In a difficult position - upsetting

[chippys]

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

But OPs DD wants to see the other child and if the child dies and DD hasn't been allowed to see her that's potentially very harmful too. Are you suggesting that terminally ill children should all be made to end their days without seeing their friends, so their friends can be shielded from the fact of illness and death?

I think this is a little different though. They have not seen each other for months following the painful break-up for their parents, they are not school friends who'd be in touch anyway and OP is now starting to keep them apart because the girl has become ill.

OP's DD need never know this request has been made if she says no, so it would not be harmful that she has not been 'allowed' to see her as she'd never know the chance had been there.

Realistically, this dad has not reached out until now to reunite the girls, it very much seems like he's looking for the support from OP himself rather than being pushed into this by the girls' friendship, which has not pushed him into action until now.

OP,

You have been given some interesting perspectives from posters like@FatCatSkinnyRat but I still think that you need to be wary.

What year in the six year relationship was his daughter ill?

If he found it painful to see your daughter well, and that was part of the reason he was so unkind to her, what can you expect from him if his daughter is dying.

Your child is so young and is obviously a sensitive little thing, I would tread so carefully.

I would go so far as to seek advice on how best to approach this in a way that protects your child at all cost.

He behaved very badly and hasn't mentioned it, yet expects to be accommodated now that he has gotten back to you after 6 months?

After deliberately wounding your child, an upset that took months to recover from?

How much worse will this be for her?

Don't rush into any decision either way.

Spot on. Your DD really doesn't need to be put through this.

No, it would be a no. Your DD was treated shabbily by him and rekindling a relationship between your girls at this point in the poor girls state of health will just mean more grief for your DD. She should be allowed to close that chapter on her life. I feel awful for his DD but you can’t let him use your DD especially after how he spoke to her.

I think the updates suggest they were close, and they both apparantly want to see each other now. I agree the mother is the more appropriate route though.

No way. Move on. End of.

@billy1966 It was the last 2 years of our relationship that she was ill. She got the all clear then he finished with me about 5 months later.

Even worse.

He was so hurtful to your child, months after his daughter got the all clear, and had been so kind to his, during her illness.

Nope. I think let sleeping dogs lie, especially as there is no cross over in circumstances.

Definitely protect her from him.

Even if his DD is asking for your DD (which is not at all clear) - it's not you whose made that impossible, it's him. And since he did so, you cannot sacrifice your DD for his.

Really, it would be 2 sacrifices - once over the way he treated her, and again over the likely devastation (including survivors guilt, fear of her own death, etc) the death of his DD will cause your own.

Do not subject your daughter to this situation, OP. It has the potential to be very, very messy - for years to come.

Someday, when she's old enough, you may want to share the sad news that the girl she once had a close connection to sadly got ill again, but not now. Don't put her through it.

In your shoes OP, I wouldn't be considering this at all. You'll be showing to your daughter that it's OK for someone to be mean to you, not apologise or show any remorse but still expect to be provided with deep support whenever they asked for it. It's really sad his daughter is going through this and you can decide if you would like to see her again and provide support but I'd leave your daughter well out of it.

It sounds so sad and difficult. I agree you could talk with your daughter, maybe read a little about how to talk to children about death. If she wants to have some contact you should arrange through the mother. It would be worth talking to a counsellor, through an appropriate charity if possible before acting. I don't think children need to be shielded from death, but helped to come to terms with it.

I agree with the cynical posts regarding the man. I would not allow him any access to yours or your DD's life.

However, I looked at this from your future DD's point of view.
When she finds out that her old friend (sister level friend) has passed, would you be prepared to tell her? If she ever expressed sadness or regret at not seeing the girl before she passed, then found out she's been invited to and you never told her.........she may suffer resentment and deep upset.

A child will not feel good being lied to in retrospect. There could be future issues there.
She is old enough to make her decision in the present, but I appreciate how that impacts you, which is also very important.

It's a tough one, and so upsetting because the girls are not the problem, and it is a shame they can't see each other because of this. I wish you all the best in wrangling this out.

I know you say you don't know the mother well, however it's still her I'd be reaching out to. A mother to mother situation in the face of her losing her child, she might even be grateful? Did she see your DD much or did she not know her?
Steer well clear of him especially if you aren't over him, it's a big no go and I'd imagine he's craving that emotional support you gave him before (which tbh I don't blame him for wanting but it's not appropriate)
Whatever choice you make good luck and also I'm very sorry for the situation, you yourself must be feeling it all aswell having had a relationship with the girl xx

If it was me, I think I would allow the girls to meet and have literally nothing to do with this man outside of that one single issue.

This is entirely do-able, but only if you trust your own resolve not to fall for his bullshit or if you still harbour feelings for him. This here is the real problem - he can only have a negative impact on you if you let him. You are in control here.

I also appreciate how seeing him again may cause your DD some distressing memories. I would honestly ask her if she wanted to or not, with no pressure, and an open mind. Then do whatever DD wants and keep this man at a very, very full arms length. Don't allow him any way in.

OP,

Also, 5 months after his child had been through such a rough year, a year that both you and your daughter were a kind strength, he brutally cut HIS daughter off from this source of support, that had been through so much with her, who understood what she had gone through?
.

Honestly, who would do that to their child?

It is unbelievable that a parent would do that to their own child.

He put himself so far ahead of what was best for his own child.....not to mind his deliberate unkindness in having a break up conversation in front of a child.

He sounds so self absorbed.

This is a tricky situation to be sure.

Whatever you decide about the playdate, I think you need to explain to your DD that his DD is unwell. I've seen the fallout of a situation where the death of a friend wasn't shared with a child and that child found out - 6 degrees of separation is a real thing. Children can be very matter of fact about illness and death - if they are prepared for such. There are charities which offer support to siblings in just this situation, eg www.lullabytrust.org.uk/bereavement-support/supporting-brothers-and-sisters/. Might be worth checking out their suggestions.

The only think i would suggest about the playdate - contact her mother to say you have heard the DD is unwell again and would she like meet. Even if you don't know her very well, she will know the girls have spent a lot of time together.

This man is the reason the block and delete options exist on social media and mobile phones. He’s shown you that he’s capable of being cruel and unpleasant to your child. It’s sad about his daughter but she isn’t part of your life any more. He told you he wanted no more contact so it’s ok to ignore his message and block him.

He's a user. Don't let him to your lives again. Your dd matters too.

I have only read OP's posts and based on those, no I would not agree to the playdate.
I would be sceptical that his DD asked for this playdate prior to her (very sad) diagnosis, rather that your ex's situation is not ideal and it would suit him nicely to get back together, or at least in contact, using the girls (in particular his DD) as pawns. That puts him in a very bad light, but from what you've said he didn't consider the feelings of your DD (a child close to his own DD) at all.
That doesn't set a good precedent.

Honestly, this could be out of a Jodi picquet novel in terms of being a total no win situation fraught with emotional trauma. In a way I can see why the relationship faltered- hard to live with someone who has a daughter the same age as yours who has a LL illness and not wish the situation was reversed and then hate yourself for thinking that. Doesn't forgive his behaviour at the end, and I'm not sure how this can end well. However, presumably the girls are now in their teens and capable of having an independent relationship. I'd ask DD if she'd like the other girl's number and leave it at that, having made is abundantly clear to the father that he's not to be involved in this friendship at all.

Apologies- I thought you meant pre-teens when they met. I now see that she's 9. In that case, no, I wouldn't permit the rekindling on any basis.

I’d do this - contact the mum first.

Thne once I had more information I would talk it all through with my DD. I’d be honest with her about the diagnosis and realistic about what the end might be like for the other child.

id explain there’s no easy choice here for you DD.

1. she says no to any contact and she feels guilty when the other girls dies
2. she tries limited contact, finds she’s doesn’t like it / can’t cope and stops. Then as above.
3. she get completely involved, supports the girl to the end and has to deal with her own grief and loss. And the the family might cut her out at the end ( that often happens to childrens friends ).
4. you don’t tell her and she’s furious at you when she finds out.

i think a play date as a first option is WAY too much. It should start with texts o and then phone / zoom calls so both girls can see how it goes.

Whatever happens, I’d trying to go via mum if possible and minimise contact with dad.

BTW I’ve been in both situations - having a terminally ill child and then years later a child’s friend being critically ill.

Stop calling this child your child’s ex step sister , according to your OP you didn’t live together so at best she was your boyfriends daughter , yes they may have been great friends but they were not family . Your daughter is 9 don’t make this an issue for her .

“I’m so sorry to hear that x is unwell again. Wishing all the very best for her treatment. On balance, I don’t think that it’s a good idea to reopen old wounds and reconnect the two of them. Take care.”