When does it get easier ?

[cucurucu]

I see posts like this from time to time.

When does this parenthood thing get easier ? It's so absolutely relentless right now. 2 and a half year old and a 5 week old.

What's the deal ? I am literally not enjoying any of it and I feel terrible saying that, as I'm so lucky my children have their health. But I literally open my eyes in the morning and don't know how I'll get through each day. I just hate each day, really.

When does it get easier?

Your baby woke once every 90 minutes for the first 4 months? Sorry but that is definitely a bad sleeper!

That was to @DashboardConfessional

My 2.5 year old is going through a regression and it’s tough. We have the big emotional displays we haven’t seen for a year and she keeps role playing that she’s a baby - I don’t think she’s enjoying being seen as a ‘big girl’.

I find it really hard work and she’s in childcare 3 days a week.

It's definitely a long game, we started basically as soon as she had control of her limbs, just including her in every single aspect of life at home and not falling into the trap of nap time = chores, so she was 100% used to all this stuff going on around her. Keeping tasks suitable to her skill level, IE can you find all the socks in this basket for me, and not fussing too much about how much extra mess was made on the way, so if all the laundry went on the floor before it went in the washer, who cares. And then just praise praise praise praise like a loony. Toddlers want to please you! They want to feel like they've done a good job, they want to feel useful and valuable. We also (the adults) made a point of praising each other and thanking each other for small tasks in front of her, so that she got a sense of us all being on a team.

Now that the baby is here, we talk to the little one a lot about how helpful and clever her sister is, and I make sure that there is always room for my big girl on my lap when I'm feeding the baby, so she never feels pushed out. We've worked really hard on making sure the baby is happy to lie by herself for 20min or so, and both parents make sure to give the toddler 1-1 time every day that isn't focused on tasks/transitions.

Setting your expectations is the most important thing. It's not realistic for you to expect your toddler to get everything you need for a nappy change, but that's not really what you're after, what you want is a toddler who feels confident and comfortable in her own space and her own abilities to manage by herself for a bit. I think kids who are particularly clingy are often so because they feel helpless without their caregiver. If you give them the tools to feel like they can manage without you (even though they absolutely can't, cos they're 2) then they're less likely to feel anxious and upset if you need to be focusing on something else for an hour.

Caveat to all this is that I've only done this with the one child and a lot of it may be temperament dependent. DD is very sensitive and has a lot of big feelings, tantrum are off the scale and appear out of nowhere, meal times are very very beige, and I am in no way raising a little angel, but she is comfortable in her own space and I think that makes our lives a lot easier.

It's definitely not a breeze at all. But if you don't have an older child and don't have lots of things you need to do, then it's ok. Well for me it was with my first.

I would say right now, my toddler is challenging me the most. Endless tantrums etc, but it's compounded by the fact that I'm exhausted from the newborn. With my first, the first few weeks were very hard. Then it got easier, then a little harder again, but not as hard as at the beginning. Then sleeping through the night happened.. consistently at around 11 months.

it really started getting hard for me at 15 months or so. No attention span, constantly grabbing everything in sight. Constant supervision required.

I think everyone's experience is different though.

Its totally a breeze compared to a year later, where my toddler was still waking up that frequently PLUS work PLUS less napping in the day PLUS being more demanding and mobile.

It only being for 4 months, whilst on mat leave sounds like a dream in comparison.

I have a 3 year old and nearly 2 year old, and it's definitely much more enjoyable than when they were new and 18 months! The first 3 months were incredibly hard both times for me.

Now they can often tell me what is wrong, play a bit together (with lots of intervention). When they both needed me every moment it was really difficult. It will get better, OP. I found it got gradually better from when the little one could sit (ignoring medical stuff that you are very unlikely to have to deal with).

Yes, I find my toddler was the tricky one as well, when baby 2 came along. I used a sling a lot to juggle the two, which helped until baby got mobile...

Then maybe we dont talk about the year following that, two toddlers is erm, special, but it got easier when the youngest got to about 2 (not because 2 is an easy age, but because my eldest was nearly 4 and that was better, and they played together)

Now at 3+nearly 5 they play really well together and it's often easier having both of them together because of this.

We did similar with our kids, we just had them join in with normal life from the get go and so they see us doing stuff like cleaning, cooking and so on and want to join in.

if you’ve bothered to read my other posts on the thread I’ve said yes absolutely it is about the support, mothers shouldn’t be left to cope with other commitments in addition to a newborn but a well supported mother caring for a newborn isn’t harder than coping with an all climbing all running often still up in the night toddler or the issues a 14 year old can face. All of us mother’s in nursery circle joke how we never realised how relatively easy the newborn stage was. Yes obviously if the mother doesn’t have the support she’s meant to have, like the support anyone should have after major surgery and is running round after toddlers after a c section then it’s going to be rubbish for her but most 2nd time mothers allowed to just focus on her newborn’s will quite enjoy the time, if be a little tired

BTW I was replying to another comment on the thread, not the OP. I’ve been there with a baby and toddler and know what it’s like, if she only had the newborn to care for I’m sure she’d be absolutely fine, it’s the fact she’s got both of them without additional support

You’ve a way to go yet. It got easier for me around 8, although dd has SEN and so probs later than some. IDK each child is different. Had some fab days out that were a joy around 8.
take all the offers of help you can

OP I’m about 8.5 months ahead of you. When the baby started to sit up unassisted and could be left on the floor playing with the toddler things got SO much easier. I found the transition from 1-2 really hard but now it’s absolutely fine. I’ve had them on my own all bank holiday and it’s been a breeze!

Also I sleep trained my baby at 8m and that has made a huge difference. Predictable naps breaking up my day with my 3y/o and they both go to bed with no dramas at 7.

I found a noticeable shift when the youngest was 4. Old enough to play/communicate with older child, and the two tended to see to themselves more and bother us less!

Totally agree with this 4-11 really is the golden age and OP will find life is likely to be miles easier when they are 4&6, even when the older one gets to 4 it will be so much easier just have 1 very little one to cope with

@SchoolThing I’ve had three kids so three newborns and I found the newborn bit absolutely fine with all three , not easy but really enjoyed it . I totally get not everyone does though . I didn’t have all easy babies but I still found it less difficult than other stages. I found the toddler stage extremely difficult but others won’t have 🤷🏻‍♀️
My newborns slept ok , I mean woke frequently but were easy to settle , happily napped in a sling etc . My toddlers were on the move constantly, one woke a lot and wouldn’t settle for hours (tried everything), setting a smaller baby was so much easier, during the day with a newborn was so much easier than a toddler, zero downtime or headspace with a toddler , loads with a newborn . That’s my experience so it isn’t rubbish or absolutely wasn’t the most difficult stage. Obviously the op has a toddler too so that’s making it v v difficult.
I have older kids now and while some things are way easier, they all finally sleep usually, other things are a lot more difficult. That’s the nature of parenting . I work with teenagers and it certainly doesn’t look like a picnic so I wouldn’t dismiss what their parents say as I don’t know yet but v v soon!

@Pippainthegarden totally agree with everything you said . I went to lunch recently with friends and their babies and they were able to sit around for ages with babies in prams , with toddlers you just can’t do that for long . I looked so much more rested with a newborn than my toddlers … I was exhausted

@Runorsleep
so your experience is at odds with most. That’s all.

I have huge experience of newborns, my own, my younger siblings, the newborns we fostered, through my work.

For about the fourth time, it is the most PHYSICALLY challenging time for the mother because the labour involved follows pregnancy and birth and includes limited sleep.

So being a foster parent is way easier than being a birth mother PHYSICALLY, however it is still round the clock labour.

You cannot sensibly compare that with any other age group.
Ages 3-13 are an absolute picnic by comparison.

For about the fourth time, it is the most PHYSICALLY challenging time for the mother because the labour involved follows pregnancy and birth and includes limited sleep.

For about the fourth time, that's not everyone's experience.

not everyone experiences labour for a start - 2 children here, zero labour, 2 planned sections with minimal blood loss and recovery that was marked in days not weeks.

and yes, pregnancy was incredibly hard (SPD from first trimester) but that just meant that i was delighted to have a baby instead of continuing agony.

I found newborns to be the PHYSICALLY EASIEST age. They can't clamber on you, follow you round, they are light. They stay put. You don't have to deal with an ironing board car seat tantrum.

stop assuming that your experience represents everyone's experiences.

We and they are all different but I find 9 and 6 pretty hard still, more mentally with all the squabbles. But at least I'm not sleep deprived anymore so there's that I guess 😕

I also found newborns the easiest age, hate when people say others are lying or just don’t remember it properly, no we all have different opinions and newborn was 100% the easiest stage for me

I think how you hard you find each stage depends a lot on your temperament and that of your DC.

Some people have very placid babies and enjoy that type of wordless caring, others have a colicky baby that screams all the time. I've had 2 that were very different in terms of how easy or enjoyable the early days were.

I think it might be upsetting to hear someone describe that bit as a 'breeze' if you're going through a really hard time. For me, that was absolutely the hardest bit.

Some parents will enjoy toddlers more, some will love being with a primary school kid and others will find the teenager stage easiest.

Personally I have found the growing communication skills, independence and ability to participate in mutually enjoyable activities makes them much easier as they grow.

Another one with reading comprehension difficulties. I am not assuming my experience to be that of others. I have not even referenced my experiences with my own newborns.

Maybe you could have used that easy breezy time with your newborn to brush up on reading comprehension 🙄

Thank you, I’m relating from the the experience of over 25 years experience with our own 7dcs, working with parents of young children, and the experiences of all the friends and family along the way. Yes most first time parents are quite shellshocked by the experience and I remember having my first, being in a lot of pain and the mixture of lots of unhelpful external factors at the time and inexperience plus a very unsettled baby making the the first few months feel really tough. However overall newborns per se are relatively easy if the mother has the support to just focus on them, recovering and not lots of external additional stresses and a bit of experience behind her. (Although my 2nd was so amazingly easy you would hardly know was there) Yes they usually don’t want to be put down, usually feed frequently especially at night but I’d choose snuggling up with my newborn all day, the hourly feeds and being a bit tired any day over the 1 year old who needs literally so constant supervision to stop them falling on/off/swallowing things, getting bored or frustrated that they can’t manage this or that, not wanting to nap even though they are super tired etc etc or calls from the school to say your teenager has not turned up etc. Granted to say all our little dc are quite happy and easier now (most of the time) and the teenagers turned into wonderful adults. Maybe it’s just the areas we live in/ circles we mix in but many a time have had this discussion with fellow mothers as the 2 year old is having a meltdown in the park etc and we generally have been in consensus and friends who have had later babies after going through the teenage years like me have just absolutely basked in the simplicity of parenting a newborn