Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

[SnowBall86]

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

I don’t even think the point is whether she’s well enough or not, I just think it’s really disrespectful for either parent to leave each other alone with a baby at four weeks old

I think 4 weeks after having a new baby it's not unreasonable to expect your DH nor to go away overnight. I wouldn't want him to take a 5 year old on a 5 hour journey for 1 night either and i definitely wouldn't want my 5 year old at a possibly/probably boozy 21st birthday party. It is a night time party?

Really! No pain after 4 weeks. Interesting. Must pass that onto my friend currently in and out of hospital with an infected c section scar and a 4 week old. She must be making it up eh. After all c sections are a doddle according to posters on here.

Also have to laugh at the poster who maintains op should sit on her couch near bottle making even if uncomfortable to facilitate her DH heading to a party.

so this thread is where all the mother martyrs are!

I mean you’ve just had major surgery and a newborn but what about your poor husband wanting to go to a party. 🙄🙄

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. In fact my husband went on a stab do for two nights leaving me with a 4 year old and 2 week old. I think I took them to a family party! I imagine there was alcohol involved (not for me as I would have been breastfeeding and driving).

I never said she would be fully recovered, although she might be. But isn't it likely that she will be recovered to the point of being capable of taking care of herself and the baby by herself at that point? I'm not suggesting she cook or do housework while he's gone, just lay around with the baby watching Netflix.

And, as I said, if she's not able to even do that by herself, then he can either cancel last minute or she can ask a friend or relative to stay with her.

😂

Disrespectful? Come on!

Sounds fine.

I was told it's 10 days in the uk.

My son was born abroad and those no driving rules didn't even exist! I drove to the hospital day 5 and 7 to have my staples removed 🤣🤣

@aSofaNearYou - Am I missing something about c-section recovery? As standard, not when there is a complication such as having an infection.

I have had 3. I have a low pain threshold, and not generally “tough” physically and am a bit of a hypochondriac at times. However, even I can’t pretend I was suffering physically a month later. First few days painful enough to need pain relief, sent home from hospital with under a weeks worth of co-codamol (so can’t just be me who expects the pain to be manageable quite soon). Take it slowly for the first couple of weeks.. I always felt fine by week 3 but remembered not to overdo it with the exercise or lift anything heavy as still healing. Job done.

I know quite a few other women who had them, and none of them were hobbling about in pain 4 weeks later.

Of course, OP might have a complicated recovery, but I don’t see any indication that she expects this to happen

Yeah. He should be focused on his wife and baby, not a birthday party in my opinion. I’d be really annoyed in her shoes

My 5 year old cousin came to my 21st. It was in a bar with people drinking and dancing. She had a brilliant time and still remembers it fondly (she's now 21 herself). I think it will be great for your DS to get some one-to-one time with his dad and extended family. His life is just about to be turned upside down and he's just as much a priority as anyone else.

Also, I think a c section is a bit of a red herring. You can have good/bad recoveries from any type of birth. The advantage of a c section is you know the date whereas if you were waiting to go into labour, you could have a 1/2 week old.

I'm 4 weeks post c section & have a (nearly) 4 year old. My DH out tomorrow day/night & not taking either child. However on Saturday he took DS (the elder) out with him for the whole afternoon & gave me peace with DD. I don't have an issue with what he's asking, including the 21st birthday. All our family come to our parties no matter how old they are & the legal age ones enjoy the alcohol 😂

Getting up and walking is also really encouraged, even the day afterwards. No-one needs to lie in bed for a month!

@HairyMclaryz gosh well with such good anecdotal evidence of how you recovered and ‘a few woman you know’ recovered I also don’t see how you can be missing anything about c-section recovery. That’s a comprehensive review right there!

I never said she would be fully recovered, although she might be. But isn't it likely that she will be recovered to the point of being capable of taking care of herself and the baby by herself at that point? I'm not suggesting she cook or do housework while he's gone, just lay around with the baby watching Netflix

It could go either way, it's just the use of the word "unlikely" to describe taking longer than this to be sufficiently recovered, which is perfectly normal, that I take issue with. It just adds to the annoying, prevalent mentality that women who aren't immediately back on their feet are just making a fuss.

If her baby is bottle fed she'll likely be up and down the stairs to sort them so it's not as easy as just lounging in one place.

, @HiltonB - Do you have anything different to share , anecdotal or not? it might be helpful to OP.

How do you think single mums manage? It's one night!

@aSofaNearYou It just adds to the annoying, prevalent mentality that women who aren't immediately back on their feet are just making a fuss I agree and am actually gobsmacked at the responses to this thread.

re bottle feeding a previous poster suggested op should then sit on a couch near bottle making equipment all day/night as the solution - even if this is uncomfortable for her it’s much more preferable than upsetting her dear husband and his wants to go to a party. 🙄

Also agree with @ForestFae there is a new baby and a wife recovering from major abdominal surgery here. The nephews birthday should be very far down the list of the husbands priorities. Unfortunately like the mummy martyrs here he also seems to believe that this shouldn’t get in the way of his social life and his wife should just put up and shut up. 🙄 when did women lose all their standards for how they are treated.

I don't see the problem as would have been fine with DH doing this. I would have welcomed the opportunity to not have to divide my attention between two children. I would even suggest that they're better going away for two nights to break up the journey.

My DH was away 2 nights a week when he went back after paternity leave (2 weeks) and I was fine, however I didn't have a C-section.

I think if you say an absolute no at this stage your DH will likely push back, and rightly so, I would suggest being no commital and saying that he can go if you are recovering well from your C-section, that way you are not being unreasonable and also he won't get too much of a shock if he ends up missing out.

@Figgygal

urgh you don’t have to sacrifice your whole social life when you have kids you know!

For me, it would come down to what type of celebration this birthday party will be and whether I trusted my husband to remain sober enough to be responsible for your DS. I'd also expect him to be aware he might have to cancel his plans if I was feeling ill or having a difficult time and needed him there.

I'm a bit befuddled by why it's so important that he be there to celebrate his nephew's 21st birthday. I would think most 21-yo men would rather be off with their friends than hanging out with their uncles, unless this is a family-only event. If it's a non-boozy family-oriented night, I wouldn't have a problem, assuming I was up to caring for the baby on my own for a night.

Well, I don't know the exact percentages, but I assume that the majority of women are well enough 4 weeks after a C-section to cope by themselves, which is why I used the word "likely". I didn't mean to imply that if that's not the case then it's abnormal, so I certainly meant no offense to anyone who takes longer than that to recover.

4 weeks isn't exactly immediately, either, is it? (As in your comment about being "immediately back on their feet".)

I'm not sure about the whole stairs thing. Do you know the OP and the layout of her house personally? My house is all on one floor - maybe hers is too. Even if her bedroom is upstairs and the kitchen downstairs, why would she be up and down the stairs all the time?

Again, if she does have stairs and she is having a hard time with them at the time, the plans can be cancelled at the last minute. But there's no reason to assume that this will be the case.

I would be happy and would keep the 5 year old with me.

If I didn't trust my husband to be responsible enough to take care of our son, I certainly wouldn't have conceived another child with him!