Jubilee Party that wasn’t cancelled

[BullyBoss]

I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable here. I have a friend, call her Susan, not her real name. Susan and her husband David are very sociable. I’ve been friends with Susan for over 30 years and considered her a close friend once although we’ve not been so close for the last five ish, I’ve put this down to covid, etc.

I was chuffed to be invited to Susan and David’s platinum jubilee party as they do throw a good party. A few weeks later the party was cancelled on Facebook as it all got too big and they were going on holiday a few days later. No problem, I understood.

Today’s Facebook is full of pics of the very much happening jubilee party with lots of our joint friends attending.

I’m really hurt by this. I know she doesn’t have to invite me, it’s her choice but I haven’t done anything to upset her. The party is clearly still on but I was uninvited. AIBU? Be kind I don’t have a lot of friends and my mental health is shot to pieces at the moment (not due to this but this hasn’t helped).

I’m going to be slightly controversial here.
How much do you give back ? Do you host these guys? If the answer is no then I do get why you are not invited. I have changed so much over these past couple of years and I’m treating people as they treat me and that includes the endless hospitality friends of mine have taken from me and never reciprocated.
If this is not the case I feel very sad and sorry for you and sadly the friendship has come up an end.

You poor thing that must have really hurt seeing the pics. I wouldn’t comment anything. She knows what she’s done. Rise above it. Plus, she sounds a bit rubbish to invite people to a party, cancel it, then splash pics over social media of said party??? Do you really want someone that insensitive in your life? It’s hard when they are fun and have been your friend for a long time. But, when a ‘friend’ leaves your life, it makes room for new ones. Sending you my best wishes xxx

YANBU - it really hurts when you get left out of stuff. I’ve just seen pics of my two sisters at the platinum jubilee party in London. Have also found out they are spending the day together with their families tomorrow. Ive not been invited to either or asked if I was interested in going (my eldest son has but he does a lot with my BIL) We live around 10 miles away 🤷‍♀️

Exactly what you said

Regardlesa of her answer i'd let her 'friendship' go. What a nasty person

It’s pretty nasty of them to cancel it on Facebook, tell a few people it’s back on and then post pics of the preparation and party on Facebook where all the uninvited can see it. Are you sure you haven’t missed a post?

Well it’s not actually clear that it was a false excuse are we?

we are only getting the OP’s side of things and without the OP speaking to “Susan” and hearing what she has to say “Susan” is coming under a lot of fire for what is essentially assumptions.

if it bothers the OP that much then maybe she should say directly to Susan “you know I was looking forward to the party and was disappointed when you cancelled it and more so when I realised you’d decided to go ahead and not let me know or re-invite me”

also different people have different definitions of what being “close” is. The OP and Susan clearly do. It’s horrible to feel that maybe you are surplus to requirements in a friendship and possibly confirmation that that particular friendship is on its way out and as the OP is feeling low due to mental health issues that will be impacting on how the OP is perceiving the whole thing.

Maybe Susan just forgot to re invite or did know but is just a bit thoughtless? I would always assume mistake before malice. People aren’t perfect and sometimes don’t realise the consequences of their actions.

So sorry. That’s hurtful.
Can you not post on FB: ‘ Hi. I though this party was cancelled? I didn’t hear that it had been reinstated. ‘
DON’T add any passive aggressive remarks like ‘ I hope you all had a nice time’ or ‘thanks for telling me’
Then have a clear out of so-called friends -block, delete, ignore and get on with the rest of your life.
good luck x

Wonders if a lot of people have missed the fact Susan herself haven’t posted the pictures online and there is no proof that only op was not invited to this smaller party.

That’s horrible! I’ll be your friend op! What a knobhead

Best thing you can do. Xx I hope it all works out for you.

Some friend if that's the case. Are you sure it's the same party? She might have been invited to one so decided to cancel her own. Surely if she had uninvited people change her settings so you couldn't see the pictures.

Something similar happened to me a few years ago. My step mother, who has been pretty awful to me over the years, lied to me about not arranging anything special for my dad’s 60th birthday. I asked her outright if she was planning anything and she said “no, he doesn’t want any fuss”.

Fast forward 2 weeks and I wake up on a Sunday morning to pictures on Facebook of a big (around 100 people) birthday party at an expensive hotel in town. Her two daughters and their partners were there. Neither I, nor my lovely Aunt (dad’s sister) were invited (I’m an only child). The do even made it into the local papers (he is a prominent businessman).

I was beyond hurt. I found out later that formal invitations had already been sent out by the time I had asked her if anything was planned - so it was all arranged and she lied to my face. Still makes me feel like crying when I think about it after all this time, it was just another example of a lifetime of rejection by my father and outright nastiness by my step mother.

I’m sorry this happened to you op, it’s a horrible feeling to be rejected. Trust me, it’s not you, it’s her!

It is and if she didn't want it to get that big why post it on Facebook? You would set up a group chat and invite the friends you do want to come but have them all make a contribution in some way. Lesson learnt obviously.

Just leave it at that. If she wants to know why you dropped her as a friend, then you can tell her.

Nobody likes to the person whose left out.

During the last five years I’ve had a long look at who are friends and who are acquaintances and find myself a lot less disappointed/upset by having this clearer in my own mind.

Hope you feel less upset soon.

YANBU. It’s awful when people exclude others. Don’t waste any more time on them xx

Sounds like bait to me. Don’t show anger but do go no contact

Why are people in here so nice/pa.

Id post ‘thanks for uninviting me and then going ahead and pasting all over fb - I thought we were friends’.

Then find better friends x

Excellent way forward. Good on you.

I hope you can rekindle the friendship. My experience is that since Covid, people are generally happy to rebuild friendships with people they've drifted away from, because they get that things have been very weird in the last couple of years, and life's too short.

I would go onto Facebook and press like and put a comment saying fabulous party 🎉 and then block her and delete her number from your phone. This is not a friend.

That is very unkind of her, if it was intentional. If she cancelled it for various reasons via facebook, how do you know if she re-invited you but you didn't see it?

@ScottishBeeswax was making a joke about the government’s recent excuses about lockdown parties.

And according to some posters, the fact that not everyone got this immediately, even though the thread has nothing to do with lockdown events or the government, is a sign that the country is going to hell in a handcart. Not an overreaction at ALL.

I’m so sorry this has happened . Similar thing happened to me a few years ago and I sat on it as I didn’t want to seem petty . A mutual friend of ours suggested to my friend that I was hurt and it all pretty much blew up from there really. 31 year friendship over; her response was ‘i forgot to invite you’ ( I’d seen her the day before and had asked if she had any plans for the special day) , apparently organising a party for 30/40 ppl must have slipped her mind . It was there and then that I decided that her actions had shown me exactly what she thought of our friendship . It hurt a lot but the way she felt was always there , I just was blind to it. Perhaps try and look at it like that with your friend .the reality is hurtful but no way as painful as lying to yourself and believing it’s a genuine friendship . I hope your are OK X

Don't say anything unless and until she invites you to another party. Then, you can ask her why she invited and then disinvited you to THIS one. At that time, you can let her know how you feel right now, if you are still hurting, and you are entitled not to believe her explanation if it sounds fishy.
Otherwise, it probably is best not to say anything now. If she disinvited you on purpose, it will only let her know that she succeeded in hurting your feelings. If it was just a casual mixup, then it shows that she doesn't value your relationship with her very much. In either case, it will probably sound whiney and weak.
Just brush her off. She's not a real friend, and it's best to know that, even though it hurts.
Of course, if she really values your friendship, she will talk to you sooner rather than later and explain what happened without your asking. If she's a real friend, she will know (or understand) that you've been hurting, and she will take the initiative to explain what happened and repair the damage to your self-esteem. But she sounds like someone who doesn't have really deep feelings about people.