To let upset DS put himself to bed

[llibrollibre]

DS (nearly 8) has been faffing about all evening instead of getting ready for bed. It seems to be happening more and more. It got to the point tonight where DH and I both ended up shouting at him out of sheer frustration (and probably hunger - DH and I were planning to eat dinner together after said child was in bed) which led to him bursting into tears and saying he hates us etc.

Usually we read a couple stories with DS then sing a few songs, then leave the room. Tonight we've had enough and just told him to put himself to bed.

AIBU to have done this? It feels really cruel but I don't think either of us could have happily put him to bed. 😫We spent all day together though so it's not like we haven't had time together.

Seems a very early bedtime for his age during half term and a bank holiday weekend.

I know you said he wakes up early but I’d try working on getting him to go downstairs on his own and put the TV on, not disturbing you.

I think it's quite sad that posters are eye rolling at the idea of reading to an 8 year old.

I wonder what they would make of teachers reading to their classes in year 6...

There's a load of drama on this thread, no wonder children are less resilient these days. Presumably he has a bedroom and wasn't being sent somewhere to be tortured- okay shouting isn't ideal, but it sounds like there'd been a nice day together and every other night is a nice bedtime routine. One night of being asked to go up to bed at a reasonable time isn't going to cause any lasting damage.

Well this went well. Bet you're so glad you started this thread @llibrollibre

FWIW, I have been awake since 5am as one of my DC sent me a load of noisy very drunken Snapchats (at 5am!!!) of her and her mates drinking cocktails - unfortunately my phone was connected to Alexa so the music blasted out into the bedroom too I sometimes yearn for the days of putting them to bed and reading stories then I remember what a fucking nightmare it could be

My top tip FWIW is, even if you read a different story every night, have a few you repeat again and again as that's what they remember. If it makes you feel any better, my eldest DC's favourite was (I swear this is true, oh the irony) When Mum turned into a monster.

I'll probably get a load of judgment about my DCs getting drunk now but I think everyone should chill a bit and have a more positive, less fighty day, not just with their DC but on MN! I'm off to text my DD back and hopefully wake her up

I remember what it was like to cry myself to sleep because my parents had been shouting at me. I will never ever do that to my children. I don't care how annoying or naughty they've been or slow to get ready for bed. They're getting their story and songs until they tell me they don't want them anymore.

I have an 8 year old, I read her one story or she reads to me. Why are you reading several stories and singing? That’s enough to wake him up. Occasionally my daughter messes about at bed time, getting up etc. I don’t go and put her to bed again,that’s on her for getting up. I don’t think you’re being harsh at all, he was warned, he probably won’t do it again. I can’t say if it’s too early or not as i couldn’t see what time you are putting him to bed.

The problem isn't the child getting to sleep once in bed, the problem is getting him to bed in the first place. Reading a story doesn't wake a child up, it's a lovely calm way to end the day.

@Pinkflipflop85 I don't think it was 'reading' that most people were reacting to, more the 'couple of stories & sing'. Most 7 year olds have moved onto chapter books or at least moved past the type of books you can read 'a couple of stories' at bedtime & it's very unusual to be singing to a 7 yo at bed time.

Give the OP posted at 8:30 AFTER all this had happened, one wonders what time he's expected to go to bed/sleep.

bed at 7:30, lights out at 8 seems reasonable at 7 to me, but it must be earlier than this, which seems very early for a 7 yo unless he's down the mines early in the mornings!

No judgment from me. Those stories were worth it, now that you are lucky enough to be included in the 5am snapchats. 🤣

Everyone loses their rag occasionally. I've shouted at my children out of frustration before, I do apologise after and they apologise when they shout at me. No one is perfect. We all have emotions.

Not the story reading, the singing songs?

OP says "Not true. There are kinder ways to convey disagreement or give conflicting opinions without a judgemetal or harsh tone. Maybe I'm too sensitive!"

Oh the irony.....

The bedtime routine you’re describing sounds like one for a much younger child.

He’s eight years old. Why aren’t you eating together as a family? You’re ‘putting him to bed’ really early, reading him ‘a couple of stories’ which suggests you’re reading him picture books for younger kids rather than a chapter or two of something more age-appropriate. And you’re singing him lullabies. I think you’re really babying him and I can see why he’d be testing boundaries by ‘faffing’.

I would try to eat as a family, make his bedtime a bit later, send him off to do his teeth and get his PJs on and get himself into bed, and then either read him a chapter or two of a book or leave him to read to himself for half an hour before you go up and give him a kiss goodnight and turn the light off.

Lol. It's the kid's home not A Wing in Wormwood Scrubs fgs.

Never let the sun go down on a disagreement
But going forward his bedtime routine sounds very babyish for an 8 year old.Does he not go on sleepovers?

If Faffing at bedtime was a sport, DS would win Olympic Gold every night. And he's 10.

You admit that your own hunger exacerbated the issue - and look, I'm menopausal so there are times when I'll yell at DS at bedtime because my own emotions are playing into his telling off - and that then becomes less about parenting and teaching him boundaries and more about me taking my emotions out on someone else, which is wrong. So I always, always admit my own unreasonableness and apologise to him when that happens. And usually he then apologises for faffing around too and it's all good.

For us, bedtime is usually when his little worries tend to surface and he wants to talk about them so we still do reading together, snuggle and have a wee chat if he wants to and I think that's really important as he's heading towards his teen years I always want him to be able to open up to either of us no matter what massive issue he has. So we'll carry that on as long as he wants that to.

Go up and cuddle him and explain that while he was misbehaving, you did over react because you are hangry. And say sorry so that he learns healthy conflict resolution. He'll probably say sorry and it'll all be good.

Can’t believe the vitriol the OP is getting for reading her 8 year old stories and singing to him! My DS is 6 and still very firmly insists on stories and songs at bedtime, I won’t be at all surprised if he still wants songs at 8. For his stories we do a mixture of chapter books - 1 or 2 chapters depending on length - and shorter ones as he still likes picture books sometimes - nothing wrong with that.

@Robostripes agreed. I'll keep doing it with DS10 until he doesn't want to any more.

I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series with DS. His teacher suggested more reading as he tends to speed read and skip words. So I got him the HP books hoping he'd love them as much as I did and now he's slowed his reading to ensure he misses nothing.

Plus I get to re-live the books again that I loved. And it gives us quiet time together, and a topic we can bond over - he's a very boyish boy and into all the things I don't understand like minecraft, fortnite and football so it's nice to have one thing that we can natter about. And hopefully it will foster a love of reading and of books.

Yes, I'm still reading to DS(7) at bedtime, and a quick survey reveals my friends are doing likewise. We all need to speak to our union, because we thought this was a requirement of the role.

No singing though.

It's not the reading. I think reading with a child is amazing and will give them a love of books but singing songs to an 8 year old at bedtime is ridiculous.

I think we all get frustrated from time to time with DCs perhaps change bedtime a bit, story cuddle and let him play/read in bed for 30 minutes and then call in to say good night. I found this helped mine settle themselves.

Why are you singing to an eight year old?!
Like, what songs?? Nursery rhymes??

The singing is fine, if that's what you usually do. I'm glad you didn't do any singing last night though. A frazzled hangry mum , frantically singing to her 8 year old who's been taking the piss all night is pure comedy sketch good.