Jubilee Party that wasn’t cancelled

[BullyBoss]

I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable here. I have a friend, call her Susan, not her real name. Susan and her husband David are very sociable. I’ve been friends with Susan for over 30 years and considered her a close friend once although we’ve not been so close for the last five ish, I’ve put this down to covid, etc.

I was chuffed to be invited to Susan and David’s platinum jubilee party as they do throw a good party. A few weeks later the party was cancelled on Facebook as it all got too big and they were going on holiday a few days later. No problem, I understood.

Today’s Facebook is full of pics of the very much happening jubilee party with lots of our joint friends attending.

I’m really hurt by this. I know she doesn’t have to invite me, it’s her choice but I haven’t done anything to upset her. The party is clearly still on but I was uninvited. AIBU? Be kind I don’t have a lot of friends and my mental health is shot to pieces at the moment (not due to this but this hasn’t helped).

This is an actual grown-up response.

I get that you're feeling really quite hurt, Op, and it sucks and I'm sorry, but I think @theobligatorynamechange is on the ball here.

This is awful. I'd comment underneath the post I thought it was cancelled. See what she says.

Whooosh!

Another vote for this response.

Don't do anything tonight. If you "Like" the posts it'll look sincere, same as when you like any other friend's photos of a night out or celebration.

If you comment "I thought it was cancelled" then you're just inviting the response "Ah yeah it had spiraled so we just cut it back to close family and friends" - ouch.

They changed their minds about hosting a big party, that's ok.

Oh and the posters not getting the work event joke must have been in an actual cave recently.

Could it be they cancelled the party as it got too big but had a small gathering. But then that got unintentionally bigger again.
However you will never know so I wouldn’t overthink it.

That is just horrible and very selfish of her to do that and I would find that so upsetting but let them off as now you know how selfish she is. Are you part of a couple as maybe if you are single she just wanted couples there as god knows some women think single women are going to pounce on their husbands or something. Stay off facebook as it will just upset you more and try to keep busy but I would say it to her and say it is very hurtful and leave it at that.

The thing is is that many people do not have a house large enough to host parties etc.
I regularly host get togethers because i have the time and space to do so …it doesn’t mean I only invite the friends who have been hosts. I know my friends well enough to not expect them all to reciprocate!
Seems to be a pretty shallow way of measuring the value of a friendship TBH .

Dignity, schmignity.
Killing with kindness is a lot more fun! 😉

Whether your friend has been rude, or just tactless, it was hurtful behavior. Instead of a quiet explanation to those who were left out, she and her husband chose to let you all find out from their posts.

I would have to send a poitely sarcastic, passive-agressive comment.

I'd:
*Like all the photos.
*Heart the best ones.
*Comment on the main post.
Something like "I'm so happy you were able to hold the party after all- looks like everyone's having fun! And thank you to you both for sharing the photos; it's almost like I'm there. 😍😘"

A genial sarcastic message and leave any response to her.🌹

I'd have expected everyone in the UK to get this. Seemingly, more are unaware than I'd realised. Sad state of affairs and it does partly explain the mess we're in.

"Intrigueddotcom
*Drama llama

op states* it was not a work event*

clearly that one poster misread"

I'd have expected everyone in the UK to get this. Seemingly, more are unaware than I'd realised. Sad state of affairs and it does partly explain the mess we're in.*

Indeed!

She probably made a technical error on FB and invited her entire friends list. Upon realisation of the error, she had to cancel and invite a reduced group

It was just really out of context. People know. How could we not.

I totally get why you are upset. I am guessing they decided they didn't want a big party so cancelled but went ahead wit closer friends and family. That is crap for you . You need to decide what you want this friendship to look like going forward. If you feel the friendship is over anyway then absolutely you can let her know you are hurt. If it's made you more aware of the drift then you could look to rebuilding the friendship and try to accept that it's likely her decision wasn't one of spite but rather she invited a specific social group and you are not in that group.

Bloody hell…. I have been so thick!!

Personally I'd have to call Susan out, I couldn't not at least make a comment, if not ask Susan why and if I'd done something offend her. I'd probably write a comment on their facebook posts "looks like a lovely party, too bad I was uninvited." And to Susan, I'd write on her facebook page, "looks like you had a lovely party there, that I was uninvited from. Have I done something to offend you? Or did you think I was a Republican? lol" I'd ease the question with a joke.

But in my experience, these things are best dealt with otherwise they stew and build up. The polite, subservient, ignore it so the perpetrator wins every single time habit of the British really, really needs to stop.

Oh OP, I think anyone would feel the same way as you do. Big hugs.

My initial thought was I bet they cancelled it, to allow a reset, then just invited people they're still close to.

Whilst it's shitty, I would try to reframe this, for your own sake. You appreciate you're no longer as close as you were. Is it possible youve withdrawn from them? Do you invite them out?

If it's just the party you're sad about, please don't be. It probably wasn't all that.

If it's the friendship, then I don't think all is lost. You acknowledge you've not been particularly close, maybe try to change that. Don't be passive aggressive like some have suggested you be, just move on and ask them out in a few weeks. Maybe out to dinner. See if you can rekindle a bit of fun together.

Stay positive OP, friendships are hard for lots of people, it's no reflection on you.

I've voted YANBU because I can imagine how much it hurt to see those photos.

Why on earth would you post photos after cancelling it???

I don't actually think they were being unreasonable to cancel it and then have a smaller party, but they should have been more thoughtful about the photos.

To get more presents?

@MountainClimber22 Some people live in a bloody world of their own and fail to see/ understand beyond their four walls at home. Then again where I am it's not common to have engagement parties. People their engagement and celebrate with families/friends but not in a formal way and there's zero expectations regarding gifts.
I agree with @Doginthewindow that it was to get more presents. Still, it was in poor taste to have people over who are good enough to be at the engagement party but not good enough for the free food at the wedding. I wonder whether all the people present at both events bought 2 gifts? I don't even know the social normal to this! Would you be expected to you gift twice, once? How much would you spend?

People *mark their engament! I'm bloody dyslexic these days but in my defense my ferritin's down to 4.

I got invited to a bbq recently, same as you wasn't expecting one but was pleased to get one.

I commented on it, asking if it was my dh as well, she private messaged me to say she'd invited the wrong Curly girl, so no we weren't invited! Thanks!

I would look at your comments and think “what a peculiar person”

the op would likely be totally baffled considering the op says that she and Susan had been drifting apart for 5 years

added to which, Susan post anything at all. Her husband her did.

they arranged a party. Got too big. Cancelled and then just had close friends and family around

you suggestion would simply result in the op and joint friends thinking that the op had lost the plot

so rather than stew
Your suggestion is to publicly comment on social media that you were uninvited

yes you were uninvited. To a large party.
It was then rescheduled on a smaller scale for close friends and family and given op says she and Susan had been drifting apart for last five years - not surprising

@MountainClimber22

MountainClimber22
You're not over sensitive it's hurtful. I was recently invited to friends small engagement party of around 20 people. I thought it was closest friends and family there. Was I wrong. I took a lovely gift and while there realised the wedding was all planned and invites had gone out but I'd not been invited. Another guest asked if I'd be at the hen party and I had to say no and I had not heard about it. We then all signed a picture that was going to do displayed at the wedding. The wedding I wasn't invited to. Left feeling like an absolute twat. Don't know why they invited me to the engagement party.

Their engagement party? And yet she’d already sent out wedding invites AND her hen party had been arranged and invites sent??

Thanks for all the comments. I haven’t posted anything on SM and Passive aggressive is not me. I’ll probably say nothing and perhaps contact her in a few weeks and see if she fancies meeting up for coffee. I’d like to rekindle the friendship as she’s a good person.