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Original poster

SIL - nephews birthday party

256 replies

lollipoplips · 03/06/2022 21:42

I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is a really shitty thing to do so interested to hear what people think.

I have 2 sons 18m and 3.
SIL has 2 sons 3 and 5.

It's my nephews 4th birthday next week and my mum gave me an invitation today for his party with just my youngest name on. I assumed it was a mistake and text SIL saying invite only says DS2 is that a mistake. She replied and said no, her son chose who he wanted to attend and he only said DS2, I replied and said I felt that was unfair to exclude 1 nephew from the party and she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.

For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play even if he doesn't get involved. There's no issues between them, no fighting/arguing he just keeps his distance, doing his own thing or watches everyone else. He's a happy boy, rarely has tantrums or meltdowns in public.

The party is at their house, in the garden, they have lots of space so numbers isn't an issue.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive and heartbroken for my beautiful boy as I feel this is the start of how he will be treated growing up.

I'm thinking of just not bothering at all.

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 04/06/2022 15:21

This is awful. SIL is out of order.

I'd be tempted to message back, "Thank you, but we'll have to decline. We'd prefer to spend the weekend doing a family activity with both our beautiful DSs, rather than attending a "family" party to which only one is invited".

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 04/06/2022 16:18

Tbh as well OP I can guarantee that this decision DIDN'T actually come from the birthday boy. They don't have the malice to exclude like this. It almosr certainly came from his parent(s) I'm sorry to say

FateHasRedesignedMost · 04/06/2022 16:55

If it’s more for friends and not a family gathering why invite just the younger sibIing and exclude the autistic one of same age if the birthday child

Who knows, maybe the birthday child adores his baby cousin and especially asked for him to be on the guest list? 4 year olds often enjoy playing with babies and toddlers.

It seems odd to assume the SIL is cruel and spiteful rather than thoughtless.

Does she even realise her nephew is being investigated for autism or does she just think he doesn’t like parties/games/playing with her children? Without a diagnosis it can be difficult to explain behaviour; not everyone tells relatives they suspect their child has autism or autistic traits. If he had a formal diagnosis and SIL was aware she might be more sensitive?

Morph22010 · 04/06/2022 17:06

FateHasRedesignedMost · 04/06/2022 16:55

If it’s more for friends and not a family gathering why invite just the younger sibIing and exclude the autistic one of same age if the birthday child

Who knows, maybe the birthday child adores his baby cousin and especially asked for him to be on the guest list? 4 year olds often enjoy playing with babies and toddlers.

It seems odd to assume the SIL is cruel and spiteful rather than thoughtless.

Does she even realise her nephew is being investigated for autism or does she just think he doesn’t like parties/games/playing with her children? Without a diagnosis it can be difficult to explain behaviour; not everyone tells relatives they suspect their child has autism or autistic traits. If he had a formal diagnosis and SIL was aware she might be more sensitive?

Tbh even if the child wasn’t autistic I still thing it’s out of order to invite the baby and not the one the same age as the birthday child where they are both cousins. She may well just be thoughtless but then when the op asked you would have thought she would have realised at that point. When my child was 3 if I asked him who he wanted to invite he’d name a few names, if I’d asked him another day he’d have named different names, thats why they need guidance at that age.

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 04/06/2022 17:09

I must come from a totally different type of family based on some of these comments. I don't have the best relationship with my in-laws but even so we wouldn't dream of not inviting every cousin to a party, especially for this age. And I wouldn't rely heavily on a 4YO to give me a guestlist. I can't even rely on my 4YO to tell me what she wants for breakfast 🤣

ChocolateHippo · 04/06/2022 17:18

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 04/06/2022 17:09

I must come from a totally different type of family based on some of these comments. I don't have the best relationship with my in-laws but even so we wouldn't dream of not inviting every cousin to a party, especially for this age. And I wouldn't rely heavily on a 4YO to give me a guestlist. I can't even rely on my 4YO to tell me what she wants for breakfast 🤣

For my DC's last party, he said he wanted a bouncy castle and then named one - one - child he wanted to invite. To avoid hiring said castle and a hall for two children only, I invited friends and family and asked the nursery staff who he played with at nursery. There turned out to be a group of 8 or 9 of them who played together frequently 😁! So ime definitely you can't trust a 4 year old.

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 04/06/2022 17:25

ChocolateHippo · 04/06/2022 17:18

For my DC's last party, he said he wanted a bouncy castle and then named one - one - child he wanted to invite. To avoid hiring said castle and a hall for two children only, I invited friends and family and asked the nursery staff who he played with at nursery. There turned out to be a group of 8 or 9 of them who played together frequently 😁! So ime definitely you can't trust a 4 year old.

Show quote history

Exactly! It's also why as I've said in pp I really don't think this came from the birthday boy. At the very least I'm sure with my dd that simply explaining that it would make her cousin sad to not be included he'd make the right decision to invite him. Kids this age are intuitively not malicious or prejudiced

FateHasRedesignedMost · 04/06/2022 17:26

she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.
For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play

Does SIL know he is ‘suspected Autistic’? Or does she think he doesn’t like her children so avoids playing or interacting with them?
Does she realise he likes watching his cousins play even though he doesn’t join in?

It would be nice if she’d discussed this with OP, but it sounds like she let her son choose who to invite and a 4 year old is unlikely to invite a child who refuses to play with him or join in games.

Morph22010 · 04/06/2022 17:34

FateHasRedesignedMost · 04/06/2022 17:26

she said she didn't think it would matter as he's never interested in playing with them.
For background my DS1 is suspected Autistic, he struggles socially and doesn't often interact with kids his age, but he loves going to see his cousins, he likes watching them play

Does SIL know he is ‘suspected Autistic’? Or does she think he doesn’t like her children so avoids playing or interacting with them?
Does she realise he likes watching his cousins play even though he doesn’t join in?

It would be nice if she’d discussed this with OP, but it sounds like she let her son choose who to invite and a 4 year old is unlikely to invite a child who refuses to play with him or join in games.

Personally I still think it’s out of order to invite the baby and not the 3 year old even if she does not know about the potential diagnosis. Lots of kids are shy at that age and struggle to join in, I would imagine it’s worse at the minute due to them not socialising during the pandemic.

DFOD · 04/06/2022 18:00

It’s totally dysfunctional, toxic and divisive to do this to an extended family ND or not.

I would expect your DM to have words with her DS on behalf of her DGS and the integrity of the extended family unit as a whole.

This is a disgraceful way to treat family.

Murdoch1949 · 04/06/2022 18:50

That's disappointing from your s-in-law. Cousins should be invited as a way of fostering family unity, no matter their age. You are right to decline the invite, I would be so disappointed on behalf of my child. Even if your elder son struggled even more at parties than he does, she should have invited him. It is crass to invite your youngest son and not the elder, how could she think this was appropriate? Take your children out for a lovely treat instead.

Original poster
lollipoplips · 04/06/2022 19:28

Thanks for the replies.

For the few who think it's acceptable and I'm awful for depriving my other son. He's 18m, he hasn't got a clue. He doesn't know he's missing out. I get the point and as he gets older then it's something we will have to deal with but I still think with family both should be included. He isn't horrible, doesn't cause a scene. He'd probably happily sit with the adults chatting away as he's very sociable with adults.

And whoever said my mum is awful for passing on the invite, what was she meant to do? She couldn't not pass on the invite, Mum really hasn't done anything wrong.

Having read all the replies and had some time to reflect on it all I actually think it's really cruel. It's not forcing kids to be friends to teach them kindness and to be accepting of others.
Is it just because it's a hidden disability that it's ok? If he was in a wheelchair, unable to walk would it still be ok to not invite him?

I spoke to my brother today, he didn't really have anything to say just that he's had nothing to do with the party so best to speak to SIL as she's organising it.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 04/06/2022 19:48

I spoke to my brother today, he didn't really have anything to say just that he's had nothing to do with the party so best to speak to SIL as she's organising it.

Sounds as if your brother is a bit of a pushover within his marriage, if this is how he’s reacting to his nephew being excluded.

Sorry OP

Notonthestairs · 04/06/2022 19:53

He has nothing to do with his son's party? What a way to pass on responsibility. He should be arguing his nephews corner. Honestly pathetic and no sense of right from wrong.

I'm sorry that you've been put in this position.

saraclara · 04/06/2022 20:02

What a pathetic excuse for a man your brother is. I'm so sorry that your son has an uncle who doesn't have his back.

MeridianB · 04/06/2022 20:24

Agree with PPs that your brother’s reaction and inaction is appalling. I’d find this hard to forgive.

I’d drop all contact for a while and take time to consider how any future relationship might look. 💐

SmartCarDriver · 04/06/2022 20:36

lollipoplips · 04/06/2022 19:28

Thanks for the replies.

For the few who think it's acceptable and I'm awful for depriving my other son. He's 18m, he hasn't got a clue. He doesn't know he's missing out. I get the point and as he gets older then it's something we will have to deal with but I still think with family both should be included. He isn't horrible, doesn't cause a scene. He'd probably happily sit with the adults chatting away as he's very sociable with adults.

And whoever said my mum is awful for passing on the invite, what was she meant to do? She couldn't not pass on the invite, Mum really hasn't done anything wrong.

Having read all the replies and had some time to reflect on it all I actually think it's really cruel. It's not forcing kids to be friends to teach them kindness and to be accepting of others.
Is it just because it's a hidden disability that it's ok? If he was in a wheelchair, unable to walk would it still be ok to not invite him?

I spoke to my brother today, he didn't really have anything to say just that he's had nothing to do with the party so best to speak to SIL as she's organising it.

I'm so sorry you're DS, is being treated like this,
.

The only people in the wrong are DB and DSIL, they're awful people.

Your DM wasn't wrong, you're not wrong and neither are either of your children.

One thing I disagree with, it's not going to be an issue with you DC in years to come, because I think you'll justifiably be NC.

Flowers
StThomasAqAintWrong · 04/06/2022 22:25

FateHasRedesignedMost I’d work on social skills☹️🙄about a child with suspected autism. I thought I’d seen it all on here but that one ..
It reminds me of all the complaints years ago about Cherie the presenter from CBBies, who was born with part of her right arm missing. Some parents thought it wasn’t desirable that their precious little cherubs had to look at the atrophied part of her arm. They wanted her to be sacked.

I wish you well OP. It is tough, and it’s sad that your own brother is enabling this woman.

It’s up to her to educate herself about all the many forms human beings can take. It’s not up to you. You have enough to deal with.

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2022 02:22

@FateHasRedesignedMost - what rock have you been hiding under? My DD1 was very much like this she is almost 18 and has only recently been diagnosed. This child probably recognizes that he is different and this will become increasingly evident at school, causing massive anxiety. I’m sure OP is all over this. It’s evident in her realistic, empathetic and protective posts.

Oceanus · 05/06/2022 12:57

The world is hard enough for those without a disability, never mind for those with one. My DA's blind and even regular pavements can be hard to navigate.
OP, I think we can't change people, they are who they are and we either accept their faults or move on. Your SIL and your brother think what happened is fine. Can you live with that? Is this character fault sth you can live with?...
I wouldn't be able to. I'd be constanly on edge, thinking will they do/say sth nasty to my kids when I'm not looking? Your DS1 is autistic not cognitively impaired, if they're nasty he's going to pick up on it. Do you really want your DC to be around people like that? This isn't about a party, this is bigger than that.

Original poster
lollipoplips · 05/06/2022 16:34

@Oceanus yes this is much bigger than the party. To me, it's an insight into how they see him, not worth their efforts. I think now looking back there were other, much more subtle signs he wasn't really accepted.

He is such a beautiful, intelligent and funny boy he Is a real charmer, adults absolutely adore him as he is so friendly and chatty, I get compliments on him every time we leave the house. There is so much love for him, we don't need people in our lives who don't see it. It makes me so sad for his future I just hope he always shines like he does now and doesn't allow the opinions and actions of others to upset him. I'll definitely be encouraging that.

OP posts:
Morph22010 · 05/06/2022 16:43

lollipoplips · 05/06/2022 16:34

@Oceanus yes this is much bigger than the party. To me, it's an insight into how they see him, not worth their efforts. I think now looking back there were other, much more subtle signs he wasn't really accepted.

He is such a beautiful, intelligent and funny boy he Is a real charmer, adults absolutely adore him as he is so friendly and chatty, I get compliments on him every time we leave the house. There is so much love for him, we don't need people in our lives who don't see it. It makes me so sad for his future I just hope he always shines like he does now and doesn't allow the opinions and actions of others to upset him. I'll definitely be encouraging that.

Definitely as I said upthread it’s hard enough having a kid with additional needs you need to surround yourself with people who are going to be supportive and not those that are going to cause you additional pressure and worry.

saraclara · 05/06/2022 17:38

lollipoplips · 05/06/2022 16:34

@Oceanus yes this is much bigger than the party. To me, it's an insight into how they see him, not worth their efforts. I think now looking back there were other, much more subtle signs he wasn't really accepted.

He is such a beautiful, intelligent and funny boy he Is a real charmer, adults absolutely adore him as he is so friendly and chatty, I get compliments on him every time we leave the house. There is so much love for him, we don't need people in our lives who don't see it. It makes me so sad for his future I just hope he always shines like he does now and doesn't allow the opinions and actions of others to upset him. I'll definitely be encouraging that.

He sounds a sweetheart! I do hope that your mum will support you and always advocate for him too.

DFOD · 05/06/2022 18:02

lollipoplips · 05/06/2022 16:34

@Oceanus yes this is much bigger than the party. To me, it's an insight into how they see him, not worth their efforts. I think now looking back there were other, much more subtle signs he wasn't really accepted.

He is such a beautiful, intelligent and funny boy he Is a real charmer, adults absolutely adore him as he is so friendly and chatty, I get compliments on him every time we leave the house. There is so much love for him, we don't need people in our lives who don't see it. It makes me so sad for his future I just hope he always shines like he does now and doesn't allow the opinions and actions of others to upset him. I'll definitely be encouraging that.

He’s going to fly with your stance.

Well done OP. Surround him with a loving, caring, supportive, encouraging and inspiring environment.

Keep him away from the dysfunctional and toxic family which will pollute his self esteem and growth.

You sound a great Mum to you little family and your DS sounds delightful. It’s their loss.

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 05/06/2022 18:08

lollipoplips · 05/06/2022 16:34

@Oceanus yes this is much bigger than the party. To me, it's an insight into how they see him, not worth their efforts. I think now looking back there were other, much more subtle signs he wasn't really accepted.

He is such a beautiful, intelligent and funny boy he Is a real charmer, adults absolutely adore him as he is so friendly and chatty, I get compliments on him every time we leave the house. There is so much love for him, we don't need people in our lives who don't see it. It makes me so sad for his future I just hope he always shines like he does now and doesn't allow the opinions and actions of others to upset him. I'll definitely be encouraging that.

You are doing right OP. This beautiful sounding little boy needs more than any child to be surrounded only people who are a positive influence in his life. Don't feel duty bound to be treated like crap by 'family'. Just do you as you are doing as this is what your kids need x