Jubilee Party that wasn’t cancelled

[BullyBoss]

I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable here. I have a friend, call her Susan, not her real name. Susan and her husband David are very sociable. I’ve been friends with Susan for over 30 years and considered her a close friend once although we’ve not been so close for the last five ish, I’ve put this down to covid, etc.

I was chuffed to be invited to Susan and David’s platinum jubilee party as they do throw a good party. A few weeks later the party was cancelled on Facebook as it all got too big and they were going on holiday a few days later. No problem, I understood.

Today’s Facebook is full of pics of the very much happening jubilee party with lots of our joint friends attending.

I’m really hurt by this. I know she doesn’t have to invite me, it’s her choice but I haven’t done anything to upset her. The party is clearly still on but I was uninvited. AIBU? Be kind I don’t have a lot of friends and my mental health is shot to pieces at the moment (not due to this but this hasn’t helped).

I’d get some weed killer and draw a massive phallus on her front lawn…

I'd be inclined to comment on Facebook "Oh,you said it had been cancelled". And leave it at that.
She doesn't sound like a nice person.

Register her email address with the Federal Aviation Authority so she’ll get a message each time a plane takes off or lands in mainland USA and territories? I’d give her inbox c 1-2 hrs

That's so hurtful but maybe there were too many guests and she had to cut it down to close friends. I'd suggest messaging her to say exactly how you feel and she'll probably be really apologetic and say that it wasn't personal. If not, then she's not nice and you defo don't need her in your life

Goodness hoe awful for you. I’d be devastated that anybody could be so rude to me.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you 🥺 Make sure you like every single pic and leave a comment e.g this looks amazing. Sorry I couldn't be there (on one of them). After 30 yrs of friendship, I think it's safe to say that this one, has come to an end 😮‍💨

This is why it can be difficult hosting parties you try and do something nice but end up pissing people off. Host your own even better event op and don’t invite her.

Facebook strikes again. Posting pictures on it seems so quaint now.

My husband is now an ex for way he treat me , for his 50th,we'd been living together 8 year by then,I bought him an aeroplane flight experience ,where you fly a small plane ,he loved it,then he said he was going out with his mates from work to celebrate it my kids and me were gutted as we wanted to do a party for him ,anyway,he went out and I got a call from 1 of his sons telling me he was really out with his family for a party he knew all about it but we weren't invited ,me and my kids are decent people so I didn't get it ,apparently thy All went out on the town pub crawling then a big party for him back at his nieces , I was livid with him for lying to me

You are not being reasonable to feel this way as it does seem strange
Did they explain, outside of the obvious holiday & numbers coming to the party being too big, why you were individually uninvited in the 1st place? If they didn’t that is either because they didn’t think you warranted a more personal explanation, a bit thoughtless, or they had so many people to un-invite that it was easier to just blanket cancel & deal with anyone who messaged asking why on an individual level.
maybe those invited messaged to say how disappointed they were & said to give them a shout if the party was back on.
You do say they are known for throwing a good party so I imagine the guest list was quite big meaning messaging everyone individually would have been a big task.

I would message her, apologise for not seeing that the party was back on, apologise for not turning up & wait for a reply but don’t hold your breath.
Her reaction will tell you whether to carry on with the friendship or not.

On the other side from what I have ascertained over the last few weeks street parties are just that… a party for the street. If you don’t live in the street or aren’t related to someone in the street you are lucky to get an invite. The fact that they sent loads of invites out & the party got too big makes me think they maybe didn’t consider the safety or legal implications of more than just the street & some close family coming to the party. Maybe they were made to tone it down by the council & the choice of who could be invited was out of their hands; although I do see that other mutual friends were at the party in your post so it does seem unlikely unless those friends live in the street, are closely related to someone who does or live in a nearby street & they have combined street parties. It would be easier to manage one street party over two.

I’m going to a street party today, if the weather holds, but my partner lives on the street with his elderly mum so I am part of the family of someone on the street.

Again YANBU to feel like you’ve been left out but I also add that maybe their reason for cancelling was because the party did genuinely get too big for what they could safely allow for the street & they had to cut back numbers to those who live in the street & close relatives but as you have said that other mutual friends were at the party I’d wonder why I wasn’t invited too.
Maybe it was an oversight 😕
I’ve probably repeated myself but I’d just message & apologise for not seeing the party was back on.

@Roo4u on the basis of his choice re how to spend his 50th, I don’t suppose he put up much of a fight!

@Intrigueddotcom you’ve made odd comments and mostly negative throughout this thread! Have you ever heard the phrase, “if you’ve nothing nice to say …?”

OP lives in a small flat, so she’s not really in a position to reciprocate, is she?

Sometimes friendships are a bit one-sided in this way. I’m sure she’s shown generosity in other ways - we can’t all be the hostess.

Hmm. But if it’s all take and no give eventually the giver might get fed up.

I agree that it's tedious always being the host and if OP doesn't reciprocate ever then if cutting back on numbers one might prioritise guests who give back. There's another thread currently on people fed up with only getting to social events if they organise them.
However even if someone lives in a place unsuitable for hosting, or don't like hosting, they can still make an effort by suggesting outings or meet ups.
It may well be that OP does make the effort, we don't know. Either way it wasn't nice to be uninvited when the event went ahead after that.

This kind of things happen to my 8-9 yo daughter’s birthday party invitation and friendship politics all the time, perhaps we can learn from them.
Due to Covid, the parties are usually downsized, my daughter was always not invited from a few close friends ( but not closest), this was found out during casual chats, she was really upset and have been crying over this, cuz she has invited them before. I understood that’s because we haven’t been to their play dates for awhile due to covid, but we still have our closest friends (2 girls) that will always think of her first. No hard feelings and just move on my daughter still keeps herself opened to any play dates invitation, and she still has loads of friends.
In the old days, it’s etiquette for our parents to invite every single person they know in the office to wedding, but now, people think differently.
So don’t make it personal, and sometimes I hate FB, it’s creating all much social turmoils.
Finally, hug. It’s great you are thinking to reach out and stay positive.

I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt. She has not posted photos on social media, her DH and another guest did. She cancelled the party and had a change of heart.

I can't be arsed with passive aggressive or aggressive posts. I block and move on.

Parents, siblings, their partners and DC makes 25. Just my family and a few friends looks like a massive party.

I have a few cheeky relatives that would simply rock up if they thought something's was happening Lots of "where is my invite?" posts from people I don't see from one year to the next.If people want to take and share pics, I ask them to do it via WhatsApp.

Living in a small flat doesn’t mean you can’t reciprocate and must always be a perennial guest. One of our group booked a booth in a lovely fun venue and invited a group. Great time had by all. She initiated it /planned it /sorted it (single mother small flat).

I think Susan and David were rude. If they thought the party was getting too big and wanted to hold a smaller one they should have explained that was what was happening. I wouldn't say anything, but would drop the friendship - there are plenty of nicer people to have as friends.

good luck. If you can do it, dont dismiss your own feelings of hurt completely. I think it is ok to say that you're glad she had fun, but sad it wasn't big enough to include you. And that you want to repair things. Thats a very brave attitude you have - and as most other people have said, not something they would be willing to rise to. Wish you th best

I don't think it's ok to 'uninvite' people to a party anyway.
If something happens, you might need to cancel the whole event, but you can't just rethink the guest list!

This is aside from the actual point of the thread (I've commented in another tone upthread). The fact that it's a 'Jubilee' part is incidental, when someone's suffering the feelings of rejection caused by insensitive behaviour, with which I really sympathize.

But really. The pandemic and two years of lockdown have decimated the economy, especially the hospitality and tourist industries. The economy's shot. The UK's largest ferry operator has just sacked off its staff, and had ferries compounded in dock owing to dubious safety practices. The airports are in utter chaos. There's a war in Ukraine, global stability is compromised, and energy prices are through the roof. Society has rarely been more divided.

And a not small proportion of people have just spent four whole days in an ostentatious celebration of hereditary privilege.

Has the country lost its collective marbles?

The problem with Facebook is that it only tells one side of one person's story. So it is very easy to look for dire motive when in fact, the truth of any matter may be quite different. I suspect your friend rearranged a smaller party having realised the original event had got out of hand, numbers wise. Hence the original cancellation.

The consequence of this is that if the event is scaled down, fewer people will be invited to any subsequent party. Nobody wants to be left out and it is particularly horrible to discover this is the case via social media. But if any blame for anything exists in this case, it has to be the person who catalogues every aspect of their life on Facebook. Although in fairness to them, I doubt they realised it would leave those that were now uninvited feeling very left out. Take a dignified approach. Either 'like' the pictures or ignore them. Don't get into passive aggressive messages that make you look needy. Ultimately, say nothing but recognise you are no longer as close to this friend as you were.

Definitely do this!! She sounds like she either completely forgot to tell you, or is just a bitch.you deserve better friends! Xx

Yes, agree totally