Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

If he has twisted things to your little ones I would put on a big smiley face and say “silly daddy never does know what’s going on as he doesn’t spend that much time with you” or words to that effect.

I think if he stands in the doorway whilst you read a book to them I would make a point of them waving daddy goodbye after the story has ended and Dh is halfway down the stairs.
”Bye bye daddy, see you after breakfast”

You have done NOTHING WRONG.

Well done for taking the break time that he refused to give to you. Stay out. Go for a drive or take yourself out shopping or anything that is something for YOU.

And decide what changes you are going to make in your household.

Your DH sounds like a lazy fuck who thinks he's living in the 1950s and "womens work" and all that.

If he's going to do fuck all for the kids then he can wash his own clothes, cook his own food, and every other thing that you do for him. Cheeky bastard.

Say 'actually, it's time YOU learned to cope with both of them. EVERYTHING changes from this moment - you will do your share of parenting or we will split up and you can do 50/50 with me'

You have to MEAN it

You’ve done nothing wrong, your husbands laziness has driven you to a breaking point. But you know the hardest part is yet to come. I am hoping this is an epiphany moment for him to wake up and start stepping up to co-parent. He seems to be a spectator of you parenting rather than doing it himself. When you go back, stand your ground and impress on him that things cannot continue as they are. He needs to be doing more with the day to day care of the children.

I think @Nothappyatwork has some valid points and she shouldn't be told to leave the thread because she isn't telling the OP to immediately ltb!
As much as it's true that many women are much happier after divorce, there are also many women whose manipulative ex husband's continue to screw up their lives. And she's right about how many men are led by their dicks and will do whatever their current sexual partner wants - there are a hell of a lot of men out there not seeing/paying for their kids once a new woman comes along!

I think the best thing the OP could do would be to leave him but with a properly planned exit strategy. As suggested, get some legal advice. I'd also start quietly separating finances and having money in my own account that he couldn't access, move savings etc, get myself in a financial position that was as strong as I could make it.
And in the meantime, there's some value in trying to 'train' him, if that's possible and she doesn't go home to a husband who is straight onto the verbal attack. His attitude when she goes home is what will ultimately determine outcome.

Any chance you could stay away longer than today and tonight?

Also - I would divorce him.
He doesn't love you or have any respect for you.
You deserve better than this twat.

Do as others have said, take a day for you cinema, walk in the park, massage, get your nails done. Book into a hotel and have an afternoon nap, stay overnight have a leisurely breakfast. Go home tomorrow after the kids breakfast with a list of what needs to change.

What if he doesn’t do the one night where he has them and so she has the 2 toddlers 24 seven with absolutely no reprieve whatsoever ?
only now she has to work full time, potentially she’s in rented accommodation which she could get booted out of every 12 months so she needs to save £1000 for removal costs and £1000 to have the months rent in advance and a deposit and another £1000 before she gets the first one back. She has to earn enough to be able to secure accommodation in the first place which then would push her over the threshold to receive any government support. The CSM are fucking useless unless he’s PAYE even then they’ll charge her to collect the money if he doesn’t want to pay and if he doesn’t pay every two months he basically gets one month free because they won’t do anything until he’s three months in arrears plenty of them play that game.

then is the additional stress of when they decide to take you to court for 50-50 custody with absolutely no intention of doing 50-50 custody it’s just a way of getting out of paying child-support so they’ll get that awarded to them and then they just simply won’t turn up. Having put you through the horror of having your parenting assessment. When of course he will highlight the fact that you can’t cope and fucked off for the morning.

I’m not saying being married to an arsehole isn’t difficult it’s hard, being a co parent is an absolute gauntlet to run.
I would hundred percent agree that being a single parent would be a bleed in holiday comparatively - if they simply fucked off and then pay child-support - but that’s just not how things typically pan out there’s 2 am I being unreasonable threads running right now where the ex is being a bigger pricks than this guy and there’s absolutely nothing the mother can do about it.

it is a case of both options are hard, choose your hard with your eyes open.

There's a child here who needs a good smack but it's not the 2 year old...

Go and book into a hotel and go back late Sunday night. Tell him no you can't fucking cope and you shouldn't have to, you chose to have children in a relationship and you were of the opinion that that meant he helped with them and didn't leave you to do all the grunt work.

Divorce is shit but losing yourself whilst being at everyone's beck and call whilst boiling over with resentment is pretty fucking awful too.

Physical violence is never the answer.

How’s things going OP?
are you still in the layby?
tell me you haven’t gone home yet

I’ll bet he’s already passed the parenting buck to his mummy and is already playing the victim and backstabbing OP.

If he tells you that you can't cope, then tell him yes, you can't cope with him being such a lazy bastard and leaving you to do all the drudgery with the kids.

The one and only reason he's saying you can't cope is to guilt-trip you into thinking you should be able to cope with doing all of the childcare yourself, and that the fault lies with you and not him.

Enjoy your morning.

My concern is for what he’s telling them now and how he’s going to twist it when I get home. He’s played the “you can’t cope” card before so I’m fully expecting that.

He sounds nasty as well as lazy @JustHurt

I know a lot of single parent mums.

They all say it is hard work. But not as hard as being the single parent in a bad relationship.
No amount of money makes up for the life you are losing.

The single parents I know are the happiest people I know because being the sole adult to make decisions in the household means the decisions they make are their decisions.

Of course you can't cope ... you're doing everything while he does fuck all except to play Disney Dad for moments.

Suspect you'll be a lot less stressed in life long term if you tell him to get to fuck.

Seriously who the hell sits and listens to kids being frustrating and doesn't try and help. I would seriously consider binning him.

Raising kids is so stressful. Doing it on your own is one thing, doing it on your own when there is supposed to be someone helping is something else.

I think the people that you are friends with who are the sole parents making the sole decisions probably are happy, but thats just not how divorce’s work. The other party is still making decisions in your life and you have absolutely zero control over it. Only know they don’t give a fuck about you.

I genuinely don’t see why you’re in this relationship.

I can’t think of much worse than someone watching me struggle and doing nothing! And what’s worse then commenting on it afterwards!

I was actually going to see it from his point of view at first - I thought if you were a SAHP and he worked FT then it makes sense that you get them ready in the morning etc and it’s a simple communication issue but it sounds like he knows you’re struggling yet still does nothing.

What really stands out for me is he’s not trying to get out of being around his kids (like many partners are on here) it seems he enjoys being around his DCs.

But he’s enjoying watching you struggle and get stressed out - knowing he’ll come in calm and fun whist you’re almost at breaking point - what sort of person does that.

All the best op,

@ThinWomansBrain

You fruitcake! Can you honestly not see the contradiction in your post! 😂

all those advising coffee/breakfast🙄
check into a hotel, or are there family/friends that you can visit? Let him get into practice by looking after them for the weekend.
book a massage if you can find someone with free slots.

your Description of divorce and co parenting beats no resemblance to my own in any shape or form

What people are saying is to do it on her terms, as a cold decision - not in the heat of the moment - and that is correct.

I had suspicions earlier, but we were in the middle of buying a house, so I figured why would he do that if he wasn't invested in the relationship. Anyhow, it turns out he was just a lazy idiot who re-wrote history in his head so I would be OK with it. Result being I walked away with a house as well as maintenance (not married, not in the UK, other assets split differently). If I had my time again, I would have taken half the money in his account (that he had me manage for him), but I thought he'd manage to be reasonable and adult about the split rather than immediately running away to another country with a new girlfriend.

TBH OP, keeping it cold is for the best - all the women I know who have blazing rows with their exes, have a much worse time than me who just ignores his existence apart from calendar invites and the occasional email regarding pickups. Not that I'm perfect, there was some tears and yelling that first week - but it didn't get me anywhere, I can see that now.

I doubt he'll bother with them beyond the occasional day trip (that you'll have to pack for), and yes, it's scary, but not as bad as all that, but I can also see the argument for giving it a couple of years if you can, so that you can get yourself on a safer financial footing childcare/job-wise.