When does it get easier ?

[cucurucu]

I see posts like this from time to time.

When does this parenthood thing get easier ? It's so absolutely relentless right now. 2 and a half year old and a 5 week old.

What's the deal ? I am literally not enjoying any of it and I feel terrible saying that, as I'm so lucky my children have their health. But I literally open my eyes in the morning and don't know how I'll get through each day. I just hate each day, really.

When does it get easier?

Classy

You are at a really difficult stage OP, your 2yo's wee life has been turned upside down (adjusting to sharing mum and dad) so it's no suprise they are playing up. Whilst you are getting v little sleep and adjusting to the demands of baby

I found it got a little easier once we'd adjusted to a family of 4 so maybe when baby was about 4 months.

Then it sort of gets easier as time goes on. The biggest change has been when my second was 2 and then 2.5.

Feels ages away yet but one thing I didn't do was appreciate how quickly each stage passes .. I worried about stupid things like house not being tidy, feeling like I should be able to manage x y z etc... but really I wish I just went with it and if it meant me and the baby had a lazy day in bed / at home in pjs whilst eldest was at nursery then so what!!

As cliche as it sounds, try to find the joys in small things like a walk in the sunshine whilst listening to podcast

And buy noise deafening headphones! (My dc had terrible reflux/ cmpa and did cry a lot during the first year)

I think they're just perennially glass-half-empty who focus on everything bad about their current situation - which makes everything in life harder, but parenting particularly so.

Yes, agree. Because honestly, while there are some astonishingly difficult times and emotionally I suspect that many parents have some really really tough times in later years when DC are struggling or behaving badly, the difficulty of the very early newborn stage (exacerbated in this case by a toddler) is a unique kind of difficult based on lack of sleep and the total relentlessness of parenting children of this age.

Yes would agree, it definitely does get easier at certain stages, even with the teenage stage which probably the hardest of all (unless very lucky) it’s not like it’s continuously hard e.g had 3 teenagers at the same time but only one was generally going through a challenging phase at any one time

Are we all just ignoring the bit where the OP’s husband made her have a second child she didn’t want (because clearly having just one child is beyond the pale) and then does none of the parenting? Of course she’s finding things hard.

Does anyone help out? Any close friends or family?

I'm lucky to have a lot of help and I find it makes the difference between enjoying motherhood or finding it a relentless slog!

To be honest, it rarely does, instead it's x situation replaced by another x situation, then repeats, All the best op

Don’t be silly, no stage is as physically challenging as the newborn stage.

OP, where you are now is tough. It definitely does get easier, gradually. This part is about survival. Mine were 18 months apart so I get it! I'm a lone parent, so can imagine what it's like with a husband who may as well not be there based on what you have said.

It starts to pay off later. Today my two played on the beach while I sat and read a book. They are 5 and 6 now. Those first few years with just me and them and a full time job were hard.

Totally agree with others about getting them to be independent. Involve them in cooking, washing, tidying up etc as soon as they are mobile. Make dressing themselves a challenge with a stopwatch. This will make your life easier and also teach them good life skills.

You have not had long to recover from the birth of your second child, your first child is still adjusting. Give it time and try to stay sane!

There's a great book called "Hunt, Gather, Parent" which I love. And another called "How to talk so little kids will listen: a survival guide to life".

Appreciate you prob have zero time or energy to read either atm but maybe you can dip in and out of them in a month or two, once you settle into a new routine. It takes time to adapt, for all of you, and find what works. Don't be hard on yourself.

It was bang out of order of your husband to demand another one, when he's not doing any of the work. That should have been your decision alone given your situation. I'm guessing you need to learn to be more assertive. Whenever he is home, make sure you go out and have huge breaks!

Most of us who’ve been through the range of ages with several children will say the newborn stage is a breeze, most first time parents find it hard because it’s the first time they are doing it, some second time parents too if they had an unusually easy first child. I think the newborn stage has to be approached as if your taking on a new job with long and unsocial hours, you would sort childcare for older children, not try and fit in too many commitments etc, have someone cook for you if possible and aside from first time parent shock and nerves for subsequent babies it shouldn’t be that bad. I’d say toddlers are much harder work and teenagers are on a different level, you can’t honestly tell me a teenager refusing to go to school or not coming in till 3am is harder than an immobile newborn even if you are having to pace up and down with them at 3am, feeding every hour for half the night

Plus as for twin mothers with toddlers, that must be second only to difficult teenagers

Yes absolutely, it doesn’t have to be such an endurance if there’s support/childcare for older children. How many men still driving in their fancy cars or a family which can afford centre Parcs and yet the mother struggles along with a baby and toddler with no childcare or other support as apparently the family can’t afford it.

Well, playing misery top trumps isn't really helpful to the op is it?

My lived experience is that my ds1s newborn/young baby stage nearly killed me. He was a poorly baby, feeding problems and never slept. (Well, if you count 40 minutes every hour sleeping...)

It was 5.5 years before I had another!

The least you do for baby is a lot so even a healthy, happy, placid baby will take up a lot of time and of course you're recovering from the birth.

You are in the trenches atm physically, no doubt.

More worrying is your dh insisting on another child and then not supporting you...this us what you need to focus on.

I find motherhood the hardest thing I've ever done. It's like wearing your heart outside your body and you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

That is SUCH bollocks, I can’t believe you bothered to type it out.

There is absolutely no question that the newborn stage is physically the most challenging stage. Caring for a tiny baby on top of a long labour and possibly difficult birth is a huge undertaking never mind when there are other small children to care for.

This is the reason so many (better) cultures form support networks for new mothers. Only in dick one-pump man ship squads like yours does this absurd competitive crap enter the arena.

Here’s your 🏅 for the most dickish post of the day

I have a similar gap OP. Since the youngest turned 2 and the older one is at school things are a lot better.

Regarding work, could you go PT for a couple of years until school?
Nursery childcare is usually easier to get longer hours for, but more expensive.

I have to say that I agree with the 'BOLLOCKS' that @Pippainthegarden said. Sorry.
And I've done it 5 x

Why would you assume that? None of this comment is out of the ordinary at all. My 2yr old can get herself dressed and make herself a bowl of cereal, provided you put everything out for her, and helps with laundry, tidying etc - kids are capable of SO much more than we think they are, you just have to give them a chance!

I've got almost the exact same age gap as OP, at the same time, and I 100% believe the trick to it is encouraging independence in your toddler so that the time you do get to dedicate to them can be genuine connection rather than a battle over getting your tights on.

@MolliciousIntent can you help me understand how I can get my almost two and a half year old to help me / be more independent?

She does ' help ' with laundry. She likes to take it in and out of und basket etc.

I tried to help her make baby's bottle yesterday to get her to push the button on the perfect prep machine. She enjoyed it, but kept wanting to push the buttons the entire time.

I try to get her to help me tidy toys away in a box, but she just walks off.. apparently she helps tidy up at nursery though.. I've asked her to get baby's nappy etc and ' help ' change nappies.. she just walks off.

I had 3 under 4, and I'd say it gets easier when the youngest turns 3yo. Then much easier when the youngest is 5yo. Teens have been easy for me so far (eldest is 16).

Hang in there OP!

No, this was physically the easiest for me.

Better sleep then later on, no arguing, too stationary to get up to mischief, less brainpower needed to entertain, and they aren't climbing all over you.

I genuinely don't know how anyone can call being up to feed for 30 minutes every 90 minutes for the first 4 months "a breeze". The nights themselves, and trying to function the next day. And I don't think I had a particularly "bad" sleeper, just a 5lb baby who needed to pack some weight on.

I think the age differs slightly for every child, 3 is when my kids started being able to this stuff. At almost 4, the youngest DC can tidy up, our cereal, make their beds, get dressed by themselves, do a load of laundry (supervised) but at 2 none of them could.