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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what this means-fwb?

386 replies

SunflowerEvie · 03/06/2022 11:20

Hi all,

I am currently in a friends with benefits type of situation. I am due to go over to his house tonight but I started my period this morning. I have told him that it has started and his response is ‘it’s not all about the sex baby, we can do other stuff you know’

Does this mean he sees this more than a sexual relationship? I really was not expecting that response from him. I thought he would want to rearrange but I’m actually pleasantly surprised.

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 04/06/2022 12:51

@worriedandannoyed the place he lived didn't begin with S, but my experience was some years ago. He would be mid fifties now, never married, no children. I ended up joining Fab Swingers (didn't meet anyone, thankfully), no offence to anyone on it but it's definitely outside my comfort zone, in my eagerness to impress ....

Aw @SunflowerEvie I really feel for you; it's horrible. Honestly, I felt so much better once I had it clear in my head that all I was doing to myself was eroding my own self esteem, each time I saw him. I was so intent on playing it cool, so hyped when I saw him (and like you, the sex was great and he aimed to please) yet so utterly flat when I left. I felt that I was lying to myself in pretending that everything was ok, and in the end my head was really messed up with it all.

Giraffe888 · 04/06/2022 12:58

Just reading your thread has made me feel so sad for you. Please end this and put yourself first x

LondonQueen · 04/06/2022 13:03

Hope all is okay OP, ignore any messages from him for now and tell him when you have the courage.

Vikinga · 04/06/2022 13:03

Hi op. What you're feeling is natural but this man isn't for you. He is using you and carrying on with him will hurt your feelings and make you feel shit about yourself.

Be with someone who thinks you're amazing.

whynotwhatknot · 04/06/2022 13:07

So you never actually discussed what this was-he said he might want a relationship

you need to know either way-if hes serious about you he'll commit

Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 13:11

I feel ridiculous because he even told me what he likes women to wear
‘Vintage style summer dresses’ and I spent money to get some to please him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 13:16

@HuntingoftheSnark thank you. That describes exactly how I feel in the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 13:27

Thank you all for being supportive!

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 04/06/2022 13:33

SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 13:11

I feel ridiculous because he even told me what he likes women to wear
‘Vintage style summer dresses’ and I spent money to get some to please him.

On the plus side, at least they sound nice and you'll be able to wear them again. My similar experience included investment (luckily only the cheap type, he wasn't fussy) in fetish/bondage rubber stuff. Honestly, cut yourself some slack - it's horribly easy to fall into, even when you've been happily single, independent and fulfilled for years - and you're versed in red flags etc. Good luck with extricating yourself and keep posting if you need support and encouragement.

Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 13:53

@HuntingoftheSnark yes that’s true. He is also into bdsm. Him being dominant, he as a full ‘play room’ dedicated to it

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 13:54

@HuntingoftheSnark both of these men sound so similar!

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 15:23

i feel like I can’t bring myself to message him. I don’t know why but I keep thinking I want to see him again it’s hurting

OP posts:
Blueskylightnight · 04/06/2022 15:27

@notanothertakeaway

but also because I think one party is usually taking advantage of the other

This is interesting. Could you explain your views on why you feel one party is usually taking advantage of the other?

I was actually having this conversation with a friend recently (not a FWB).

AcrossthePond55 · 04/06/2022 15:40

SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 15:23

i feel like I can’t bring myself to message him. I don’t know why but I keep thinking I want to see him again it’s hurting

Your feeling is completely normal, love. You had 'hopes' and you're faced with letting them go with nothing right away to replace them. Letting them go is the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

It's like the high dive at a pool. You look over the edge at the inviting water and you want to be there so bad but you just don't seem to be able to jump. But eventually you do take yourself in hand and you close your eyes, hold your breath, and step off. There's a moment of panic but then you hit the wonderful cool water and you KNOW you did the right thing despite your fear. Then you start floating around the water or swimming laps and you know you are in the right place!

Take that leap off the high dive. Send the text, then delete his number. And consider getting into counseling to help build your self esteem and to figure out why you might have gotten into a relationship that wasn't right for you.

CPL593H · 04/06/2022 15:52

As someone who is older, it scares and upsets me that so many women seem to be having their boundaries pushed beyond what is normal or acceptable to most people and are expected to be grateful for it.

OP, tell the Poundland Christian Grey to get stuffed and block him. You deserve better and untangled from this will have a chance of finding it.

madasawethen · 04/06/2022 15:53

The other posters have given great messages to send to him.

The feeling is the hormones from the sex. Try to fill up the week and weekend with other things to do especially on evenings when you woukd usually meet up.

Delete and block him on everything after you send the text. You can post here any time you feel like contacting him.
It'll take a little bit but those feelings will wear off.
You deserve much better.
FlowersFlowers

Kertrats · 04/06/2022 15:59

What you must remember here as well is that women tend to not be like men.
You see because we tend to be more fussy in picking sexual partners we assume that they are too.
Women project how they feel onto men-so if a man wants sex with them they must be special.
No. Not at all.
They aren't fussy. Sad but true.
A jollyish woman who demands nothing of them is good enough.
This does not mean to say he has any romantic/emotional bond to her at all.

You can take it as read that if a man mentions fwb the spark is not there for him.

Robin233 · 04/06/2022 16:05

You need to protect your heart.
I learnt to keep men at arms length until I was sure of their feelings.
It meant walking away sometimes

notanothertakeaway · 04/06/2022 16:19

Blueskylightnight · 04/06/2022 15:27

@notanothertakeaway

but also because I think one party is usually taking advantage of the other

This is interesting. Could you explain your views on why you feel one party is usually taking advantage of the other?

I was actually having this conversation with a friend recently (not a FWB).

@Blueskylightnight I just think that, usually, one party is looking for no strings sex and taking advantage of the other who is lacking confidence and / or looking for a relationship

AcrossthePond55 · 04/06/2022 16:25

Kertrats · 04/06/2022 15:59

What you must remember here as well is that women tend to not be like men.
You see because we tend to be more fussy in picking sexual partners we assume that they are too.
Women project how they feel onto men-so if a man wants sex with them they must be special.
No. Not at all.
They aren't fussy. Sad but true.
A jollyish woman who demands nothing of them is good enough.
This does not mean to say he has any romantic/emotional bond to her at all.

You can take it as read that if a man mentions fwb the spark is not there for him.

"Women project how they feel onto men-so if a man wants sex with them they must be special.

No. Not at all."

I was given a bit of wisdom decades ago and I found it to be mostly true:

Women use sex to get love
Men use love to get sex

I don't think women 'use' sex to get love per se, but I do think that many women 'give' sex thinking they'll get love. Or that having sex (as you say) means that there is love, or at least a 'promise' of love, on the man's part.

But the vast majority of men definitely use 'love' to get sex. From out and out lying saying 'I love you' meaning nothing of the kind to 'future faking' implying there is something there that is not. I'm not saying there are NO men out there with sexual 'scruples', but they're a pretty rare bird.

There's nothing inherently wrong with 'sex for sex's sake' for either men or women as long as both of them have the same mindset. But in my long life I've found that to be pretty rare, and it's usually the woman who ends up getting hurt.

ballsdeep · 04/06/2022 17:34

SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 13:53

@HuntingoftheSnark yes that’s true. He is also into bdsm. Him being dominant, he as a full ‘play room’ dedicated to it

It gets worse!!!! The baby and res room of pain are giivng me fifty shades vibes.

Sack him off op. No one needs to see him fiddling with his old boy when they walk into the room.

Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 17:46

@ballsdeep yes basically he keeps calling me his baby girl and baby!! And ‘missy’ is another one he refers to me as ‘little’too!

ive not sent the text yet but I will do when I feel ready to do so.

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 04/06/2022 17:48

SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 15:23

i feel like I can’t bring myself to message him. I don’t know why but I keep thinking I want to see him again it’s hurting

@SunflowerEvie I really understand and relate to the way you feel. I put it off for longer than I should have done, but the last couple of times were truly soul destroying because I knew how it had to go, he knew how I felt, I felt wretched that he knew and didn't feel the same. I'd been in recovery (AA) for some years at this point and I had to see him as a kind of addiction - doing me no good at all, but still very hard to let go. Take it a day at a time, or even an hour at a time at first. Speak to friends, make plans, do things that you really enjoy. It gets easier and the first few days are the worst.

Bdragon · 04/06/2022 17:56

OP I can empathise. I was in a similar sort of situation years ago. I was very passive and really didn't know how to voice my feelings.

Finally, one day, mid-deed, I said 'I don't want to do this any more, it's depressing', got up and walked out. It was such a weight off my shoulders - I had put up with a lot of disrespect because I really wanted the affection.

You'll feel much better as soon as you ditch him.

MayBeee · 04/06/2022 18:42

@Bdragon

I love that ! How empowered you were . Brilliant.