“Well it has been a long engagement, hasn’t it…”

[Chubarubrub]

I saw extended family today and I got this comment.

“Well it has been a long engagement hasn’t it…”

as well as:

”Are we going to get a Wedding then or are you just going to stay engaged?”

DP and I got engaged in Feb 2020, just before COVID kicked off, we didn’t want the mess around we saw others dealing with so thought we’d wait until things improved and then would start planning.

We started looking last Christmas for venues but then decided we wanted to have the holiday of a lifetime first (for us this is a road trip across America) so started planning this instead.

This prompted an immediate negative reaction from DM who oddly took me aside and asked if ‘I’m sure that DP really wants to get married’ 😡 one of my friends actually insinuated the same, when it was a joint decision!!

We are putting off planning the Wedding now until after the Summer, which seems to have rattled some cages.

Then today I got the above comments from two separate family members, which irritated me even more.

I just laughed it off and said ‘I’m not sure why people are more obsessed with us getting married than we are’ and left it at that, apparently that was rude, but I’m so annoyed:

1. Was that rude?
2. Is this really such a looong engagement? Especially with the pandemic etc. (I know lots of people got married but it was our choice to wait)
3. Even if it is, who’s business is it except ours?
4. Why do some people assume that the decision isn’t mine and that I’m not a woman who can equally make decisions with DP.
5. ”are WE going to get a wedding?” ?? But it’s not about you. Why don’t you get married - for the fourth time. (Ok I thought this, I didn’t say it)

Actually I’m not sure what my AIBU is about, I’m just annoyed.

Why are people so obsessed with when other people get married or whether they get married at all. Also strangely, every question has been put to me, because obviously as the woman I’m the one just dying to get married and if we are not it means DP doesn’t want to… not that we both decided this as a team.

I thought this was 2022 not 1922?

This may be the worst piece of advice I’ve seen on here… what a way to get the gossip going!!

I was engaged for 10 years, my choice.
Although, it was interesting that people seem to make jokes that I hadn't managed to get him down the aisle.

People are full of comments, really isn't a good idea to give many of them any headspace.

Some people are engaged years. Personally I think it’s a bit daft - I think the next step after engaged is planning, wedding, then marriage. However, we had a pretty small wedding. Some people want to save up for a big wedding but in that case I probably wouldn’t announce it until it was closer to the time I was going to actually get married. For me being engaged for ages and ages is just a bit pointless - just the whole thing of announcing ‘oh we’re engaged, we’re going to get married… in about 5 years.’

But if it works for you just tell people when they ask ‘we aren’t getting married soon, we’ll tell you when we know when the wedding is.’ I think it’s just people making conversation since you’re engaged. The same way some relatives will always annoyingly ask single people ‘so do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?’

With us after we got engaged we went down the trying for children route which ended up taking a fricking long time and in the end money too. We now need any spare money for a house move. Add to that the thought of organising a wedding is my idea of hell but I don't think the families would appreciate us eloping on our own (with the kids) so I have no idea when it will happen! People stopped asking us a long time ago so no pressure!

Don’t let it worry you.

It has.

Most people are just making conversation.

Sometimes they’re just tactless. I’ve lost count of the amount of weddings I’ve been to where the bride’s rolled up in full meringue mode surrounded by her groom, large children and practically GC to be greeted by ‘we didn’t think you’d bother’. A bit deflating but not unkindly meant.

Well it's the woman whose fertile years are limited, and who typcally suffers financially if babies happen before marriage, so yes it's the woman who typically gets disadvantaged by a long/indefinite engagement. A good friend and mum should take you aside and make sure nothing is awry.

But equally they should accept your answer.

Aunt Mavis however can go fuck herself.

Yanbu. Got engaged Xmas 2019. Then covid caused unemployment which caused financial and other worries which we are still sorting out. We have literally put it on the back burner and wish people would mind their own fucking business!

I think @maddy68 has it - aren't people just being pleasant and trying to take an interest?

If you were in my circle I might ask 'have you set a date yet' if i saw you.

I’ve seen soooo many threads on here where the woman posts because she’s been engaged for many years, bought a house together and had kids but the DP basically refuses to get married and she feels shocked and tricked and the relationship begins to crumble.

Two years is a long engagement. I totally get the covid thing, but it is weird that you aren’t even planning the wedding even if itnis for 2024, and seem more interested in a holiday.

Yabu to be surprised that your family want to check if you’re being strung along / have got cold feet / if there is some problem eg financial that’s preventing the wedding.

I'm not a granny (35) but to me announcing an engagement is announcing that you're going to get married so I think it's reasonable for people to ask when that might be!

I get that you're feeling got at, but if you talk about "We will start planning," that means you aren't planning now

Sorry but to most people hearing about an engagement, the logical follow up is, "Congratulations, when's the wedding?" And if the answer is a long explanation then yeah, I'd think the couple were having second thoughts.

I hasten to add that I wouldn't say anything to you in public but if you were a close friend I'd have quiet word.

We were engaged for 10 years before we got around to it.

Then we just fucked off and didn't invite anyone cos we were so fucked off at the lot of them!

If you don't want people asking you about your wedding plans don't get engaged and announce it.

Once you announce you are getting married people will want to talk about it.

Announcing an engagement, expecting congtaultions and excitment, and then saying, yeah we just meant one vague day in sometime in the future, is seeking attention then wanting it dropped.

If you are going to get married one vague day in the future, no need to announce that as an engagemnt, just know that yourselves, and then tell everyone when you are actually going to get married.

Long engagements are pointless and demand something publically from others they don't then deliver on.

I've been engaged for 11 years, but 2 children later and I just can't bring myself to spend money on a wedding, I'd rather spend it on a holiday to Disney World for all of us. We keep talking about just popping to the registry office, but never seem to get around to it. I wish we could fill out a form online and bam, suddenly be married! 🤣

I'm speaking as someone who was engaged for 5 years, and eventually left my EXDP after the 7 year relationship as the excuses to delay the wedding were getting more and more ridiculous. I could have accepted that if he'd explained the change of heart, and the relationship was otherwise perfect, however he'd turned horribly emotionally abusive so it was an easy decision for me to make.

To me an engagement is no more of a commitment than living together, or being a boyfriend and girlfriend living apart, if you're not actively planning the wedding, or have a date set. I really don't see the point. I wouldn't ask anyone about it though, I would just think it was a bit odd to myself.

Urghh we had the same, people are so annoying. Engaged 5 years and still going haha (though we have had 2 DC in that time). The fact they assume it means it is your partner that doesn't really want to get married is just rude and offensive.
Honestly the way our families have gotten so involved with this has put me off having a wedding altogether so we're getting hitched next year without anyone there. I feel so relieved since we have made that decision. I really really want to marry my partner, but just don't want to have a wedding. I have anxiety and everyone getting involved and having opinions is way too stressful for me.

I got engaged in my twenties and got married last year whilst pregnant with my first. We had aallll the comments over the years. Tell people to mind their business

Vegas was going to be my suggestion as well

Second that. Holiday + Vegas and organise a party afterwards. Much easier.

Have you considered doing the trip as your honeymoon instead? We did a special trip travelling around a country we were desperate to visit as ours and it was wonderful first adventure as a married couple.

You're engaged.
You've put off, twice , when you could have got married.
I'm assuming you want a huge affair.
Plan it now so that you don't have to hear the comments that are bothering you.

Marriage really ISN'T just a piece of paper.

Marriage has legal and financial implications, particularly if one of you dies unexpectedly or the romantic relationship ends. I thought everybody (except my EXDP) knew this.

Let’s be clear - you want a big wedding day more than you want to be married.

We got married after 19 years. We never got engaged or had an engagement ring or anything. We had 2 kids and we wanted the legal protection. It’s not changed anything and we were happy as we were. I still don’t get the whole wedding faff, the stress, the people demanding to know everything. We just quietly planned it, gave the date to important family and friends and just invited everyone else about 2/3 months before. You can’t suit everyone, so just suit yourselves.

It's not much more complicated than filling in a form and costs about 150 quid.