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Original poster

SIL - nephews birthday party

256 replies

lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 21:42

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

OP posts:
FloweryCurtainTwitcher · 03/06/2022 23:43

Dont accept or decline
Dont send a gift

Ask your mother that the hell she thinks she is doing and if she attends then think carefully about any further relationship with her

keeptalkinghappytalk · 03/06/2022 23:43

You’ve every right to feel hurt and angry… follow your heart and stick up for your older son. What a mean minded person she is

JemimaPudding · 03/06/2022 23:43

I actually can't believe this!! What a cold hearted bitch. I'm glad you're not going, and glad you're going to stick up for your son. Your brother and SIL need to be told they have acted horrendously here.

AskingforaBaskin · 03/06/2022 23:44

FloweryCurtainTwitcher · 03/06/2022 23:43

Dont accept or decline
Dont send a gift

Ask your mother that the hell she thinks she is doing and if she attends then think carefully about any further relationship with her

So the child suffers because of the parents? She is his grandmother as well.

She can stay neutral and maintain a relationship with all her grandchildren

BuanoKubiamVej · 03/06/2022 23:45

Yanbu
Message back "I don't think it's too early to start teaching the kids that excluding one cousin because of his disability is unacceptable. None of us will be attending"

Yaya26 · 03/06/2022 23:52

Horrid behaviour by your SIL.

Supersimkin2 · 03/06/2022 23:59

He’s 4. Even if he got to decide who comes to a family party (?eh) SIL ain’t modelling good behaviour.

yesthatisdrizzle · 04/06/2022 00:00

Wow. She takes being a bitch to a whole new level.

Oceanus · 04/06/2022 00:00

Your SIL's a peach and so's your mum (who should have said to the SIL to give you the invite herself given what she's doing is wrong). In fact there are so many peaches in your family you can stay home and eat a peach pie instead.

SarahDippity · 04/06/2022 00:02

‘Thanks for inviting DS2 but we can’t attend without DS1. We will send a gift from BOTH, and hope you can see a way to include us all next time.’

Vivi0 · 04/06/2022 00:03

I’m so sorry this has happened and that your precious little 3 year old has been treated so appallingly by an adult who should know better. I teared up reading your post.

Your brother and SIL haven’t given you a choice here. How on earth can you possibly attend this party? No mother would go along with this.

It's so cruel, not sure I can move past this with them.

Nor should you be expected to. My advice to you would be to have nothing to do with either of them going forward. And I’d be telling everyone in the family exactly why.

FloweryCurtainTwitcher · 04/06/2022 00:09

AskingforaBaskin · 03/06/2022 23:44

So the child suffers because of the parents? She is his grandmother as well.

She can stay neutral and maintain a relationship with all her grandchildren

Show quote history

She lost her neutrality when she delivered an exclusive invite

Stompythedinosaur · 04/06/2022 00:10

Absolutely awful behaviour from sil. Obviously don't go. Call me petty, but I wouldn't be quiet about her terrible behaviour with other family members.

grapewines · 04/06/2022 00:12

My advice to you would be to have nothing to do with either of them going forward. And I’d be telling everyone in the family exactly why.

Agree with this. What they've done is awful. The consequence is their own doing. I'm sorry this happened.

Rewis · 04/06/2022 00:12

I'd talk with your brother and let him know why you can't be there

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:15

Lots of people here are suggesting nuclear options. Personally I'd speak to the brother first. Hard though it would be, I'd keep steely calm and ask exactly why he thinks this is the way to go, and what their plans are going forward about involving both his nephews to family events going forward.

You say that your boy is quiet and not at all disruptive, so ask him exactly why he doesn't welcome him to his home, and why he is prepared to hurt and exclude him. I'd want to see some empathy from him (he has a boy nearly the same age, for goodness' sake) and a commitment to inclusion.

Going nuclear and breaking the family apart is only worth it where all else has failed.

For the record, I am every bit as angry and somewhat tearful about this as any poster here. But it's very easy for people who do not have to deal with the consequences for the rest of their lives, to tell you to blow this up even further (and involve your Mum in having to choose one of her kids over another)

I'd also send the birthday boy a card and a gift from both yours (or from you). It's not his fault, and you taking the high road puts you in a much better position to say what you want to say to his parents.

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:16

Two 'going forwards'? It's getting late.

ladydimitrescu · 04/06/2022 00:17

How horrible. I'm so sorry, you must be so hurt. Flowers

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:17

Oh, and of course I wouldn't go to the party. That's not a 'going nuclear' action. That bit's entirely reasonable. I just recommend that you keep your temper and act with a steely calm that unnerves them, instead.

StThomasAqAintWrong · 04/06/2022 00:20

What a horrible piece of work she is. I can feel your hurt OP. Try not to worry about your DS too much: he will find his way. The fact that he likes watching the others play is really sweet.

When I read threads like this I always hope and pray that the subject (in this case your SIL) recognises herself, or rather is recognised by her associates, so that everyone knows how cruel she is.

She is not through life yet. It has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball just when you think you’ve got it all sussed. “Didn’t think it would make any difference” pffft. She knew exactly what she was doing.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2022 00:23

We won’t be coming tomorrow. We will always do our best to protect ds1 from people who exclude him because he is different, I never expected those people to be his family though.

Sceptre86 · 04/06/2022 00:23

She's a bitch. I would go nc and your brother is just as bad.

greatblueheron · 04/06/2022 00:24

We wouldn't be going. And we wouldn't be sending anything more than a card to mark the day under the circumstances. Appalling.

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:25

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2022 00:23

We won’t be coming tomorrow. We will always do our best to protect ds1 from people who exclude him because he is different, I never expected those people to be his family though.

That is perfect. Say it to him/them in person if you can, OP. So much more powerful than a text. That's also a good way to explain your actions to your mum.

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:27

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:25

That is perfect. Say it to him/them in person if you can, OP. So much more powerful than a text. That's also a good way to explain your actions to your mum.

Show quote history

It's also a great example of how powerful it is to calmly and rationally shame someone, than kick off and threaten NC and everything else.

Simple, elegant and dignified. Nice one @timeisnotaline