SIL - nephews birthday party

[lollipoplips]

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

[LightDrizzle]

i wouldn’t go. That’s awful.

[RandomMess]

That's really mean of SIL and out of order.

[Caterinaballerina]

The rule that they only need to invite people they want/like can be employed for class mates when at school if you can’t have a whole class party, it is NOT the way to treat family. How awful, is she your DB’s wife or DH’s sister? Either way I’d be getting your DH or DB to have a word and fix this and ensure it never happens again.

[DisforDarkChocolate]

I'm generally happy with children being allowed to invite who they want to parties with a few caveats.

However, this is not nice. If family can't aim to be inclusive its bloody depressing. I'd plan something else to do with both boys.

[strawberry2017]

I wouldn't go. That's a really shitty thing to do.

[Lindy2]

I think that's pretty awful behaviour of your SIL.

Yes a soon to be 4 year old can name some friends they might like there but the parents need to be involved in making sure that everyone who should be included is invited.

I would be inclined to decline the invitation and state that it is because your older son was excluded.

As a parent of a child with ASD and ADHD unfortunately people do behave like this. They're usually the ones who claim to be so kind and understanding.

[Bigthicksliceoftoast]

That’s awful. I wouldn’t go, and I would be very offended.

Once you get to school age parties I wouldn’t expect a sibling invite, but for family it should definitely always be both siblings (if similar age).

[sunshinealwayscomesback]

That is appalling. I would turn down the invitation, say you are incredibly hurt and offended and point out if family is this unsupportive and uninclusive it makes you upset for the future. How totally horrible. Hard to believe an adult could behave like this.

[Mummumtum]

100% don’t go, she’s a dick

[limitededitionbarbie]

Vile no I wouldnt go either

[Meraas]

YANBU. You need to back your DS1 and not go.

Speak to your sibling!

[BlancmanegeBunny]

YANBU . ...that is a really shitty thing to do!!!

Some people really are arseholes and you soon find out who they are when you have a child with additional needs.

[TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo]

That's horrible. I would be turning down the invitation and telling her exactly why.

[WooNoodle]

Wow that's hella nasty. Don't hang round with her.

[bloodywhitecat]

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all

Your thinking is spot on, don't go. What nasty behaviour from her.

[Leeds2]

That is a really horrible thing for SIL to do.

I wouldn't be attending, and neither would either of my DC.

[EsmeeMerlin]

There is no way I would go. In my family all the children are automatically invited to cousins birthdays. My nephew is having a birthday party in a couple of weeks and my son also struggles socially. I told my sister he may struggle with the party. She told me I can have her keys if he needs to be taken to her house and arrive at the party venue before it starts so Ds can use the bouncy castle before the other children arrive. They would never in a million years not invite him. You don't invite one without the other, it's so rude and horrible for your son

[Wouldyabeguilty]

That us just plain nasty.

[BattenburgDonkey]

Don’t go, I’d explain sort of what you said here, that DS1 loves watching his cousins play even if he doesn’t interact and he’d be upset knowing his younger sibling went but not him. Don’t be afraid to advocate for your son, especially with his own family. Sorry you have to deal with this OP, hopefully your son goes in to meet nicer people in the future.

[Ithinkwemightgetaholiday]

You're not being over sensitive. Nobody who isn't an arsehole would dream of treating cousins like that. You can't go, that would be a horrible message to your DS.

[Needanotherholidayasap]

My sil once didn't invite dc1. Dd wasn't dh's dc... I refused all invites after that. Our dc never had any sort of relationship.. Wasn't the end of the world...
Keep both your dc away op.
What a nasty woman she sounds.

[FilthyforFirth]

No way would anyone from my family attending that party. And I'd be telling her why. Awful woman.

[itsgettingweird]

No that's awful.

We have a large family and it's everyone invited or just those of same age like yours.

That everyone includes the 2 diagnosed with asd and the 1 suspected and the other who is fostered and also has a disability. (My ds is one of the autistic ones).

It's a family party. Family come. End of.

[DinoWoman]

What a first class bitch. There is not a chance in hell I would go.

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

That’s horrible, and it’s a horrible way for her to bring up her children. It won’t do them any favours.

I wouldn’t go and would limit contact with her as far as possible in future.