When does it get easier ?

[cucurucu]

I see posts like this from time to time.

When does this parenthood thing get easier ? It's so absolutely relentless right now. 2 and a half year old and a 5 week old.

What's the deal ? I am literally not enjoying any of it and I feel terrible saying that, as I'm so lucky my children have their health. But I literally open my eyes in the morning and don't know how I'll get through each day. I just hate each day, really.

When does it get easier?

Yes I went through the baby stage at the same time as the teenage stages twice so it definitely wasn’t rose tinted specs to say the teenage stage was far worse. Of course not all the way through the teenage years but certainly remember 14 being a particularly despairing phase, loving the 18+ stage, they’re fantastic now

I reference your For about the fourth time, it is the most PHYSICALLY challenging time for the mother

'it is' is a factual assertion. Not an opinion.

If you are actually just trying to express your opinion, I'd suggest you instead use phrases such as 'in my opinion' or 'personally I've found' to distinguish between the two.

I used the 'breezy' time to socialise, bake, rest, and go back to work (pt at 6w with my second). Oh and a lot of time up cuddling and feeding my non sleeping infants obviously.

Oops, total name change fail there!

Says it all really, doesn’t it 🙄

Uh no.

Many of us have different names. If you must know, this is the name I created to discuss whether I let my now deceased cat down, in the aftermath of finding out my toddler had cancer, and I didn't want personal and identifying information on my main account.

But if you want to have a go at me for not wanting to discuss my child's cancer under my main username, then go ahead...

@Pippainthegarden Please don't say things like "overall newborns are relatively easy". YOU had an easy time with YOUR newborns, but that is certainly not a universal experience. It's incredibly dismissive of the experiences of other mothers and really upsetting for mothers who are currently struggling, suggesting that they are doing something wrong and making them feel worse than they already do.

It's like someone telling a teenager "your schooldays are the best days of your life" when they're being bullied and having a crap time. It's really not helpful.

Maybe if you are "breezing" through and out and about a lot at lunches and activities you're meeting other mothers who are having a similar experience... and perhaps not seeing or hearing the mothers who are at home struggling, unable to even leave the house. Perhaps that gives you a skewed impression.

In my mothers' group there were a variety of experiences. I was aware that some were having an easier time of it than me and I did feel envious.

And some who had an easy DC1 were absolutely knocked flat by a difficult DC2! The baby's temperament has a lot to do with it.

They definitely weren’t ‘easy’ newborns (except for the one) well unless your saying being up till 4am cluster feeding every night, colic etc represent easy newborns. I have acknowledged that first time parents often do find the experience particularly hard even if they haven’t got a ‘difficult’ newborn, just as I would find doing my first marathon hard compared to a seasoned runner, even if not in hot weather, great running boots etc. I have also acknowledged that if you are juggling a newborn with other commitments it can be quite miserable too as they can be very much a full time job. However based not just on my experiences but those of many other who have actually gone through the spectrum of parenting different ages with multiple children. Most such parents I know of have also commented on how in retrospect the newborn stage was actually so much easier than the other particularly challenging stages children commonly go through. Of course this is not going to be everyone’s experience as all children and parents are different but I am taking about the majority I have come across.
Yes I probably would have struggled to comprehend that I was in the midst of sleep deprivation with my first child, I remember like other first time parent friends struggling to comprehend how on earth people actually manage to parent more than one child as to us it was all so overwhelming at the time. Perhaps you just come from an unusual area/social circle where their experience is generally that toddlers and teenagers are easier than newborns.

Absolutely, I would say my 2nd was 100x easier than my first, even aside from being a new parent with my first.
2nd dc was at least 10x easier than all the subsequent dc too

That is your experience. I don't think it is the "majority" experience.

@Stellamar I am also not saying every newborn is easier than every toddler or teenager, my first newborn was definitely more difficult than any of the toddler stages and the teenage stages of my dsc. I am talking about most newborns compared to most toddlers (at their most difficult phases) and teenagers (at their most difficult phases)

My family and friends are spread across 3 continents so it's not just a small isolated area that somehow produces the most difficult newborns

I do think perhaps we might all agree that primary school is easier than baby & toddlerhood combined though, yeah? Let's give OP some hope!!

Its the majority experience of those I have come into contact with who have actually raised multiple children. I’m not insisting it is the majority experience of parents you have come across who have raised multiple children. If you had asked me when I only had my first child, I probably would of said the newborn stage was definitely the most difficult too with the limited experience I had at the time

Yes very definitely, even just when the older dc is 3-4 life should start to get a lot easier, I’ll caveat that by obviously saying ‘from mine and my contemporaries general experience’ Just before anyone jumps on to say that will upset a parent struggling with their 3-4 year old and make them feel a failure to suggest kids generally get easier at 3-4, all children are different of course and maybe what is lost in online communication is that fact that among our peer group we are actually very supportive and sympathetic to the parent who experiences the exception to the norm whether that be the newborn who won’t stop screaming or the 5 year old still having tantrums

Yeah I found the newborn stage challenging physically due to the tiredness, but my baby is ten months now and it's much more full on in terms of she's bigger and wriggly and heavy and I'm lifting her into car seats, trying to strap her in while she fights, trying to get nappies on while she fights, any chance she gets to escape towards the stairs or an open door she crawls off like a shot giggling her head off and I have to chase after her. Newborns are as light as a feather and they can't roll off, crawl away or bite you with a smile

Maybe it’s your subculture/class, working with new parents I do find older first time and middle class parents do seem to struggle the most with newborns. I also have friends and family in Europe and North America

Or perhaps we're just better at managing toddlers.

I don't really think that by the way . I think your experience depends on your own and babies temperament, the birth you've had, PND, PTSD, sleep, colic, breastfeeding, a combination of all these things which are beyond your control, can't really be separated, and are not dependent on your class or where you live.

I think if you told me when I was in the depths of those first weeks and months, "well, you think this is hard now, but just you wait! This is actually the easiest bit! It's all downhill from here!" And if you'd represented
that as the most likely option and I had actually believed you, I'd probably have considered suicide!

Luckily our parents and friends and family with older and adult children all told me it would get easier, and thankfully it did!

* @MolliciousIntent can you help me understand how I can get my almost two and a half year old to help me / be more independent?

She does ' help ' with laundry. She likes to take it in and out of und basket etc.

I tried to help her make baby's bottle yesterday to get her to push the button on the perfect prep machine. She enjoyed it, but kept wanting to push the buttons the entire time.

I try to get her to help me tidy toys away in a box, but she just walks off.. apparently she helps tidy up at nursery though.. I've asked her to get baby's nappy etc and ' help ' change nappies.. she just walks off.

OP this has been her life being turned upside down as well. Your attention divided now. She is probably feeling very hurt. All behaviour from small children is communication. She doesn't have the words yet - I expect - to articulate how she feels. She had all of your attention and felt the centre of your universe and now she doesn't. 2.5 is a tricky age, regardless of a new sibling! It's all new to you as well.

She probably needs some reassurance. Leave the baby (with some expressed milk stored if bf) with their father and take your daughter out to a cafe for cake and lunch and some "mummy" time, then a playground or whatever and make her feel special and loved and give her your full attention for a few hours.

Making more demands on her right now when she has just been through a HUGE life change just like you is not ideal timing. Work on independence/ helping later. Right now what she probably needs is reassurance that the new baby hasn't changed your love for her and while the family dynamic will be different now, you still make time just for her.

Most such parents I know of have also commented on how in retrospect the newborn stage was actually so much easier than the other particularly challenging stages children commonly go through.

Part of this is simply that memories (particularly bad ones, for an evolutionary reason!!) fade with time. And more recent/ current problems always seem more difficult.

I am not sure how that comparison helps the OP in a practical way though (even though that was her premise, I know). So perhaps it would be more helpful to come up with memories of what made parenting two very small children more manageable and post those for her?

Ultimately your older child will be feeling very insecure currently OP (totally normal) so being even harder work than previously to try to get your attention. If you can find a space to give her one to one attention and cuddles and play time with you, then this may reassure her and help her to adjust. And that will make your life much easier.

There’s a 2 year gap between my first 2 children and it got a lot easier once my youngest was around 6 months old.

hang in their op. I have a newborn atm too and it’s so hard.