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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL - nephews birthday party

256 replies

lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 21:42

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

OP posts:
SmartieRants · 04/06/2022 07:16

I'm assuming they didn't want any of the family to attend? Because you'd have to be fucking stupid to think that one or other of you would turn up with DS2 alone!

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 04/06/2022 07:25

My two sons are now adults, the eldest is autistic and the youngest NT. You need to make it clear now that this is totally unacceptable. Some of my family struggle with my eldest and find him a bit difficult but he has never been excluded from a family event, if he was none of us would attend.

Morph22010 · 04/06/2022 07:26

I know you said you thought your db would side with his wife but do make sure he does actually know what’s happened so “but I didn’t know” can’t be used against you later on. Maybe send the reply by message to both of them and make the wording clear so it’s obvious that you’ve already checked with her that your Ds is excluded,

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/06/2022 07:30

Obviously it’s completely unacceptable.
But I don’t understand why you’re letting your brother off the hook so easily and just blaming SIL. He’s just as much to blame if he’s aware/was happy with the plan.

Jeansgoals · 04/06/2022 07:30

Family is an automatic invite.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 04/06/2022 07:32

Definitely don't go. A 3yo isn't mature enough to understand disability, they need an adult to help understand differences.

I don't think cousin means automatic invite, but excluding the same age one while inviting the sibling two years younger is an obvious mean omission. (Excluding the toddler for an age inappropriate party could be understandable).

onlythreenow · 04/06/2022 07:36

I agree that your SIL is nasty. Her DS can choose which friends he would like to invite, but when it comes to family it's all or none. I wouldn't be attending, and I would tell SIL why.

PuffinMcStuffin · 04/06/2022 07:40

In a roundabout way she's done you a favour, you now know for certain she's a terrible human and that your brother is just as bad. I'm so sorry but glad to hear you are protecting your children.

Beachbabe1 · 04/06/2022 07:47

That is disgusting!! I wouldnt be going and would distance myself from SIL

TolkiensFallow · 04/06/2022 07:49

Im glad you aren’t going and I’m glad you are telling her why. It’s vile of her. She should have just explained to her 4 year old that it’s different with family and you invite both cousins.

Caterinaballerina · 04/06/2022 07:49

One other comment for your reply is that her 4yo might not realise how cruel it is to exclude one cousin but as their aunt she should realise. You’ve referred to her as SIL and let me guess, as it’s her DH you are related to she sees your DC as his nephews not really her own. I replied to you last night and am still as annoyed on your behalf this morning.

billy1966 · 04/06/2022 07:50

Namechanger355 · 03/06/2022 22:15

This! But also don’t hide it from the rest of the family who should know how much of a witch she is

Show quote history

Absolutely appalling behaviour.

But now you know and will never have to put yourself out again.

So sorry OP.

theonlygirl · 04/06/2022 07:51

Kids choosing who comes to their parties generally happens a few years into primary, before that they tend to be entire class, because they are too young to understand why they aren't invited. parties at that age are the highlight of their lives and they can't not talk about them.

Your SIL has used this as a way to exclude your son. She's vile and so is your DB if he goes along with it. Do you think he knows or will she try to style it out as though it was your choice not to come?

In any case, I wouldn't go either and without an absolute grovelling apology clearing showing how wrong she was, that would be me and them done. Bloody awful.

Ragruggers · 04/06/2022 07:57

I would send a card with a small gift or £5 and say have a lovely day and enjoy your 2 children on a trip out.Don’t bother to explain there is no point she is a awful person.Donot brush this behaviour under the carpet just blank her going forward.We experienced this with adopted children from SIL.So sorry.

Dexionmagic · 04/06/2022 07:58

There are times when you give a young child a choice and there are rimes when you don’t.

But the choice has been given, decision made.

So……. Your choices..

All turn up.
Offer to help and so the uninvited one has to come.
Snub the whole event - with or without detailed explanations/thoughts/opinions.
Do a Prince Andrew - announce covid symptoms.

cansu · 04/06/2022 07:58

I would not go and I would be making it clear why. That is so unkind and thoughtless.

Mouk · 04/06/2022 08:01

That's a shitty thing to do.

I wouldn't go.

TimeToChangeItUpNow · 04/06/2022 08:06

Don't go op. I have a son with ASD, for years he didn't really join in at parties but oh my goodness, he really wanted to be invited!

This made me so sad to read. If your son is diagnosed with ASD, buy her a book and say 'so you can understand how he feels as I know you struggled to think about that before' (or something similar). She is an unbelievably mean adult.

Your other son won't know he's missing out if you don't go. Oh and explain all of this honestly to your SIL. 'DS1 may have ASD/other needs, just because he doesn't appear outwardly to want to join in much doesn't mean that he didn't want to be invited. Joining in doesn't come as naturally to him. It would be very mean of me to bring one DS and not the other when it's a family invite (different when it's school friends of course)'.

As an aside, my son is 9 now and in the last year he has started joining in at parties (after years of just sitting on the edge with me!).

Harrysutton · 04/06/2022 08:06

Your SIL is being really cruel. I’d be tempted to not reply and just not turn up to the party. Do something really fun with the dc that day and distance yourself from them all.

pictish · 04/06/2022 08:09

Your brother and sil are a pair of idiots. Don’t go. Tell your brother to fuck off.

RandomUser10093 · 04/06/2022 08:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Morph22010 · 04/06/2022 08:12

Do you have any other family on your side thsts invited or is it just your dm? Need to make sure they know why you won’t be going

Lalliella · 04/06/2022 08:13

You are not being over-sensitive at all, your SIL is really mean. Don’t go.

HaggisBurger · 04/06/2022 08:17

lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 22:34

My mum wasn't happy but their relationship is strained anyway due to SILs behaviour so I wouldn't want her to get involved in it.

We aren't going, and I'll text tomorrow and tell her exactly why.

Good for you. That’s ridiculous and cruel behaviour. A 3 years “wants” doesn’t trump family, kindness and learning that it’s not all about you.

She sounds horrendous @lollipoplips

Pancakeorcrepe · 04/06/2022 08:25

This broke my heart for your little boy! What a nasty piece of work your brother and SIL are.