“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

I think I'd be surprised that after getting engaged and Covid delays that a couple decided their priority was a holiday not getting married.

Sorry, it strikes me as a token engagement with no real intention of getting married.

Why didn't you just wait to be engaged until you actually wanted to marry?

OP, so many PP have said this that it must be time for you to accept that they know more about your & DP's intentions than you do. Call the whole thing off, because strangers know for a fact that you don't really want to get married.

I've been engaged for over 10 years and actually don't even wear my ring anymore. We will get married at some point but I have no idea when! It's no one else's business how you decide to spend your money and live your life.

I think because an engagement is ‘to be married’ sort of contract. So people get concerned when people get engaged and don’t get married.

I wouldn’t care but I’d be worried if it was a friend of mine and that she didn’t want a long engagement.

I was only engaged 6 months. But that’s because we had a tiny wedding and I couldn’t see the reason in waiting. But then it also wouldn’t of bothered me had we of waited.

Well, it's your life, so your decision!

but to try to answer your questions

1. Depends. Cousin - no. Nana - yes.

1. no, it's not such a long engagement, especially with covid. But it's no longer a huge consideration, so it would be 'normal' to have set a date by now (I can j set stand you not wanting to plan one before now)

3 Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?. Well I think if you get engaged to be married & tell people you kind of make it their business.

1. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.

because 'life'. You know why, don't pretend you don't.

5 ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

wise not to say it 👍🏻🤣

maybe they're looking forward to a big family celebration especially with Covid they're probably just looking forward to it all.

as I say, it's your life, do what makes you happy.

I think it's a bit odd that people get engaged as an 'end point', it's meant to trasitionary 'to get married'.

I know that's not what you're doing, but it's probably how it looks. I'm not surprised family are asking when? Because if there's no actual plan to get married, getting engaged is a bit pointless.

you might think it looks more committed, but if you don't follow through with a marriage, it's really not. A bit like renewals.

personally I'd have got married & done the trip as our honeymoon.

but you do what YOU want, but it's a bit daft not to expect people to ask when this thing you told them is going to happen, is actually going to happen 💁🏻‍♀️

I mean I agree with this.
you invited the intrigue by “getting engaged”, so you can’t really blame them for wondering when you are going to do the thing you said you had decided to do and asked them all to be excited about.

Something about weddings and marriages does seem to take us all back in time. Apparently getting that man tied down is all we should be aspiring to do. People get incredibly over invested for the 'happy ending'. I think it's partly as we all have an interest in preserving societal status quos. See pronatalism as well.

But also people like a good party.

I was engaged for 12 years before we eloped - best decision ever!

usually people plan a wedding as soon as they’re engaged, but if your happy they way you are and want to do other things first why rush it to please other people

We've been engaged since 2018 and nobody even bothers to ask about a wedding anymore. I think that they know that we would like to get married, but they know that we can't afford a big wedding, and they don't want us to have a modest one (they made that very clear early on) and they don't want to financially contribute. Sooooo it's completely ignored by everyone now.

Re. your family. Yes, they were rude. When you do plan your wedding then absolutely plan it for yourselves, not for anyone else. It isn't a particularly long engagement I don't think. With costs these days, a lot of people need at least a couple of years to save up for a wedding, especially if they're also saving for a home. Then a year or so to plan... it all makes sense. And questioning if he still wants to marry you is just awful!

Also you’re complaining about the fact that there are sexist double standards in people assuming that you are the one desperate to get married and your DP is stalling. But you are the one who participated in the sexist ritual that propagates these notions. You said your DP proposed to you and you didn’t even know when it was going to happen? I mean this is a ritual based on the premise that it is men who decide whether and when to get married and women sit around passively waiting for it to happen. If you want to be treated like an equal, why didn’t you behave like one and have a mutual adult conversation about getting married, plan and date and tell people when you needed to let them know they were invited to the wedding 💁🏼‍♀️. I really do think you brought this on yourself and are therefore BU for complaining.

did you get engaged to get married or to be engaged?

This. Being engaged is usually a short term thing... you agree to get married, then you, you know, do it.

Also I dont think 2 years is a long engagement, plenty of people wait but usually its because it's when there was a date free at the venue they wanted etc - the planning is usually well under way and a date agreed.

What an absolute load of rubbish!!
2 years isn’t that long. 12 years maybe, but 2?!!

Do it in Vegas like pp said. And use wedding money in something useful.

For*

OP for what it’s worth I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business (but can see why they might be asking, the engagement will have prompted that) BUT why post in AIBU? All of your replies are very defensive (of course that’s fine!) but if you’re so sure you are not unreasonable any your family etc are, why post?

Are you really having this issue?

I was engaged 5 years before booking then it was postponed 2 years due to covid.

My best friend was engaged for 10 years then broke up and got engaged to someone else in less than a year.

Another friend was engaged 12 years then got married.

A family member was engaged 30 YEARS before getting married.

Another family member has been together 35 years engaged 6 and has no actual plans of getting married.

On the flip side my parents, my other best friend and my BIL/SIL got engaged and married in under 1 month.

Theres no right or wrong way but non of us where harrassed about getting married, honestly virtually no one mentions it.

People are pretty bored by weddings, have their own lives and any convosation is usually just them trying to make polite small talk they dont 'actually' care.

You'll see how little people care when trying to get your RSVPs back lol.

Why don’t you just set a date? That will pacify them.

Look at venues, set a date and then go on holiday.

Both can be done simultaneously.

As many others have said, why wouldn’t you just book your trip to America as your honeymoon?

I was engaged for 6 years before we finally got married.else
Fuck all to do with anyone else

No idea why people bother getting engaged or married but if that's your thing, it's nobody's business but yours and your partners. Everyone else should keep their nose out and certainly not comment.

I think 2 years is quite a long time to not even begin the planning. If it was a funding or practical issue most people get it, but wanting a holiday doesn't just sound like much of a reason to put it off. Loads of people have long engagements for various reasons, it's nothing new. But I do see why you'd get a few comments.

I love the MN options, I wonder if these people would be the basis for an English version of stepford housewives.

My mum and dad where engaged for 8 years. Had me and my brother in the middle of being engaged and married.

Auntie and Uncle engaged 14 years.

Both ended up with low key beach weddings abroad with limited guests.

Announcing your wedding doesn’t open you up to assumption for every man/dog/family member would be invited. Weddings can be expensive, there is a backlog due to covid and I’ve found some don’t aren’t as special when they’re back to back with another.

People are rude! I’m single and a man at the gym told me if I don’t hurry up I’ll be forever alone due to being to old to bare children. I’m 24 for gods sake.

It's about six years here.

Redundancies without payouts, bereavement, further job insecurity - paying the rent for the next 12 months is more of a priority than registry office fees and the like.

It's hilarious op and as proof that you can't please fucking anyone, I got engaged after six months but didn't get married for another 2 years and we had people telling us that was way too soon to be married whilst in the same breathe asking when we would have kids 🙄

So they want you to have a big wedding but don't want to pay for it? If they're not making a financial contribution, they have no say in the matter. It's like insisting you buy a Mercedes when you've only got the money for a Mini.

I really don't think a 2 year engagement is long at all. Ours was 3 years and we didn't plan anything until just over the 2 year mark. No-one said anything.

I know of a couple who were engaged for 8 years and have now been happily married for a good few.