To wonder what this means-fwb?

[SunflowerEvie]

Hi all,

I am currently in a friends with benefits type of situation. I am due to go over to his house tonight but I started my period this morning. I have told him that it has started and his response is ‘it’s not all about the sex baby, we can do other stuff you know’

Does this mean he sees this more than a sexual relationship? I really was not expecting that response from him. I thought he would want to rearrange but I’m actually pleasantly surprised.

Hi all. Thank you for your kind words. I feel terrible about myself and really sick this morning. I need to find the strength to walk away from this situation.

You are deserving of so much more. Be brave. Remove him from your life and make room for someone who will treat you with kindness and respect.

You can walk away

when you decline his offer you will feel better about yourself

Aah, sweetheart, don’t feel bad about yourself - it’s not you that’s terrible, it’s the situation, which is far from ‘fwb’. He’s not your friend, and the only benefit here is to him.

He’s a manipulative arsehole - he totally sees and understands your vulnerability and is using you, and each interaction with him seems to make you feel sad and worthless. You’re not worthless, and you need to love and value yourself more than this. You deserve someone who treats you with kindness and respect, you deserve better and should expect a fuck of a lot more than this.

Try and find the strength to cut this off dead, right now, today. Give yourself a bit of breathing space to decide what you want, to feel better about yourself and get to a place where you feel more able to set a higher bar in your next relationship.

Would you like us to help you composing a light hearted text message that will end it but also leave you not feeling awkward to bump into him?

Try not to feel terrible about yourself and be kind instead, though I know it's easier said than done.

You've always been, and are now, enough. But it sounds like you really struggle with setting boundaries (you wouldn't be alone). The reasons for this are often more complex than it looks on the surface. Sometimes we don't learn how to set boundaries for ourselves when we're younger because of how we're treated, our environment, past abusive relationships or even just because the people meant to teach us how to do this never learnt how to do it themselves. It's not our fault. When our boundaries are like that, it can be really hard to see that people are using us, especially if they're good manipulators who know how to identify our weak spots. Think of it as a miscalibrated compass rather than being "naive" or some other judgemental term.

If you can yet it, therapy can be so useful to dig into your individual reasons for this and to help you learn how to set boundaries. Listening to your emotions (feeling used, disrespected etc.) is a huge part of that. But feels very alien if you're not used to it.

Definitely end it with him, he sounds selfish, manipulative and like he doesn't value you as a person and he gives me the creeps. You deserve so much better. But please don't beat yourself up for being here because it really isn't always obvious at the start of this kind of situation. You really are enough already and nobody can take that from you. You just need to learn to see it again.

Ewugh. Can you picture him as a father to your children??

^I have had terrible experience in a past relationship and he left me thinking I would never be good enough for anybody
^

But you are better then this my darling @SunflowerEvie

Feeling sick and terrible should tell you that actually there is nothing to walk away from. He offers nothing with regards to a happy, meaningful relationship.

In true mumsnet style, please give your head a serious wobble today and realise you are worth far, far more.
Life is just too short.

It sounds like you want a partner, a boyfriend, not a FWB. But as long as you carry on seeing him, you won't find what you really want because your heart won't be in looking for someone else. So Mr "Wrong, but convenient for physical company" is getting in the way of you finding Mr Right.

When I had a FWB, it was because I was still emotionally wounded from divorce and couldn't bear the idea of commitment or of a man having any say over any aspect of my life. The thought of having a boyfriend made me feel panicky. That's an example of a situation where FWB can be in a woman's interest. As I recovered, I wanted more, and now I take it as a sign of better emotional wellbeing that I want, and have, a normal relationship.

So, rather than feel you've been daft, how about saying well done to yourself for being ready to move on from a physical - only relationship, and recognising that now you want something more conventional?

The part of the brain that feels love/ feelings/ madly fancying someone is the same part that is activated by drug addiction. Your feelings towards this man give you the same hit as drugs which is why you keep going back. You need to go cold turkey with this.End it with him in whatever way you want and then keep away. It's difficult as you live in the same street but it will get easier each day. He isn't the man for you. You deserve so much more.

That's what I thought too. The 'baby' gave the message a sleazy vibe. I'd reply saying "Such as...?"

@SunflowerEvie Hi Evie, going back to your original arrangement, what was agreed? Did you talk about the reasons that FWB was going to work out better than a relationship? Just wondering if it might be worth revisiting that conversation to see if that’s still the case for him or if he would be interested in more of a relationship? If he isn’t interested in a relationship at least it would be easier for you to walk away knowing you had explored the possibility?

Just send him a text ending it, tell him you feel things need to come to a end now, it was fun at the start but now isn’t, wish him well and then block him.

FWB can work but rarely does, I have read a lot about FWB and no strings sex and most people just can’t do it, sex releases hormones which stupidly gives us feeling for the person we are doing it with, some can block those feeling but most can’t. I have had several FWB, a couple I have fallen for even though they haven’t had great personalities. My last FWB fell for me despite me laying my cards on the table early on, eventually he blocked me and vanished.

Just ditch him, don’t let him know you have feelings for him, just tell him it’s not working and block. There will be other men, ones that treat you with respect.

Thanks all. We didn’t really discuss it beforehand but by what he was saying he did imply he was looking for a relationship and that he wanted to see how things went.

I can't stand these fwb arrangements.
I'm no prude but more often or not the women develops feelings while the guy strings them along.
Yes I realise there are exceptions but this is the rule.
The torture of knowing he can have sex with another woman and you're supposed to be OK with it.
It's a big con.
Yes I realise women want sex but it's not worth it.
No man ever falls for a woman he's just mates with. He could have sex with her a hundred times - this is irrelevant as to whether he falls for her or not.

Friendship and sex do not bring about emotional/romantic attraction in a man.
These feelings are there from the start or never will be.

And a man will make it quite clear if he wants more.
To put it bluntly,
You will know without asking strangers on mn.

I think you'll start to feel SO much better once you've ended this with him.

You need a text to send which leaves you comfortable still bumping into him in the corner shop or whatever.

Once you've got a text you're comfortable sending it will just need you to be bold and confident enough to send it.

OK - one step at a time - lets compose the text ....

Borrowing from SlightlyJaded's text upthread:

''Hi [FWB name]''
"Had fun last tonight, but just so you know, I am starting to think the FWB situation is running its course for me. I've enjoyed being with you so i hope we can call it a day with no hard feelings :)''

You can add stuff about the film/s or whatever to be a bit more conversational maybe if that feels right, but something like that?

Thank you. Feeling super anxious and on edge today. I will send the text, thank you both for the text. @SlightlyJaded @Laiste

Have just ended something with someone from Kent who's name begins with j... for the same reasons. He also tried to push things on me I wasn't comfortable with. Where in Kent - a town beginning S??

I feel so down today

@SunflowerEvie Try to relax - it's fine. You're allowed to end relationships for any reason and you're not ending on a bad note as far as he's concerned.

I'm glad that you can see that you deserve better than this and that this situation is ruining your self esteem 🙁It's a really good start to moving onwards and upwards now 😊 Let us know how you get on.

@Kertrats I agree with you

I'm no fan of FWB. Mainly because I think sex should be more special, but also because I think one party is usually taking advantage of the other

It’s not working for you now, is it? That’s the reality here. It was, but now it isn’t.

Been there, done it & it took YEARS for me to recover from. I got beaten down emotionally so much, a therapist basically told me to dump him because I was a viable person, not to stay with him to because he made me temporarily feel viable. That was the crux of it.

Course you feel down. In your head it’s the end of a relationship, albeit a one sided relationship. You had feeling for him, it’s going to hurt, but you do need to rip that plaster off!