To let upset DS put himself to bed

[llibrollibre]

DS (nearly 8) has been faffing about all evening instead of getting ready for bed. It seems to be happening more and more. It got to the point tonight where DH and I both ended up shouting at him out of sheer frustration (and probably hunger - DH and I were planning to eat dinner together after said child was in bed) which led to him bursting into tears and saying he hates us etc.

Usually we read a couple stories with DS then sing a few songs, then leave the room. Tonight we've had enough and just told him to put himself to bed.

AIBU to have done this? It feels really cruel but I don't think either of us could have happily put him to bed. 😫We spent all day together though so it's not like we haven't had time together.

I’m still mesmerised at the singing your child to sleep at 8. Are you the Von Traps?

High on a hill was a lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Sorry Herc, I know you're no me fan, but I did laugh at your pun.

But it's not. It's really not. The lessons we learn are instilled in childhood. Children who are abused or neglected (I'm not suggesting thats the case here) at a young age have physical effects years on even though they don't remember it. Timing someone, and punishing them if they get it wrong - it teaches them something. People question why victims allow someone to give them a curfew or make demands of them - its instilled.

I'd say the same about anything. A friend of mine was banned from any alcohol at all until she was 19 and went to uni - she was also never allowed to socialise with boys.

You can imagine how that went for her.

I guess what I'm saying is we need to be careful about the strategies we use.

I understand he's a child and parents need their own time, but that expressed in the wrong way can make a child feel really shitty.

It does seem cruel. I could not let my son go to sleep on that note. It is not his fault you are tired or hungry, and not ok to take that out on him even if he was being a pain. If you don't apologise, you are modelling that it is alright to get shouty when you are not getting your own way. Would you consider that acceptable behaviour from him?

Maybe as has been said, his bedtime and routine need rethought if there is frequently an issue.

Yeah, you were prob right about the projection but not on my behalf.

Children say things to me (i work with challenging male teenagers) and it breaks my heart. Guess it's my pressure point.

Sorry for being an arse.

I wouldn't be able to face the thought of.my child going to bed and to sleep alone and distressed. Glad you went up for a cuddle.

If he's in bed now, leave him be. If he wants a cuddle let him come and apologise.

He's supposed to get out of bed having got ready and got into bed, @girlmom21? And risk his parents shouting at him again for still not being in bed? That's just daft.

Why not? No school next day, after all.

I think consequences need to be put in place in future, for faffing about and not getting to bed on time.
Then nobody will end up frustrated or in a bad mood!
Some of the replies on here are rather OTT It's hardly the end of the world as a one-off.

Why don’t you eat earlier then? Poor boy, he deserves extra cuddles tomorrow.

And taking out that frustration by withdrawing cuddles is the act of a sulky child.

The thing is, OP didnt say he behaved badly (if he did, I'd be 100 percent on her side).

She said he was "faffing about".

What does that entail?

People do need to STFU about singing. I didn't do it because my singing voice is terrible, but if OP and her child enjoy it as part of the bedtime routine I cannot for the life of me see what the hell is wrong with singing with a 7 year old.

There are kinder ways to convey disagreement or give conflicting opinions without a judgemetal or harsh tone. Maybe I'm too sensitive!

From the parent who just shouted at her son before bed because (in her own words) she and her H were hungry. You are upset at a "harsh tone" written by an anonymous poster on an internet form. Think how your DS feel about 2 adults both shouting directly at him !!! Oh the irony

Yeesh… I think a lot of posters in here are overly tired and need to go to bed 🤣

OP you were fine. In an otherwise loving house this won’t emotionally scar your son. It is a good thing for kids to be reminded that they aren’t the center of the the universe from time to time, especially as they start to get older.

it sounds like you all had a fun and full day… enjoy your evening!

off topic but when a DP shouts at their OH and posts on mumsnet its a "ltb" and "itll only get worse"

Genuine question, why is it ok in a parent child relationship

Could you imagine, as suggested upthread, that a DH 'timed' a woman doing anything and punished her if she didnt comply?

of course he wasn’t wanted at the time, his parent’s wanted to have dinner. That’s adult time, it is a boundary - children can understand boundaries without feeling unloved, and in fact it is essential to their development.

The OP needs to tweek his bedtime routine, not be torn apart for imaginary parenting crimes.

Offering different opinions is one thing, ripping a poster apart to make yourself feel better about whatever is bugging you is not.

I still can't get over a nearly 8 year old having bed time stories still read. I'd have still given a goodnight kiss and hug though.

I've already admitted, repeatedly, that it's my achilles heel and I was harsher than I meant to be, and apologised.

I didn't rip her apart.

he's been farting about and now the consequence is you do not have time to read/sing etc. but as others have said, I would still have gone in after a few minutes and given him a cuddle and explained that he had run out of time to have a story.

You really must try and force yourself to get over it. It's really not that desperately shocking or distressing. Try smelling salts?

@PostMenPatWithACat By age 8 all I was getting was a 'go to bed' ...repeated at increasing volume until I was actually in bed. I had two brothers though, one a year older than me, one 2 years younger, so my parents didn't have any patience for the 3 of us pissing about at bedtime. We were also expected to get ourselves ready for bed, and put ourselves to bed with no parental input.

I think the OP's son will live...

Why wouldn’t an 8 yo still have stories read to them? Teachers advise you to do this to continue to encourage the love of stories, perhaps reading something they would struggle with themselves, and to enjoy a story together.

That’s in answer to the incredulous pp, not to the Op who’s had quite a lot of advice!

@minutesturntohours The teens you work with have a lifetime of issues, not a one off evening where mum got a bit cross. An otherwise healthy relationship with the odd shout or badly handled bed time won't cause the issues you see. We all make mistakes and the OP doesn't do this all the time. Different to the teens who aren't allowed to drink etc. You've said that it's your weak point so can understand why you reacted in the way you did.

Timers help some children understand how to manage their own time into adulthood. Bed time can't drag on for hours, getting dressed shouldn't take all morning. We use timers on screen time. Plenty of adults use timers to help them manage efficiently. Abusive twats will always be abusive twats whether or not the abused person had timers used during childhood.