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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL - nephews birthday party

256 replies

lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 21:42

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 03/06/2022 22:01

That is really so cruel of your SIL! I would go no contact with the nasty bitch.

Original poster
lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 22:02

It's my brother and his wife. There's no point speaking to him as he will always back what she says whether it's right or not. Plus, I feel like the damage has been done, I wouldn't even want them to invite him now.

I could half understand if he caused a scene or had huge meltdowns that could cause a downer but he doesn't. If he's struggling he'll just come for a squeeze and quietly ask to go home.

It's so cruel, not sure I can move past this with them.

OP posts:
jackstini · 03/06/2022 22:03

That's plain mean and unkind

Choosing when it's between 30 classmates and you can only have 10, fair enough

Choosing 1 out of 2 cousins - just no

Has your nephew even actually done this or is it just SIL

I wouldn't go. What does your DH think?

allboysherebutme · 03/06/2022 22:04

Neither me or any of my children would be going, I'd be fuming. X

Lunificent · 03/06/2022 22:05

I wouldn’t go. Very thoughtless/downright rude.

hangrylady · 03/06/2022 22:05

She's an absolute arsehole OP. Do not go and make sure she knows why. I cannot fathom how she thinks this is OK. I'm angry for you!

rosiebl · 03/06/2022 22:08

I definitely wouldn't attend. I would reply to her message in no uncertain terms that you are a family and there isn't any chance of cherry picking favourites. Tell her that you won't be there and tell her that you hope that nobody ever does anything so downright nasty to one of her children.

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:08

Disgusting no other word for it really

Randomness12 · 03/06/2022 22:12

This is hideously cruel. I’d plan something lovely to do with both of your boys instead.

Id also be VERY clear with your brother, SIL and anyone else who cared to venture an opinion on this why your youngest isn’t attending. Don’t cave to family pressure when (if) your parents get involved in the inevitable fall out. Advocating for your son is paramount here. Totally disgraceful behaviour from family.

WimpoleHat · 03/06/2022 22:12

I’m not a fan of letting kids “just invite who
they like” because they can’t always understand the consequences/impact on others of that. You may really like 19 of 20 kids in your class - but to exclude only one is desperately unkind. You may prefer Auntie Jane to Auntie Sarah, but it’s awful to leave Sarah alone at Christmas….and you’d be pretty upset if she only bought her other niece a present because she preferred her. And so on and so forth. You learn how things go as you grow up. Sometimes you do need to take a stand and accept the consequences of that - but it needs to be an active decision and not something you fall into without thinking about it.

And I don’t think your SIL has thought about this - and how hurtful she’s been to you and DS1. Not that that makes it better - she’s an adult and a parent (and family); she should have done. I would be upset and I wouldn’t go with either child. YANBU.

Arenanewbie · 03/06/2022 22:12

I agree with PPs: do not go but make sure the whole family knows why. Don’t give them chance to pretend that it’s you not bothering or whatever.

Secondsop · 03/06/2022 22:13

Oh no, this isn’t right at all. Your SIL has gone badly wrong with this. Letting the child choose who to invite is for when they’re older and need to choose a few friends from a larger group eg a school class. It’s not for deciding which siblings from close family are invited! The parents absolutely should be saying that the cousins are both invited and that this isn’t a choice. I could just about understand if it was your older child invited to a party involving an activity that the 18-month-old is too young for but even in that event I’d expect both to be invited and for the little one to be looked after by you instead of doing the activity. I could also understand a situation if the child is one with additional needs that mean he won’t be able to cope with the party and where his behaviour would be difficult for the party kids but that’s not the case here - this seems to be the party child’s probably not-very-thought-through idea of a preference which his parents have gone along with rather than nipping in the bud.

What does she expect you do to with your older child during the party? For kids this young it’s not going to be a drop-off so, what’s her plan, someone has to stay at home with him and only one parent comes to the party? In your situation I wouldn’t be going, and I would also be explaining why to the parent concerned. It is their choice about who to invite but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t hear about the impact it has on others.

Hollywolly1 · 03/06/2022 22:13

Randomness12 · 03/06/2022 22:12

This is hideously cruel. I’d plan something lovely to do with both of your boys instead.

Id also be VERY clear with your brother, SIL and anyone else who cared to venture an opinion on this why your youngest isn’t attending. Don’t cave to family pressure when (if) your parents get involved in the inevitable fall out. Advocating for your son is paramount here. Totally disgraceful behaviour from family.

^^This all the way^^^

Doyoumind · 03/06/2022 22:15

What does your DM think? I agree the damage is done. If your DB's attitude is that what she says goes then I'm not sure what the point of maintaining a relationship with either of them is.

Namechanger355 · 03/06/2022 22:15

rosiebl · 03/06/2022 22:08

I definitely wouldn't attend. I would reply to her message in no uncertain terms that you are a family and there isn't any chance of cherry picking favourites. Tell her that you won't be there and tell her that you hope that nobody ever does anything so downright nasty to one of her children.

This! But also don’t hide it from the rest of the family who should know how much of a witch she is

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 03/06/2022 22:20

I would not entertain this behaviour, decline and don’t attend anything that both aren’t invited. This isn’t normal family dynamics and you would be a fool to agree to be treated this way.

IvorCutler · 03/06/2022 22:27

That’s absolutely horrible. Don’t go. Take both your boys to do something lovely instead. My ds is autistic and it’s awful when he’s left out. Thankfully most people aren’t dicks.

mommybear1 · 03/06/2022 22:31

I would not go - awful way to behave by SIL. I'm so sorry OP.

Original poster
lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 22:34

My mum wasn't happy but their relationship is strained anyway due to SILs behaviour so I wouldn't want her to get involved in it.

We aren't going, and I'll text tomorrow and tell her exactly why.

OP posts:
Bubblesandsqueak1 · 03/06/2022 22:35

Well I'd her child has decided who to invite it sounds like her child thinks yours does not like him or the other was around you cant force friendships or even relationships you da will find his own group in time and tbh my own cousin did this with me invited older sister and younger but not me as I didn't play with her I was not bothered either way and my siblings went and I stayed with my dad and had a better time

PamelaD00ve · 03/06/2022 22:37

She is horribly cruel. My youngest sounds like your eldest.

It's times like this i wish real life was a Hollywood movie, because she'd either get her comeuppance or she'd have an epiphany and see how terrible she's being. Unfortunately, this being real life, she will continue being a nasty bitch totally obliviously and without retribution.

Cut contact and surround yourself and your kids with only nice, normal people.

Cheerybigbottom · 03/06/2022 22:39

I'm so glad you have decided not to go, I can't believe you SIL and brother would do this to any child let alone their own little nephew.

PearPickingPorky · 03/06/2022 22:39

"In that case, DS2 won't be coming either. Hope DN2 has a great time."

What a cowbag.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 03/06/2022 22:40

Hell would freeze over before I'd attend that party and I'd make sure everyone knew why too. Bloody awful, cruel behaviour. Autistic kids face a lifetime of social exclusion, they shouldn't have to deal with it from their families too.

TheMooch · 03/06/2022 22:40

It is shitty.

It's hurtful. My experience is autistic children and birthday party invites are lacking, to come from your own family is just hurtful.
Don't go, do something both your children would enjoy. It sounds like your child could cope with the party with your support and enjoy it, it makes me sad for you.