out all day. If you get bored, go see a movie. I would send him a quick text just letting him know you will be back after bedtime and he should enjoy his day with the kids.

What you don’t consider is the impact on the children on living every single day in this kind of poisonous environment.

no respite, no way to escape.

so if the husband does prove himself to be a failure as a father as you view your ex as being, the children would at least get some respite when at least 50% of their time with their mother (statistically more) AND when they can articulate themselves, they can simple say at 12/13 “no I am not going to dad’s” and no court in England would force a child of this age.

Sorry that was to @Nothappyatwork

It's not you who can't cope, it's him. He's the one who can't look after 2, can't do bed time, can't cook dinner etc etc etc