In a difficult position - upsetting

[chippys]

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

@NeverDropYourMooncup He is telling the truth unfortunately

Given the way he ended things and the fact that your DD is unlikely to find out otherwise, I would protect my DD from this situation.

My DS had a very good friend who died of a rare cancer when he was about 11, and it really affected him badly. You say this poor child has plenty of other friends and a good support system, and I am suspicious of your XP contact.

It seems like it is more probably it is him who needs your support and he is using your/his DDs as leverage. That doesn't sit right with me.

I would send a kind but decisive message like the one a PP wrote.

Personally my instinct is to say I wouldn’t for everyone’s sake and especially so at a really challenging time, it might cause heightened emotions which couldn’t be returned.

She is 9.

Difficult one.

Ignore the relationship between you and this man and focus on what's best for your child and his child.

How will she cope with being reunited with a previous part of her life, who will not be with her for much longer? Will she be able to cope? Are you able to help her do so?

And how is the other child?

I'd swerve, to to be honest.

I also doubt his intentions at putting you and your child (and his child) in this situation.

Oh OP, such and awful, awful situation. I honestly don’t know how I’d feel or what I’d do if I was actually in your position but as an outsider looking in, I would say your main priority has to be protecting your DD. With this I mind, I wouldn’t be exposing her to the potential hurt and pain that seeing her ex step sister could bring.

Oh thanks. I thought I saw a post saying she was 11/ 12.

At 9, I would probably not say anything as she is unlikely to question why you didn't tell her or be mad that her friend wanted to meet up before she died and you didn't let her. An 11/ 12 year old could be very upset by that but a 9 year old less likely.

I think you should ask your DD what she wants. I know as a mother your gut instinct is to protect your child. However your daughter may resent you if she finds out later down the line that her friend was dying, you knew and didn't give her the chance to say goodbye.

It’s not fair for this man to dip in and out of your DD’s life as and when it suits him. His daughter got well, and he ended things with you (infront of your DD). Now his DD is ill again, he wants your involvement again. If she recovers, he’ll dump you again. If she’s terminally ill, he’ll dump you when he no longer needs you as a crutch. Protect yourself and your DD.

Hi X,
I’m so sorry to hear your awful news about DD. I don’t think getting together is a good idea, but we will keep DD in our thoughts.
Chippy

I would probably tell him that you don't want any contact with him, nor do you want any contact between him and your DD given the way it ended, but that if he wanted to pass on your number to his ex, if his DD continues to ask for your DD then that's something the two mums can discuss the ramifications of together.

If it's genuinely on behalf of his DD, he would have no problem with this. If he's looking for something else from you then it also calls his bluff.

No worries Mid :)
OP calls her a 'pre-teen' in her OP, which I think caused some PP to say she is 11/12. But then the OP came back and clarified that she is 9.

What would your dd want to do? And if she was dying what would you want your ex to do? She's going to he upset either way, someone she loves is dying. Personally I'd let the children have the interaction but limit interaction with your ex.

Just read your update. My daughter is 9.

Just leave it be. Do not get involved. All very sad for the child involved (obviously) but there is absolutely no need at all to reconnect. Your daughter has moved on, as kids do.

Some good (kind) messages on here to send him.

For the child who is dying, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
For your own daughter, who will go on to grow up glad that she got to be a true friend and got to say goodbye, her heart will be even bigger.
The abrupt ending your DP offered won't get to mark the end of their friendship.
Give the children this win.

I lost my two friends when I was a child. The grief was enormous... bigger than me. But the loss of them also made me a much better human being. I took stock of this life and gave great thought as to who I wanted to be. I still give this great thought. I learned the value of love, of giving, and living at a young age. Your daughter will learn this too, in the hardest of ways, but she'll be alright.

Are you suggesting that terminally ill children should all be made to end their days without seeing their friends, so their friends can be shielded from the fact of illness and death?

BLATANT Straw Man alert.

Nobody is suggesting that. They are suggesting that OP's DD, who has already been cruelly treated & abandoned by the sick child's father, & who is only now getting over witnessing his parting shot "you both make me sick & never contact me again" & losing her childhood near-sister, should NOT be subjected to this man's whims again.

They are also suggesting that a plan of "remember your dear near-sister whose dad was so mean to you & mummy? Well ... there's good news & bad news ... how about we do what her mean daddy wants now, & go for play dates, so you can watch her die? Doesnt that sound fun?!" is not a safe scenario for OP's 9 year old DD in any way. Let her keep forgetting. It's appallingly sad, & that is why DD needs protecting from it. This is her little friend who has already been ripped away from her once. She doesn't need to experience it all over again, plus double whammy of bereavement, survivor's guilt, & all the complicated emotions from the previous abandonment resurfacing.

For thise suggesting that OP's DD will be traumatised IF she hears about the little girl's eventual death some time from now - be logical.
She MIGHT hear about it. If she does, her clever mummy will explain that yes, it's really sad, we knew she was poorly & got better, so this is so sad & we will always remember the good times we had with her.
NOBODY is going to be telling the bereaved child "mummy had a chance to make friends with the mean man again, but said no, so you didn't get to see your friend die". Except maybe this ex. He sounds manipulatuve enough - which is why he must be kept away from DD at all costs. Even contact via the mother (problematic in itself for several reasons) exposes OP & her child to more boundary-testing & control from this man.

He was never horrible when you were together though-just one comment to your DD as he left? I think fir he, it would depend on what he said that day. And what DD wanted to do,

This he is hoping for your emotional support etc so it would be a no from me.

my parents - my father in particular cut me and my children off for no bloody good reason except he was a narc and wanted to control us I’ve had counselling for years and for me I know they will get back in touch when Ill wanting support and the answer is no. You didn’t want a relationship in the good times so I’m not going to be there in the bad.
Your daughter has grieved and dealt with the loss - don’t stir it all up again.

My initial thought was yes to your DD seeing his, but, unless the girls have kept in close touch for the last 6 months then why risk putting your daughter through a traumatic experience? If she was a teenager I would let her make her own mind up but only you know how your daughter is going to feel.

I think I'd say No, How upset will your DD be when this poor child dies?

OP needs to talk to her daughter about this. It simply isn't one of the options never to mention it as her daughter will at some point find out if his daughter has died. Keeping such a thing secret would be completely wrong and a huge breach of her daughter's trust. If the daughter doesn't want to see her, then obviously it doesn't happen. If she does, then OP can think about how it could be done.

I absolutely disagree that she should agree anything without consulting her daughter.

I think your daughter's been through enough. It is unlikely to make much difference to the other girl who has also by this time probably processed contact being cut off so suddenly. You daughter has had enough and she's your responsibility. It's a very hard one though.

She's NINE. You don't ask a child of nine to decide whether they want to get reacquainted with their mothers ex boyfriends daughter before she dies, ffs.

Because she is NINE. And why would she ever find out anyway?

Him involving your daughter in his breaking up with you is really shitty behaviour.

"Our DD's were quite close but his DD does have other friends for support so not sure why he thinks our girls suddenly need to start seeing each other again."
I don't think it your girls he's thinking of here. I think he's thinking of himself, and shifting some of the emotional load off his shoulders and on to you. More shitty behaviour. (I'd also wonder whether he had put the idea of a playdate into her head. Or, indeed, if she had expressed the wish at all.)

"I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close."
To be blunt, his daughter is dying. How would that affect your daughter? You've said that you yourself at devastated at the news, so how will she take it? Right now, your daughter thinks that his daughter is well. I 'd be tempted to leave her thinking that. One playdate would lead to others, and then your daughter gets to be caught up in his daughter's death, being in contact with a man who has upset her and you, and probably witnessing more shitty behaviour from him as he leans on you.

I would put my daughter first here and text back how sorry you are to hear of his daughter's illness, and that you don't think a playdate is appropriate. I simply wouldn't give him the chance to fuck up you or your daughter's lives through his own selfishness.