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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what this means-fwb?

386 replies

SunflowerEvie · 03/06/2022 11:20

Hi all,

I am currently in a friends with benefits type of situation. I am due to go over to his house tonight but I started my period this morning. I have told him that it has started and his response is ‘it’s not all about the sex baby, we can do other stuff you know’

Does this mean he sees this more than a sexual relationship? I really was not expecting that response from him. I thought he would want to rearrange but I’m actually pleasantly surprised.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 05/06/2022 20:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I hope your comment is aimed at the man in this situation and not the OP ….

oakleaffy · 05/06/2022 20:17

@SunflowerEvie
''Beware!'' ...Your own inner Guide is telling you this.

I was involved with someone similar to this, Who acted this way, who called me a FWB who at a vulnerable time I developed feelings for ..I told him, and he was so cold about it.
I'm not geared up to just have a FWB without feelings.

He was unfaithful, and I decided to sever all contact when he came wheedling back.

It took me months to get over it, emotionally, as I too had ignored those little ''inner voice'' warnings, overriding them by thinking ''But we chat for hours on the phone every night''..As if that made it right.

Other people warned me away from him, and in retrospect they were absolutely right.

He was nothing but an egotistical user.

IF you can handle being used, hurt and likely cheated on, carry on, but I think you are more looking for a proper supportive relationship that he isn't wanting to give you.

You deserve far more.

fUNNYfACE36 · 05/06/2022 20:30

The thing is the OP signed up to a FWB agreement which is what she is getting, so i don't think you can really blame the man that she now wants more.I find the whole thing quite sickening to be fair. I would far rather not be in a relationship than scramble for these crumbs of affection a man tosses your way.
Women dabble in sex looking for romance
Men dabble in romance looking for sex

HousePlantLandlord · 05/06/2022 20:32

He sounds like such a terrible stereotype and quite gross.

I hope you find the willpower to step away. You won’t meet someone deserving until you too.

Also, we’ve all been there. It’s really hard to break away from these types of limbo situations. You can do it.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/06/2022 20:43

Oh, love....the more you let this cycle continue, the worse you will feel.
He's using you and you keep going back for more, and all it does is make you feel crap afterwards.

There are decent men out there who will care about you and not simply use you for sex.

Please cut him out of your life.

TheMarzipanDildo · 05/06/2022 21:00

I’m sorry OP Sad I was one of the optimists earlier on the thread but he sounds like a knob

Squiff70 · 05/06/2022 21:03

@SunflowerEvie and@Bozlem80

These men are blatantly using you for their own selfish gains. Please please PLEASE don't allow yourselves to be treated so badly. Liberate yourselves. These utter tossers are not worthy of your time, company or affection and you are both degrading yourselves for their satisfaction. You are holding out hope for something more than they will ever be prepared to give you. I promise you there are loving, decent men out there who are ready and willing to show you the love and respect you both deserve.

Please see this for what it is and not what you want it to be.

flipper97 · 05/06/2022 21:28

FWB. Wale up ladies. It’s not liberating it’s fucking toxic.

Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 05/06/2022 21:48

I haven’t text him to say I can’t carry on with this anymore but I have told him that it’s making me feel shit but in different words. He just turned it on him saying that his back is bad and that he is in bed. It hurts that he doesn’t care about how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 05/06/2022 21:52

Whilst still calling me baby girl in the message!!!

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 05/06/2022 21:53

So do something about @SunflowerEvie

This is your life. Your choice.

BajaBaja · 05/06/2022 21:55

He sounds like bad news. It’s still early days and you can just walk away. It might hurt for a bit but it’s definitely a better option than to hang around, he’ll never be able to treat you like you deserve. He clearly has issues with communication, commitment and respect. :(

SunflowerGardens · 05/06/2022 21:57

SunflowerEvie · 05/06/2022 21:48

I haven’t text him to say I can’t carry on with this anymore but I have told him that it’s making me feel shit but in different words. He just turned it on him saying that his back is bad and that he is in bed. It hurts that he doesn’t care about how I feel

Just block him. The baby girl thing is creepy and disgusting.

Bozlem80 · 05/06/2022 21:57

@Squiff70

I think in my case it’s a fact I’m terribly lonely, came out of a very long relationship & suppose I want the feeling of being wanted, he stopped over Friday night, then had to go mid morning yesterday, had one msg from him that’s it since then but I know he will be showering me with messages when he wants to see me again, I don’t really have any friends in fact this weekend apart from seeing him I’ve seen absolutely nobody else, if I don’t see him I see nobody outside of work.

I’ve blocked him time & time again, he will leave voicemails (even though blocked) he will call me on no caller ID, he will email me etc….

I just don’t know what to do, in my mind I’m not getting any younger & suppose feel a bit of resentment my ex has moved on with someone else & I’m left on the shelf to me it’s embarrassing that I’m not good enough to be loved & this man turns up & we have fun but then it’s back to reality once he goes home.

AWOL66 · 05/06/2022 21:58

FWB = "friends" without boundaries.

Being sucked into this scenario is very common as some men say everything you want to hear.

Give him what he deserves - absolutely nothing!

MistyGreenAndBlue · 05/06/2022 22:17

Baby girl? sex dungeon? greeting you with his cock out? I couldn't take this idiot seriously at all.
What a total tit. I mean really? The ick factor is off the scale here.
Come on girl. Upgrade. Get a fucking cat. 😂

Seriously though, look at him dispassionately. He's no kind of catch at all. You're losing nothing by ditching him. He's depressing. You can do better. You deserve better x

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/06/2022 22:26

Turn it around OP. Message him to say you;ve thought it over and realised this isn;t what you want. Being FWB with him has helped you see you are now ready to move on and have a proper relationship, so thanks for the memories and you hope he finds a rep;acement soon.

That makes it sound like you used him emotionally to discover what you want (maybe in a way you did) and that now you know what it is, you are ditching him to leave yourself free to find it. That puts you firmly in a position of power and control in thsi relationship and in your own life. It;s just a reframing of what you are actually doing. You have learned from this transitional relationship what you really want. No shame in that.

Finlandia · 05/06/2022 22:30

Sweetheart, as someone who has been there and done that and got the t shirt…. Remember that his estimation of you is not right. You are worth so much more than this. You won’t believe me but just pretend that you do. It hurts like hell now but I promise you in 6 months you’ll be relieved to have got out. You can do this - you’re stronger than you know

NosyJosie · 05/06/2022 22:38

The is absolutely no reason for any woman to NOT enter into a FWB situation if that is what she knows she is doing and she’s ok with it. But that needs to be clear from the start for all involved.

Starting as FWBs and then thinking it will, can or should evolve into romance is probably a bad idea, not impossible but unlikely. It’s more likely that someone will catch feelings and the other not and then you find yourself analysing each text and word.

The world is full of people who have married friends without benefits who are screwing around so really don’t see the problem with two consenting adults having a FWB situation.

Good luck

deckthewall · 05/06/2022 22:41

SunflowerEvie · 03/06/2022 11:20

Hi all,

I am currently in a friends with benefits type of situation. I am due to go over to his house tonight but I started my period this morning. I have told him that it has started and his response is ‘it’s not all about the sex baby, we can do other stuff you know’

Does this mean he sees this more than a sexual relationship? I really was not expecting that response from him. I thought he would want to rearrange but I’m actually pleasantly surprised.

Totally unsurprised that the punchline to this thread was that he was sitting there with his cock out when you arrived.

OP I wouldn't bother with a text just ghost him, he's vile.

MadeForThis · 05/06/2022 22:43

You won't meet someone who makes you happy if you are wasting your time on him.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 05/06/2022 22:44

I think you’re grasping at straws here

kimblerk · 05/06/2022 23:08

At first your posts about this man made me feel sick because he’s so disgustingly cringe and then I got more and more angry. What a DICKHEAD. Walk away from this and hold your head up

ValerieCupcake · 05/06/2022 23:09

fUNNYfACE36 · 05/06/2022 20:30

The thing is the OP signed up to a FWB agreement which is what she is getting, so i don't think you can really blame the man that she now wants more.I find the whole thing quite sickening to be fair. I would far rather not be in a relationship than scramble for these crumbs of affection a man tosses your way.
Women dabble in sex looking for romance
Men dabble in romance looking for sex

This is a brilliant post.

ValerieCupcake · 05/06/2022 23:15

coconutplum · 04/06/2022 08:42

Try not to feel terrible about yourself and be kind instead, though I know it's easier said than done.

You've always been, and are now, enough. But it sounds like you really struggle with setting boundaries (you wouldn't be alone). The reasons for this are often more complex than it looks on the surface. Sometimes we don't learn how to set boundaries for ourselves when we're younger because of how we're treated, our environment, past abusive relationships or even just because the people meant to teach us how to do this never learnt how to do it themselves. It's not our fault. When our boundaries are like that, it can be really hard to see that people are using us, especially if they're good manipulators who know how to identify our weak spots. Think of it as a miscalibrated compass rather than being "naive" or some other judgemental term.

If you can yet it, therapy can be so useful to dig into your individual reasons for this and to help you learn how to set boundaries. Listening to your emotions (feeling used, disrespected etc.) is a huge part of that. But feels very alien if you're not used to it.

Definitely end it with him, he sounds selfish, manipulative and like he doesn't value you as a person and he gives me the creeps. You deserve so much better. But please don't beat yourself up for being here because it really isn't always obvious at the start of this kind of situation. You really are enough already and nobody can take that from you. You just need to learn to see it again.

You could have written this post about me. I have had some good insights over the last 18 months or so. I have learned more about boundaries in that time than all the 45 years. I made the same mistakes. But I kept making them over and over. Instead of walking away and setting a boundary. @SunflowerEvie please don't be me, Evie. End it and think of YOU.

Be like the sunflower
Brave, bright, bold, cheery
Be golden and shine
Keep your roots strong
Your head held high
Your face to the sun
And the shadows will fall behind you

And so will this waste of time man, too.