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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

361 replies

SnowBall86 · 01/06/2022 13:56

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 01/06/2022 14:22

I don't think a five hour journey is that big of a deal tbh with plenty of stops etc.

itsgettingweird · 01/06/2022 14:23

I don't see the problem?

He wants to attend a 21st birthday party of his nephew. He isn't checking out of childcare by suggesting leaving them both with you. I can't see the issue with a 5yo attending the party. What exactly do you think he's going to witness that will scar him?!

And 4 weeks post c section you'll likely be fine. It takes about a week to be able to stand enough for long periods of time. By 4 weeks - unless major complications - you'll pretty much be back to normal.

Scarecrowrowboat · 01/06/2022 14:23

I'd probably suggest keeping 5yo if it's an excessively long journey, other than that I don't see the issue with it. I've had two sections.

TokyoTen · 01/06/2022 14:25

I think it's quite nice for DH to go off with DS to a family celebration. Ok, it's a 5 hour trip, but he can pitch it as an adventure. Sure a night is ok for you unless you are completely bed bound with new DC? Your DH seems to have tried to find a way round things and help (he's not saying he's going off and leaving you with both DC for the whole weekend) so YAB a bit U.

Watermill · 01/06/2022 14:26

I don't see a problem with DH attending the party for one night and leaving you with 4 week old baby. However, I probably wouldn't be happy about the 5 year old going as it's a lot of sitting in the car, and what will happen if he is tired at 11? Will DH stop drinking and leave the do?

MintyMoocow · 01/06/2022 14:26

He wants to take his son to birthday party, Daddy and son bonding time. He will have a fantastic time. It’s a no-brainier?

Hugasauras · 01/06/2022 14:28

IME of these family 18th/21st birthday dos, the birthday person and accompanying 'youths' disappear off into town at about half 10 and it's just the old crusties left Grin

itsgettingweird · 01/06/2022 14:30

Hugasauras · 01/06/2022 14:28

IME of these family 18th/21st birthday dos, the birthday person and accompanying 'youths' disappear off into town at about half 10 and it's just the old crusties left Grin

Sums up our family parties too 🤣🤣🤣

Choopi · 01/06/2022 14:31

It sounds fine to me. 4 week olds are pretty easy going usually. Peace and quiet to bond with baby sounds lovely. 4 week olds are usually pretty easy going, especially when it's your second and you know what you are doing.

ProseccoStorm · 01/06/2022 14:32

I wouldn't mind, it's one night and only one baby.

My DH had to have time away for a few nights when mine were small, it was actually quite nice to have one person less to worry about.

museumum · 01/06/2022 14:33

Sounds to me like there’s about an 80% chance of it being totally fine and no way of knowing till the time if not. So I’d be ok with it as a plan so long as there’s flexibility to cancel at short notice if either you or the newborn are not well.

ElenaSt · 01/06/2022 14:34

Would not bother me at all unless your husband is incapable of looking after his own child.

Livpool · 01/06/2022 14:35

I can't really see the issue with this - but of you do then speak to your DH

fruitbrewhaha · 01/06/2022 14:35

Why doesn't he stay an extra day to break the journey more? Then he can recover from drinking, get DS to bed early so he isn't so tired when he returns.

Worst case scenario your not able to look after baby at 4 weeks so he has to cancel.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/06/2022 14:36

SickAndTiredAgain · 01/06/2022 14:21

My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once

Are you in the UK? Are 21st birthdays particularly special, have I missed that?

Anyway, aside from that, what's the party like - is it a family party? Is it suitable for the 5 year old?

I probably wouldn't have an issue with the night away - although I've never had a c section so don't know how much harder that makes things. However I'd expect the party to be child friendly if he was taking the 5 year old. And I'd expect him to stay if I asked - I think that's the biggest issue, you've asked him not to go, he's going anyway.

You're only age once 😉

Frenchyfrog · 01/06/2022 14:37

For one night sounds fine, and you’ll probably relish being on your own just the two of you. I was pretty much healed by two weeks.

TwuntyFriend · 01/06/2022 14:37

At 4 weeks post CS I wouldn't have an issue with this. It's only for one night, and you will only have your baby to look after. I've had 2 CS, and even with severe complications, I was able to manage on my own at 4 weeks.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 01/06/2022 14:37

He just wants to go to a family celebration with his son. What’s wrong with that?

Seeing as you likely won’t be up for the journey what else do you expect him to suggest?

The only other alternative is that he doesn’t go at all, but that would seem completely unreasonable. Surely you can look after yourself and the baby for one night on your own? Or if it feels too much, see if you can get another friend or family member to spend some time with you. Don’t make him and your son be completely excluded from a family event they’d enjoy.

EinsteinaGogo · 01/06/2022 14:38

Figgygal · 01/06/2022 14:04

Absolutely he should have other priorities at the moment
And im someone who usually would give my dh a long leash

I raised my eyebrows at 'giving your DH a long leash'.

That's a horrible phrase for a human - and a horrible thought.

Imagine a man had said that about his wife.

🤮

RibNSaucyArseCrack · 01/06/2022 14:38

Oh I would have loved my husband to have buggered off for a night (or 3) when mine was a few weeks old 🤣

after 4 weeks you should be ok for a night so I wouldn’t worry too much. And I say that had a massive wimp who milked my C-section for all that I could! At 4 weeks they sleep loads and just want to be cuddled. I’d fill my bed with snacks, choose a few films and have lovely starfishy snuggles and naps.

SmallestInTheClass · 01/06/2022 14:38

Depends how you are post section and if there’s anyone else nearby. I had friends who were practically trampolining and running marathons at 4 weeks, I could barely lift anything, definitely couldn’t drive and was still in a lot of pain. There is no way I’d have felt safe with my little one on my own at home in the middle of the night with no friends or family close by.

Oneforallforone · 01/06/2022 14:41

I wouldn't be able to decide this until I had had the C section and the baby was here.
So I would say to my husband, let's see how we go, tell the family you hope to attend but all depends on my recovery and how the baby is.
If he does go, I would probably keep the 5 year old at home with me as that is a long journey there and back in the time frame.

AnotherEmma · 01/06/2022 14:42

Will there be other children at the party?
I have a 5 year old and I think 2 x 5 hour journeys for just an overnight stay would be a big ask. I would also be considering whether he is likely to enjoy the party (will it be child-friendly? are there relatives he sees regularly and is comfortable with?) or whether he would find it overwhelming.

I would make a decision based on whether it's a good idea for the 5yo to go. I'm not convinced it would be, but it depends on your child and the circumstances. If you think he'd enjoy it (and wouldn't mind the journey too much) I wouldn't object to DH taking him and staying at home with baby. But if he wouldn't enjoy it and would struggle with the journey, I'd say he should stay at home, and wouldn't want DH going to the party and leaving me with both - not at that stage.

I don't think a 21st is that big a deal for extended family. He can always send a lovely present and do something with his nephew another time.

EmilyBolton · 01/06/2022 14:44

Hugasauras · 01/06/2022 14:03

I'm guessing too that the 21st is going to be full of older family members too and not just 21-year-olds?

Yes this is what I am wondering Op?
if it’s a nephew 21st there may be other children around and older relatives like grans …if that’s the case then I think this is a good compromise.
ifnit is just a “lads” do then no, not a 5 year old and either he doesn’t go or he arranges “help” to look after you and toddler and baby for that period.

at 4 weeks theoretically you’ll be fine form the op. Not able to lift heavy things but you’ll be walking and Moving freely and able to lift most normal things. Just don’t lift a pram , but kiddies carrier would be fine if you lift with care. . You shouldn’t be in pain by then. Your body will still be recovering generally from pregnancy and op…but you shouldn’t be tired with that by then. You’ll be knackered with baby though as you know…but 1 or 2 nights is feasible if he doesn’t make a habit of it. C

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/06/2022 14:49

I think it should be approach as follows:

  1. Say he hopes to go, but will have to see how you are four weeks after the birth. He must really mean this and be willing to cancel if needed - with no moaning if you have different ideas about whether he’ll be needed.
  2. Make a proper plan for caring for 5 yo - is he going to remain sober enough to care for him, and willing to bow out of the evening early to get him to bed, or is another family member able to step into those shoes? If this can’t be guaranteed then he doesn’t go.
Those points might be taken as read in some families but not all!