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Original poster

SIL - nephews birthday party

256 replies

lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 21:42

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

OP posts:
Addicted2LuvIsland · 04/06/2022 00:32

It is shitty. I would always include all nephews and nieces. Also I would expect my SIL to hang around with the kids if she wanted. I'd also invite both sets of grandparents. What did she expect? For you ymto just drop one child and leave the other? Or stay and make arrangements for the other. It's odd.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 04/06/2022 00:34

I would also keep a distance as much as possible. Her behaviour onvs has form if even your mums relationship with her is strained.

2pinkginsplease · 04/06/2022 00:36

I would still send a gift.

I Have a horrid sister in law, she is vile and my brother has her on a pedestal. So much so we don’t talk.

however I would never leave my niece or nephew out due to her behaviour. The kids deserve better therefore I would never punish them for having crap parents.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 04/06/2022 00:38

100% I would not go to this party. And I would tell SIL that if both ds's are not invited to dn's party then neither are going.

Your SIL is a witch. I wonder how she would feel.if her 3 year old were left out. How mean.

Superslide · 04/06/2022 00:39

That absolutely beggars belief! It would really make me see them in a totally different light and I would find it very difficult ever speaking to them again. Does your DB know? Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 04/06/2022 00:48

Seriously I wouldn't go

Superslide · 04/06/2022 00:51

Do you think that she's controlling and doing this on purpose to isolate your brother from his family.

CJsGoldfish · 04/06/2022 01:11

I can see that you are not going. I wouldn't either. It is appalling behaviour and I know that I would not be able to get past it.

Once you've sent your text, don't get drawn into an argument over it OP. Just withdraw. Let them do the explaining for why the relationship has broken down. Horrible, horrible woman.

Tigofigo · 04/06/2022 01:20

Utterly dreadful, your SIL is a c word

Sadly microagressions like these (although this isn't particularly micro!) will probably happen to you and your DS again, and again. It's shit but do your best not to let it grind you down and celebrate your child as much and as often as you can.

ittakes2 · 04/06/2022 01:43

Your nephew is 3 going on 4 - he doesn’t know how to exclude other kids I am sorry it sounds like your s’n’law is horrible - you will need to avoid the party or this sort of thing will continue.

Hawkins001 · 04/06/2022 01:50

All the best op

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 04/06/2022 02:12

Horrible behaviour from SIL excluding her little nephew like this. At this age we often got people asking if they could bring siblings, it's almost expected at parties at people's houses, at least pre COVID. I always tell my DC you can't leave one or two people out. You can invite the whole class or half not inbetween. My most obviously Autistic DC doesn't get many invites. At this age there would have been a good chance he noticed he was left out. He certainly did at 4 in preschool when everyone in the class but him got an invite. To have family do this is really cruel. I'd be fine with no invite, they don't have to have cousins there, but to exclude one of two young children isn't ok.

SmartieRants · 04/06/2022 02:40

Such a truly unkind thing to do! Shame on DSIL and DB!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 04/06/2022 02:49

I would tell her very firmly that she won't be seeing ANY of my family at the party.

CallMeMabel · 04/06/2022 03:00

Your DB and SIL are a right pair of shitbirds! I wouldn't tolerate DH treating my neices and nephews like that and nor would he allow me to treat his family like that either. Good for you sticking up for your wean.

Ouchmytoe100 · 04/06/2022 03:11

I wouldn't go, nor would I see her in the future until she realised how awful this was. Your poor son.

Fraaahnces · 04/06/2022 03:50

I think blaming a toddler for making that decision was a really shitty cop out. Toddlers don’t write invitations. Your SIL is an awful person.

custardbear · 04/06/2022 04:06

That's dreadful, you're doing the right thing to text and decline. Tell them why too, and that their reasoning is ridiculous!
Perhaps next event you hold, invite your brother only and the children - see how she feels being left out!

autienotnaughty · 04/06/2022 04:10

I feel for you and your son. My ds is autistic, he's clever, funny and loves being around other children but once people see he's different they do tend to leave him out and tbh adults are usually worse than kids. Luckily he has so much love from his family and family friends he doesn't notice and he has a best friend who loves him to bits. I just wish people would take the time to see how awesome he is. I'm glad your not going and given that the invite decline will potentially cause issue anyway I'd be making the point to sil about the importance of teaching your children to be accepting of others. I would also be tempted to message brother as well. Hope your okay. Flowers

Newmumatlast · 04/06/2022 04:47

Caterinaballerina · 03/06/2022 21:47

The rule that they only need to invite people they want/like can be employed for class mates when at school if you can’t have a whole class party, it is NOT the way to treat family. How awful, is she your DB’s wife or DH’s sister? Either way I’d be getting your DH or DB to have a word and fix this and ensure it never happens again.

Agree with this. Wholly inappropriate

Morph22010 · 04/06/2022 06:26

Totally agree with you not going. I thought you were going to say it was the 18m excluded which you could possibly get your head round but to exclude the one that’s same age is just plain mean. I’ve got an autistic child who is older now but life can be very hard at times dealing with them and you need to surround yourself with people who are going to be of support mentally not people who are going to make you feel worse by pulling stunts like this. I’d try and distance myself now from them going forwards, should be easier with your mum not getting on with sil either

Lemonsandlemonade · 04/06/2022 06:54

Glad your not going OP coz that’s horrific. I would never talk to my SIL again if that was me.

Darbs76 · 04/06/2022 07:07

Really awful, I wouldn’t go. I’d say thanks for the invite but I can’t exclude one child from a family party so won’t be attending. Completely out of order on her behalf, very upsetting for you

Pinot4me · 04/06/2022 07:08

That’s just cruel. What an unkind thing to do! Vote with your feet!

MeridianB · 04/06/2022 07:15

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2022 00:23

We won’t be coming tomorrow. We will always do our best to protect ds1 from people who exclude him because he is different, I never expected those people to be his family though.

Agree this is a dignified approach.

She will either get mean about it or try to backtrack. Either way, do something lovely with your DC.

Perhaps try speaking to your brother in a few days or weeks about how you all move forward from here. But if he chooses to support his wife’s disgusting behaviour then id go very very LC with him and his family. It doesn’t sound like you will be missing much if she has form for causing trouble. You and your family deserve better. 💐