Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

361 replies

SnowBall86 · 01/06/2022 13:56

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

OP posts:
CapMarvel · 01/06/2022 15:14

Unless you are physically incapable of managing post c-section I don't see why DH going away for one night needs to be any sort of a problem.

hoorayandupsherises · 01/06/2022 15:18

I think being away for a night is not particularly unreasonable, especially with taking one of your children.

However, it sounds like you may have concerns about the 5 year old being properly supervised at the party which, if that's the case, is absolutely not unreasonable.

@EinsteinaGogo I absolutely agree, talking or thinking about your partner as being on a leash is not OK.

PatAndFrank · 01/06/2022 15:22

Wave him and DS off with a smile - the nephew is only 21 once.

OnlyLosersTakeTheBus · 01/06/2022 15:25

DH went away for 5 days when DC4 was 4 weeks old and I had DC1-3 who were 2, 4 & 5. It was, er, alright but not something I would have chosen.

In your case I'd be more worried that going to the party might not be the best thing for your 5 year old.

aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2022 15:29

Is there a decent plan for where the 5 year old will sleep.

If so I would say he will just have to play it by ear to see if you are well enough - I wasn't healed enough for this after my c section, but you may or may not be.

KvotheTheBloodless · 01/06/2022 15:31

I'd not take a 5 year old to a 21st party unless it was going to be genuinely child-friendly and your H can be trusted to properly supervise him and not get drunk and let him wander off.

ArabellaDrummond · 01/06/2022 15:33

I’d be fine with him going but I wouldn’t personally go, I didn’t leave DS overnight until 5 months old and even then I was only a 5 minute drive away from him.

Wexone · 01/06/2022 15:34

My cousins of all ages went to my 21st- It was a family affair, they danced with their cousins and ate loads of cake. Loved the attention they got from everyone. By 10pm flaking so they were all put in the big double bed. They absolutely loved it . My party was at home by the way. Now they are 21 and are "loving" the pictures of them for their 21st :). You are Mumsnet where people are outraged a child is not invited to a wedding and now people are saying is a 21st suitable for children ??? If it was me i would be taking this hand over fist and even encouraging a second night. I presume other cousins will be there aswell as grandparents so your child will be spoiled and get loads of attention. Get some friends to check in with you if you need anything

Bluueberrryy · 01/06/2022 15:34

I'd be pleased to have time alone with the baby. 5 year olds are noisy and annoying. At least you can sleep when the baby sleeps if you don't have 2 other people crashing about

stuntbubbles · 01/06/2022 15:35

Well done, OP, you’ve got the cool mums out in force: “I gave birth to premature twins in the back of a car on the M1 in a blizzard and my husband was off down the pub for a lock-in the same night, not only did I manage but I cooked him a slap-up breakfast for his return, it was easy despite the three older children because I had the kind of babies who sleep and also I’m cool”.

No way on earth would I have managed physically alone at four weeks. Would have survived if I had to but the great news is, you DON’T have to: birthday parties for nephews being entirely optional! He’s only 21 once? Yeah, and your baby is only four weeks once.

lucyapplejuicy · 01/06/2022 15:38

I can see how you feel as those first few weeks are TOUGH! But on this occasion I think let him go for the night, you'll be fine, yes it may be hard work and tiring but make sure he knows once he's back that he's on baby duties and your having a rest!

Also with the 5yo I depends if it's a family party in a gold club with buffet and DH or a big booze up in a pub. I'd say he should be fine if other children are going but if your not comfortable tell DH to go alone.

I always alone quite a lot when mine were newborn (had dd 5 and Ds 2 weeks for 3 nights while DH has work trip) and it was fine I worked myself up more before hand

Lindy2 · 01/06/2022 15:39

I think 4 weeks after a c section you should be pretty much ok. Obviously assuming all heals well etc. I think I felt pretty ok after the first fortnight.

I wouldn't have a problem with him and your 5 year old going away for 1 night. I'd make sure you have a fridge full of easy snacks and food so you have plenty to eat without any extra work.

My main issue would be the 5 hour drive and whether any party is worth that amount of travelling. If he wants to drive that far though and it doesn't involve you having to do anything more than spend time with your new baby, then I'd leave him to his organising and driving.

restedbutexhausted · 01/06/2022 15:42

FlatpackHater · 01/06/2022 15:05

sounds as though this plan is done distance in advance and the baby isn’t here yet? If so, I think yourDH should be prepared to re-plan depending on how you are coping physically and mentally.

it’s easy for people to say “enjoy the peace” but I remember times of being absolutely desperate for my DH to get home after a day with a fractious newborn and I was an emotional mess. And 4 weeks after a c-section I was fine, but not everyone is.

I’m with others though that the general idea of a 10 hour round trip in a car being pretty miserable for the 5yo.

These are my thoughts. In theory it sounds fine but you may very well not be coping physically and/or mentally.
4 weeks was when DD started being awake from midnight until 5/6/7am and DH would sleep as he had to be up for work but I remember it feeling unending and my mental health definitely suffered a lot.

And to those saying "enjoy the break", you've clearly all forgotten what newborns can be like or maybe you just had "good" ones Confused

BusterGonad · 01/06/2022 15:43

I wouldn't worry me at all. I find it quite strange how some people find things so difficult to do on their own. You won't have the 5 yo and a baby at that age is pretty easy. I'm sure 4 weeks post C section you will be up and about fine.

restedbutexhausted · 01/06/2022 15:45

stuntbubbles · 01/06/2022 15:35

Well done, OP, you’ve got the cool mums out in force: “I gave birth to premature twins in the back of a car on the M1 in a blizzard and my husband was off down the pub for a lock-in the same night, not only did I manage but I cooked him a slap-up breakfast for his return, it was easy despite the three older children because I had the kind of babies who sleep and also I’m cool”.

No way on earth would I have managed physically alone at four weeks. Would have survived if I had to but the great news is, you DON’T have to: birthday parties for nephews being entirely optional! He’s only 21 once? Yeah, and your baby is only four weeks once.

This. I'm getting a lot of "just let your DH have some fun and let his hair down fgs" from some PPs Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2022 15:46

I don't see the problem with him going, but your son should stay home if they are going to be doing a lot of drinking.

aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2022 15:48

BusterGonad · 01/06/2022 15:43

I wouldn't worry me at all. I find it quite strange how some people find things so difficult to do on their own. You won't have the 5 yo and a baby at that age is pretty easy. I'm sure 4 weeks post C section you will be up and about fine.

Have you had a CSection or read much about the experiences of others who have?

You'd realise how patronising and dismissive this is if so.

Anonymous48 · 01/06/2022 15:49

This sounds great to me. I'm sure you love your 5 year old, but a night just you and the baby with no-one else to take care of? Sounds heavenly.

Of course, that assumes that your husband is capable of taking care of and making good decisions about his son, otherwise surely you wouldn't have had another child with him?

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 15:49

I think it sounds a nice break for you both.
The 5 hour drive isn’t an issue.

I would be concerned about him drinking around 5 yo if he’s the type to act like a twat when he starts drinking.

Is it a family event?
Will other sensible people be there incase DH does get drunk?

Does he often get drunk and act like a dick or is he sensible?

If you’re worried about being alone with the baby you could always invite a friend or sister over for a nice girly catch up without DH there.

CandleSchtick · 01/06/2022 15:50

What peace and quiet? She’ll have a 4 week old baby!

I think pp means relative peace. I had a c-section baby and a 3 year old. Dh used to take 3 year old out to give me some peace. He also took 3 year old to visit relatives some distance away and stayed overnight. When you're used to an active toddler around, a 4 week old baby seemed like an absolute doddle.

Bobbybobbins · 01/06/2022 15:50

I would be fine with this assuming you trust your DH to be sensible with 5 year old. My DH went on a stag do for one night when my eldest was 6 weeks old and 1 night away when youngest was a similar age (though I did go and stay at my parents' that time!)

Dweetfidilove · 01/06/2022 15:50

5 year old gets some good alone time with dad - not a bad thing after newborn booms into the family and takes over mom.

5 year old gets to party with family - lots of fun, spoiling and attention.

The journey may be tiring, but he'll recover quickly.

Mom gets some alone time with 4 week old, who at that time is likely to spend 3/4 of the day sleeping.

If you're not recovering well from c-section your husband can always bow out later, but I can't see the issue right now.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 01/06/2022 15:51

I wouldn't have a problem with this 4 weeks after csection

allfurcoatnoknickers · 01/06/2022 15:52

My DH went on a business trip when DS was about that age. It was fine. I had sushi delivered and mainly lay around at home watching Love Island.

Also, my 18th was a family party earlier in the day, then we all went out on the lash in the evening. I'm assuming the 21st is something similar, not that the 5 year old will be gong clubbing.

Marvellousmadness · 01/06/2022 15:53

He sounds great
He wants to bring the 5yo!
Leaves you with just 1 kid
And if you think you cant manage then ask someone to stay with you for the night
You are overthinking it. Its just one louzy night

Swipe left for the next trending thread