Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

My divorce from my lazy prick of a husband was the best thing ever. Me and DS were much happier.

I know this is a small thing but this really got me. I read,

'when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time”...'

& I thought he reads them a story every night. But then it went on:

'... he stands in the door way listens to story'

Wow. He sounds useless; worse than that, he knows what good parenting is but only does it in front of other people.

I'd be a bit worried about the older child being able to open the door - you mean they could get out of the house? But DH is an adult & you told him you were going out - told him twice & messaged him.

But in the scenario you outline @Notanotherwindow the partner seems to be an utterly negligent brute.

whereas many exes have their faults, but do love their children and do want them to go to flipping school!

you are asking the op to consider the absolute worse case scenario as a likely possibility

Apparently my ExH still bangs on about my 'not being able to cope' over 20 fucking years after we split up. (DC young, like OP's.) My DC haven't had anything to do with him for years and feel better for it.

The point being, it's like his ridiculous obsession that he bores everyone to tears with. (Probably explains why he switches partners every few years. Even that's done lazily, via exit affairs.)

Who on earth voted YABU FFS! I really dont understand his attitude .How can he just stand by like this! You are exhausted and stressed out .Can you go to your Mums at all or get a hotel? When you go home you need to tell him plainly he needs to step up or ship out .Standing in the doorway while you read a story! Honestly what the fuck is he like!

I think you mean to Direct that comment to me. My ex wanted her to go to school, he wasn’t opposed to the idea he just wasn’t prepared to do any of the parenting required to get her there.

he went from being somebody who dressed his children in private school uniform made sure they had their hat, their bags, got them there on time most of the time to someone once off my radar and no longer kicked up the arse by me, when she announced she didn’t want to go and forcing her to go would make him late for work and him being late for work might mean he was sacked and him being sacked meant that he didn’t get to get his leg over with the current wife the child was thrown under a bus she got to just stay at home. And of course muggins here was paying the fees so what the hell did he care.

of course that’s worst case scenario and yes I am asking the OP to consider all of it in your decision-making process.

The other poster outlined about her friends experience of the ex going to court and 50-50 being awarded then withdrawn, yes absolutely that can be the outcome but what you’re not taking into account here is the stress levels of being put through a residency custody whatever you want to call it case. Of having your cupboards examined by social services to prove that you have food, to show that your children have somewhere to sleep do you have any idea how upsetting that is ?
nobody at the beginning of a divorce process expects any of that to happen and I do appreciate I think I’ve been spectacularly unlucky that all of it seems to have happened to me, however my ex was very similar to the one being described here so I do think when we’re making these decisions plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Sit down and consider is it actually that bad for now.

OP I’m sorry if I’ve scared the shit out of you and if he was hitting you or hurting you or swearing at you anything like that I would say pick your bags up and go.

You absolute QUEEN.

Agree with pp.

Consider your options carefully, you and your children deserve much better.

I'll be honest, your marriage sounds untenable into the longer term unless he radically changes. Perhaps you should suggest couples counselling.

but what you’re not taking into account here is the stress levels of being put through a residency custody whatever you want to call it case. Of having your cupboards examined by social services to prove that you have food, to show that your children have somewhere to sleep do you have any idea how upsetting that is

Friend told us about SS coming around to check these things.
She actually said that she sat down with them and made them a coffee and they had a chat. She had a clean and tidy house, food in the cupboards, and nice bedrooms so she wasn’t worried as she explained to the SWs that she hoped they were going to go round to exh’s and see what he could offer whilst living on someone else’s couch.
He got given a 3 bed council flat to house his children when the judge said he could have joint custody although I don’t think the children ever saw the inside of it. (He got the flat because of where he worked. Before anyone jumps up and says there is a huge waiting list for council properties)

Gosh you poor thing!

be kind to yourself, have some time out, don’t worry about what he thinks. Sounds like he needed this wake up call. Sometimes taking action is the only way to get your point across.

Oh well I’m glad she took a social services inspection like a trooper. I found it utterly humiliating, stressful and of course they really can’t put a one-sided gosh wasn’t the house lovely and wasn’t there lots of food in the fridge down on their report they have to find something to criticise to make it look balanced so they do.

mine was my daughters exercise timetable that she (daughter) printed out and put on the wall some enormous fat social worker made deliberate comment in the report that she felt SS needed keeping on my superfit daughters exercise schedule 🤣

I had that BS spouted at me by my ex. Yes, I could and did cope with 4 kids all by myself but my point was, why should I? He not only didn't help but hindered. For example I'd have them in bed ready for sleep and he would come home and give them chocolate etc, exciting them. I had to cook his dinner after I'd solo parented all day so I didn't actually get to sit down and relax until gone 10pm.

Splitting up with the lazy sod was the best thing i did. I pay my own bills, work, run a home and split parent and it is 100% easier than when I was a sahm.

I doubt he will change but give him an ultimatum. Either he pulls his weight at home or you split up.

And please don’t worry about him playing the ‘you can’t cope’ card. Professionals are wise to men doing that.

My DH tried it once because a community midwife told him off for not letting me sleep by helping with night feeds. He told her he was very concerned about my mental health (to be fair I was very anxious, recovering from a traumatic c-section and nearly hallucinating with sleep deprivation). The midwife asked me (in private) if he’s always so controlling! She also referred me to the perinatal MH team who were very supportive, diagnosed PND and gave me lots of help. The help included telling DH he had to pull his weight and explaining to him exactly what he needed to do to help me. There was never any question of me being unable or unfit to care for our DC, he simply made himself look bad.

My concern is for what he’s telling them now and how he’s going to twist it when I get home. He’s played the “you can’t cope” card before so I’m fully expecting that.
A decent human being who thought his wife wasn't coping would be desperately worried about both his wife and his kids and would be doing all they could to pull their weight as part of the team. They would already be doing 50:50 of bed times, breakfasts etc and if they felt their partner was struggling with that then they'd take over more. They wouldn't sit back and do fuck all and have the audacity to use 'you can't do this' as a threat.
He sounds fucking awful and I think it's time to really consider what the future looks like. Because I think your life would be easier, happier, more peaceful without him.

Kennykenkencat ...... A few of my friends are single parents and they all struggle, one way or another. One is my best friend and I asked her honest opinion.

She said the novelty soon wore off and looking after the kids 24/7, while trying to hold down a full-time job, was stressful, exhausting, and unfulfilling. She couldn't afford the time to be ill herself and money was so tight it kept her awake at night. Both her kids have left for University and she only hears from them when they want something.

She's fully aware that the house she's lived in for 20 years will be sold in the next 18 months. She has no idea what she'll do then. Slightly shocked by her honesty I asked if she would have done anything differently. Her answer was, " everything ".

Oh and we had a SS visit too thanks to DH thinking I couldn’t cope, and possibly his attitude.

They were so discrete I didn’t realise they were SS until later; I just thought they were from a community team to help me (we had lots of teams involved at the time as baby had some health issues and I had an infected incision from the c-section plus PND). SS were kind and supportive, they did have a look around the house but then so do health visitors so they can advise on safe sleeping, check you have a room thermometer and age appropriate toys etc. I asked them lots of questions and shared all my parenting concerns with them and didn’t feel judged at all. They didn’t check the fridge (unless they did so subtly when I opened it to get milk for their coffee!) They we’re kind and answered all my questions, and offered advice and reassurance.

The house wasn’t tidy either, but they didn’t comment on that. As long as it’s reasonably clean and free from hazards I don’t think they’re there to assess tidiness.

Really feel for you OP. Read this to my DH and he said ‘LTB’
Hope your DH realises how much he’s taken you for granted

@Pyewhacket The honest truth is if I could go back in time and suck his d1ck every day for the rest of my life to have prevented my children going through what they went through with the divorce, I would.

For you op

No advice as I have been in a similar position without realising it. I stayed for the kids sakes. In hindsight I really wish I hadn't. He stole my mental heath, my physical health and I have no money. Please start planning to leave, even if it takes you five years.

And there we have it it seems as women, we’re fucked if we do when we’re fucked if we don’t.

If he tries to pull the “you can’t cope” card, you simply reply - “says the man who has never got the children up or done bathtime and put them to bed on his own, and who almost never looks after them both!”

A decent father shares the work of raising his children - we had three, and my dh would get up in the night with them, and could - and did - care for them all day on his own. He changed nappies, did bath time and bedtime, read books, played games, took them for days out, cooked meals, cleaned up messes - all on top of a full time job. He fully shared the work of raising our family - and now they are adults, he and they have a great relationship, because he put in the time and effort.

Our DIL (ds’s wife) is expecting their first baby soon, and I know for sure that he will follow his father’s example of parenting.

The thing with being “Nice” about biting is that it just continues.
A definite NO! and true displeasure might nip it in the bud.
I’m sure parents in the past will have actually smacked for biting.
It’s so painful.

I don't know if you work (if you don't, get a job)
I don't know your living circumstances - do you own or rent?
Find out what benefits you would be entitled to and divorce the bastard.

Start getting your ducks in a row

He won't change.

Oh, like it'll make him step up/

Men like that, don't

Have you heard from him ? @JustHurt