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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

361 replies

SnowBall86 · 01/06/2022 13:56

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

OP posts:
Leontine · 02/06/2022 21:05

I can’t say anything about the c-section bit your 5 year old will be fine at the party. If your DH is invited it seems like it’s more of a family party (even if most of the family are adults) than a piss up.

20viona · 02/06/2022 21:05

I wouldn't mind, and I'd think it was even better than he's taking the other kid too.

missyt84 · 02/06/2022 21:09

I'd just say to wait and see how you're feeling OP. After my first, not a hope could I have coped without my husband. Baby was incredibly demanding and I needed all the help I could get. However, number two was a breeze. At 4 weeks he slept all day and very rarely cried. I would have gladly sent DH off for a night with DS1 to give me a break and a day of watching tv (that wasn't CBeebies!). It might be best to see what baby's temperament is like before DH commits.

Also the 5 hour journey with a 5 year old isn't too bad. We do it regularly. We just plan a midway stop off at a petrol station with a playground attached. If he has a late night at the 21st hopefully he'll sleep on the way home and if not it's your DH who will have to listen to him complain! It's one of those things a 5 year old remembers - getting to be the 'big boy' and go off to a party with daddy and stay up late.

HappyinChester · 02/06/2022 21:21

It’s a family party. They will be other children. Don’t see it as a five hour drive but as a time your 5 year old will get undivided attention to talk and enjoy this adventure.
let him go and have fun. You can concentrate fully on the baby and actually just feed and change without stressing about anything else. Leave the mess for him to clean up when he gets home !

Partytoddle1777 · 02/06/2022 21:47

@baxtersm

Do they ?? That’s news to me. Mine had a toungue tie and rough birth barely napped I was in the worse state you could imagine.

i wouldn’t be happy about this seeing as he can be at home to help you. I was left alone to do some nights 4weeks after emcs /sepsis when my partner had to do night shifts and it was hell, if he can be there then he should.

Partytoddle1777 · 02/06/2022 21:49

I’m jealous of all these people that had “easy going newborns” total opposite for me.

sjpkgp1 · 02/06/2022 22:06

SnowBall86 · 02/06/2022 14:32

Thanks again for all your replies. Plenty of food for thought!

Upon reflection, I think what annoyed me was the fact that staying and helping was never his first thought. First thing he thought of is how to make it to the family celebration with minimal impact on me, admittedly. We don’t have any family around so bringing our 5 yo up I didn’t have any help. I never stopped DH having a night out or a week/weekend away in these 5 years. I always managed and always encouraged him too because I always thought since he works FT his mental health should be our first priority. So it’s not like I don’t believe that I can manage on my own for one night - of course I will. Even if the baby has colic. Back when our son was born, I didn’t even have any friends around either. Which is different this time around.

It’s just that maybe this time around I selfishly wanted him to give up the “fun” bit of life in order to stay and help. So actually I think I’m the one with the issues here 🙂

Awww, bless you for the update @SnowBall86 It's just so easy to get stressed out about these situations, And I really do think it will be OK, actually better than OK !. Your DS and DH will have a lovely time with family and each other. You will have a peaceful time with DC2. You've already experienced what it is like with a newborn, and it sounds like if there was an ounce of bother you would all reconsider anyway. My last (of 4) had colic and it is horrendous, but not all are the same and you will defo be fine xx

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 02/06/2022 22:13

I took my 2 year old to a 21st birthday party.

He survived, and quite enjoyed it actually.

Alcohol was involved but it was very limited. There were other kids there too.

Do you not trust your husband to drink responsibly and care for your child? I think your 5 year old will love it.

Ortega888 · 03/06/2022 05:22

Why don’t you invite a friend or family member to stop with you and keep your son at home whilst DH gets out. Sadly most men cannot cope with a child or baby and this is quite common they want to go out it’s probably more he feels he needs a break. I was once in your position and no I don’t think he should go with your 5 year old. Doesn’t he realise your recovering from a C section and you need all the help you can get your having to cope with a baby too it’s exhausting. I have been in a similar situation so I know how frustrating you must feel. Let us know how you get on.

LucyLeaseExtension · 03/06/2022 06:05

@SnowBall86 congratulations on no2! I haven't had a c-section, but I've had my appendix out, which is about as relative to you having a c section as someone else having one! Everyone recovers differently.

in your situation I'd tell DH that IF I have healed enough to manage the baby by myself then of course I don't mind him going, but as kind as it was to offer to take DS, I think he'd be better staying home. 5 hours there one day & 5 hours back the next day isn't fair on DS when it's not necessary.

but IF I don't feel up to looking after the baby, then he'll need to stay home to look after us all.

any reasonable man would understand that.

Londoncallingme · 03/06/2022 08:14

Your DH going is fine - life doesn’t stop because there’s a baby. At 4 weeks baby will be sleeping most if the time.
i can’t see the harm in sending the 5yr old too unless your DH isn’t very responsible?
personally I’d go as well with baby. Baby will just sleep and you can always pop back to hotel when you’ve had enough.

PurBal · 03/06/2022 08:17

KarrotKake · 01/06/2022 14:21

Would you prefer the 5 year old was at home with you and the baby too? Or all 4 of you to go?
Seems to me DH has done his best to make things as easy for you as he can, whilst still celebrating with his family.

This.

PearlyShamps · 03/06/2022 10:41

DH attended an overnight do (connected to his work) when our DS was only 2 weeks old, and I'd had a c-section. My SIL came and stayed the night to be on hand incase I needed the practical help / adult company. It was a lovely bonding experience for my SIL and her newborn DN.

Is there a friend or relative that might fancy a "sleep over" at yours?

As an aside, the 21st party does not sound like a suitable environment for your DS of 5... its a tricky situation indeed. 😕

Ifeelsuchafool · 03/06/2022 12:32

I've had three c-sections and after one I'd have been ok at four weeks, after both the other two I got an infection and wouldn't have been able to lift the baby at 4 weeks, so it's far too early now to say what state you're going to be in come the day. If he's seriously considering going to it he should be helping you put in place someone to come and stay overnight if it turns out that you're not up to it or be prepared that he may have to pull out of the celebration at the last minute.

Buttonjugs · 03/06/2022 12:41

I’m pretty sure your DH wouldn’t have suggested taking your five year old if it was a lads type party. Children in my experience love these family do’s and there will almost certainly be other kids there. As for the 5 hour journey - only in the UK would we see this as an issue! People take kids on long haul flights all the time, and on the continent and in he US a five hour drive would be nothing. It sounds like a great idea for all of you.

cantbfucked · 03/06/2022 12:51

You’re not being unreasonable but at the same time you will be fine a week after the CSection, you’ll be even better at 2 weeks so by 4 weeks, if you don’t want your 5 year old to go then you would be fine looking after them both.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2022 13:08

cantbfucked · 03/06/2022 12:51

You’re not being unreasonable but at the same time you will be fine a week after the CSection, you’ll be even better at 2 weeks so by 4 weeks, if you don’t want your 5 year old to go then you would be fine looking after them both.

MIGHT would have been a better word to use here.

Original poster
SnowBall86 · 03/06/2022 13:51

@sjpkgp1 thanks! Yes, fingers crossed ☺️ I don’t have much experience with sleeping babies so I’m just going to prepare myself for the worst haha. 5yo is really easygoing so we might just play it by ear weather or not to take DH will take him closer to the date…

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowBall86 · 03/06/2022 14:52

@KettrickenSmiled Thanks 🙏🏻 ☺️ I think it’s the general tiredness together with anxiety about the unknown 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 03/06/2022 15:45

This reply has been deleted

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angela99999 · 03/06/2022 17:28

Mommabear20 · 01/06/2022 13:58

I'd be fine with him going but not with him taking a 5 year old on a 21st birthday

I agree with this. If booze is involved it could be difficult, unless there is somebody there who's willing to take responsibility for your DS.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 03/06/2022 18:24

You're anxious OP and that's totally normal. No baby is the same, just because one was difficult doesn't necessarily mean the second will be the same - keeping my fingers crossed for you 😊Make sure you verbalise needing time away too.

cantbfucked · 03/06/2022 19:58

I’m talking from experience twice over and was also driving! I think if the worst was to actually happen then she wouldn’t be unreasonable to want him not to go and he should also want to stay.

I would be more concerned with my partner wanting to do a 5 hour drive, also with one of the children on little sleep.

IwaswhoIam · 03/06/2022 20:14

I don’t see an issue with it !?

A 5 hour drive is a lot but kids are great at entertaining themselves.

My husband went away for a weekend when our firstborn was a newborn and I was all for it 😆 . The peace and quiet was great . Then again my first born was an easy baby .

autienotnaughty · 04/06/2022 05:45

cantbfucked · 03/06/2022 12:51

You’re not being unreasonable but at the same time you will be fine a week after the CSection, you’ll be even better at 2 weeks so by 4 weeks, if you don’t want your 5 year old to go then you would be fine looking after them both.

You know what they say about the word assume? 😂 but really great that you had such a positive childbirth and child rearing experience.