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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When does it get easier ?

183 replies

cucurucu · 02/06/2022 13:43

I see posts like this from time to time.

When does this parenthood thing get easier ? It's so absolutely relentless right now. 2 and a half year old and a 5 week old.

What's the deal ? I am literally not enjoying any of it and I feel terrible saying that, as I'm so lucky my children have their health. But I literally open my eyes in the morning and don't know how I'll get through each day. I just hate each day, really.

When does it get easier?

OP posts:
francesfrankenfurter · 03/06/2022 12:36

ThrallsWife · 02/06/2022 14:26

When it gets easier depends largely on how you raise them (disabilities/ neurodiverse conditions aside). The earlier you put the work in in making them become helpers/ develop independence, the easier you will find life early on.

For now, it is a slog. Both your children are young and fully/ mostly dependent on you for everything. But a 2.5-y.o. for example can help out with little things, even if they will take ages to start with. Putting a few toys into a box or washing into a washing basket. Unclipping some washing from a washing line. Decking the table.

I made sure mine were able to get dressed from a very early age. I'd lay out the clothes and they'd be dressed by the time I was out of the shower. They're all very little things, but it helped me enjoy them so much, even as a single mothet with all the slog.

Aged 3 they started helping me cook, by doing little things like chopping very soft food, such as mushrooms. Again, the first few times took ages, but they soon cracked it and now (Y1 and teen) help with all sort of things. I also have had them help clean up spillages etc. as soon as they could. Yes, the first few times I'd have to wipe again after them, but they soon got in the habit.

The less you do by yourself, the more you will be able to enjoy time together and/ or by yourself. But I have seen it all, from almost fully independent kids age 6 to still fully dependent 19-y.o.

I agree with this. Most children are capable of far more than a lot of parents realise. But it does take more time initially and so lots of parents just think it is easier to do it yourself. But it does pay off. Being able to dress themselves makes a real difference and children want to learn this. Also being able to go to the toilet with any help makes a real difference, although being honest them remembering to flush was always an issue until older.
With your two year old they can fetch things e.g. pass me a nappy.

Stellamar · 03/06/2022 12:38

But gradually easier all the time, I found, with each little milestone!

Sleeping through
Expressing their needs
Dress themselves
Get a drink themselves
Out of nappies
Wipe their own bum
Fasten their own seat belt
Read to themselves

One day they will even be able to drive and cook Smile

fridaRose · 03/06/2022 12:39

Lochjeda · 03/06/2022 12:30

My 17 year old is super hard work just now. She costs a fortune, she's out drinking till daft o'clock, always wanting money, always wanting lifts, often got dramas to resolve. I was looking forward to her leaving for uni but its not happening now, she's going travelling instead and saving and working for a year, so no reprieve yet. My 9 year old son and twelve year old daughter are a walk in the park.

That's cos you allow it.
At 17 I was working weekends (and going out after) so I could afford my drinking money and going out clothes etc.

Parents never picked me up form nights out, I either had to get the last 11pm bus, or stay at a friend's, or pay for own taxi.

I didn't give them grief as one 'look' from my mum was enough to stop all attitude.

We've always been close and have an amazing bond. In fact it was the reason I've wanted to have a daughter is I have such an amazing close relationship with my parents!

francesfrankenfurter · 03/06/2022 12:42

17 year olds have dramas. But they should be differentiating what they share with friends and what they share with you.

chocolateoranges33 · 03/06/2022 12:43

Being completely honest - when they're at secondary school & you can leave them on their own for a few hours to have some time to yourself. And you no longer need before/after school club and holiday care!

Goodskin46 · 03/06/2022 12:47

fridaRose · 03/06/2022 12:39

That's cos you allow it.
At 17 I was working weekends (and going out after) so I could afford my drinking money and going out clothes etc.

Parents never picked me up form nights out, I either had to get the last 11pm bus, or stay at a friend's, or pay for own taxi.

I didn't give them grief as one 'look' from my mum was enough to stop all attitude.

We've always been close and have an amazing bond. In fact it was the reason I've wanted to have a daughter is I have such an amazing close relationship with my parents!

Show quote history

And your DCs are how old ? I worked for money, got yhe last bus home etc. I wanted life to be a little easier for my children. I will go and get Dd no matter how far, no matter how late. Getting last buses and staying out all night IMO are signs that nobody cares enough to make sure you are safe. Not a message I want ro send tbh.

Goodskin46 · 03/06/2022 12:48

Meant to say fridaRose you are doing a great job.

francesfrankenfurter · 03/06/2022 12:51

@Goodskin46 that is fine I do the same. But I also wouldn't complain about it. I am choosing to do it.

AclowncalledAlice · 03/06/2022 12:54

I would say when they move out, but that brings a whole host of other worries.

NorthernSoul55 · 03/06/2022 13:05

JudgeRindersMinder · 02/06/2022 21:49

It doesn’t get easier just different.

what you’re going through right now is why there’s a 5 year gap between my kids!

A very wise friend whose children were 10 years older than ours told us this. How true it was!
(I also have a 5 year gap between mine, one at full time school before no 2)

Pippainthegarden · 03/06/2022 13:15

I would say when your 2 year old starts nursery but by then your 5 week old be mobile! I’d say when the older one starts school and definitely by time younger one is 3-4

Stompythedinosaur · 03/06/2022 14:12

Age 5-10 is the golden era - hang on in there!

Pippainthegarden · 03/06/2022 14:25

NorthernSoul55 · 03/06/2022 13:05

A very wise friend whose children were 10 years older than ours told us this. How true it was!
(I also have a 5 year gap between mine, one at full time school before no 2)

Show quote history

Yes definitely for 4-5 year gaps, makes the early child rearing years more enjoyable than endurance

AnuSTart · 04/06/2022 07:15

I loathe the way men get to guilt their partners into having children when they know they'll not be doing any actual parenting themselves.
I hate that women accept it.
Tell your DH this is not on.

It doesn't get easier until the are at school in my experience. And then if you can get them in after school care!
The hard daily grind stops but it gets harder in different ways through teen years to adulthood. Mine are stretched between 7 and 25 and the 25 year old can be as worrisome as his 7 year old brother!

Bednobsbroomsticks · 04/06/2022 07:30

Oh who said it gets easier? Lol. Mum to 22 and 16 year olds ...I'm still waiting hahha

Original poster
cucurucu · 04/06/2022 21:24

Bednobsbroomsticks · 04/06/2022 07:30

Oh who said it gets easier? Lol. Mum to 22 and 16 year olds ...I'm still waiting hahha

I suppose at least you can go to the toilet on your own at the stage your kids are at ? Hopefully !

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 04/06/2022 22:02

I had a similar age gap with mine and found (sorry to say) it actually got a bit harder once the baby was more active and trying to take the toddlers toys. Mine are now 1 and 4 and I can't leave them as often the 1 year old gets whacked when he destroys something the 4 year old has built.

At the moment it's still all a shock and coping methods haven't been learnt yet. For me - it's get them out of the house. Always had a plan for the day. Today we went to a cafe for lunch and rejoiced in the fact I didn't have to clear up - like I said you will find small coping mechanism.

Lastly - I found myself turning into a shouty mum when my eldest starting really misbehaving - tried all sorts and the most effective was 'mummy won't play with you while you are hitting me'. Leave the room (with baby). Works

Overthewine · 04/06/2022 22:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

User48751490 · 04/06/2022 22:23

LactoseTheIntolerant · 02/06/2022 14:24

I'd say when they are both at school or certainly eldest at school and youngest at nursery, you start getting a bit of time back for yourself.

No, then you have to play referee when they fight like cat and dog.

Wiggledypiggledy · 04/06/2022 22:34

I think all the people saying “it never gets easier, just different” have either completely forgotten what life was actually like with a newborn and toddler, or had unusually serene/placid babies.

OP you are very much in the trenches. In a few months it will start gradually getting easier. But it’s so gradual that you probably won’t notice, until one day you think to yourself, my goodness, how on earth did I survive that sleep deprivation and constant neediness??!

Powersout · 04/06/2022 22:45

I see so many posts on here saying 'my husband persuaded me to have a second child's or 'I wanted my child to have a sibling' - I just dont get why this is reason enough to have another. What did you want? Why didnt you act on what YOU wanted?

I've got one and I'd say it got easier when she turned 4.

Sarah3587 · 04/06/2022 22:47

Before you can blink they’ll be teenagers and you’ll miss having little ones to care for.
this time is soooooo short. Enjoy it whilst it’s still here.

Sponge19 · 04/06/2022 22:48

Oh for goodness sake. Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood so much?

FreezyFreezy · 04/06/2022 22:52

Sponge19 · 04/06/2022 22:48

Oh for goodness sake. Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood so much?

Oh do piss off with that shit

Powersout · 04/06/2022 22:58

FreezyFreezy · 04/06/2022 22:52

Oh do piss off with that shit

Show quote history

No shit from Sponge. We're still mis-selling this 2.4 children thing to each other. OP will one day be so glad she has her 2....but there may be many years of gruelling parenting before then. She may have little or no family/friend support which is personally what I think you need to stay sane when you have more than 1.