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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a difficult position - upsetting

289 replies

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:30

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
honeybeetheoneandonly · 31/05/2022 15:27

I would block him on everything and not tell DD about the diagnosis either.
If you do want to reply you can say your peace.
"Hi Alan, I'm sorry to hear about Chelsea. That's really awful news.
It does not change the fact that you walked out on us without an explanation. You clearly didn't care about us or the aftermath you caused. It took DD and me a long time to move on. I will not be opening that door again."

MarvellousMay · 31/05/2022 15:27

I would say no.

youlightupmyday · 31/05/2022 15:27

My daughter of a similar age would want to help her friend and has a small part in the decision process. However I would not agree with his involvement.. Only through her mother or not at all. He does not deserve more.

I also assume that you cared for her too, so this is hard on you as well. I would go by the mantra as do unto others etc.

Good luck and a quick non MN hug

Testina · 31/05/2022 15:28

@PrisonerofZeroCovid the girls are only 9.

My daughter’s BFF (complete with many sleepovers) from Y5 is now someone she hasn’t spoken to from Y6-Y8. Sometimes they do actually move on quickly from friendships created by convenience based on familiarity rather than true friendship. Not always, but I think it’s worth keeping in mind that just because they spent a lot of time together, doesn’t mean they have that deep a relationship.

ddl1 · 31/05/2022 15:28

I am sorry to hear all this.

I do wonder if he is exaggerating the situation to blackmail you - but I would rather risk being manipulated in this way than risk refusing a child one of her dying wishes.

And in particular I think it is wrong to deny a sick child the company of friends because they might find it hard to cope if the child died. That would be adding isolation to the sick girl's pain; and might result in your own child feeling even more distressed in the long run.

That being said, don't let him use this to get you back. Let the children meet with as little contact with him as possible. If you can make the contacts through the girl's mother, even it feels a bit socially awkward, that would be much better than the alternative.

RobertaFirmino · 31/05/2022 15:31

It really isn't on for a 12 yo to have all this responsibility dumped on them. It might seem like 'just a play date' but the reality is that your DD would be forced to relive many negative feelings. A dying persons happiness cannot be dependent on a pre-teen.

FuchsAndMöhr · 31/05/2022 15:31

5128gap · 31/05/2022 14:35

Of course. But OPs DD wants to see the other child and if the child dies and DD hasn't been allowed to see her that's potentially very harmful too. Are you suggesting that terminally ill children should all be made to end their days without seeing their friends, so their friends can be shielded from the fact of illness and death?

Show quote history

Absolutely not but the OP’s daughter doesn’t even know the illness has returned let alone said she wants to see her.

This is absolutely not about the child but the ex!

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 15:35

Difficult, but I wouldn’t. Your daughter was deeply hurt and it took her time to get her equilibrium back. By reintroducing her you run the risk of destabilizing her again imo, as she’ll be in the position of having to watch as she loses her friend to illness.

Testina · 31/05/2022 15:37

Beatrixpotterspencil · 31/05/2022 15:10

If it was me, I think I would allow the girls to meet and have literally nothing to do with this man outside of that one single issue.

This is entirely do-able, but only if you trust your own resolve not to fall for his bullshit or if you still harbour feelings for him. This here is the real problem - he can only have a negative impact on you if you let him. You are in control here.

I also appreciate how seeing him again may cause your DD some distressing memories. I would honestly ask her if she wanted to or not, with no pressure, and an open mind. Then do whatever DD wants and keep this man at a very, very full arms length. Don't allow him any way in.

I don’t see how it’s possible to guard against this man’s potential future behaviour having an impact though.

Sure, if OP says she’ll host play dates only without him.

What does she say to her 9yo when she says, “but why can’t we all 4 go to Alton Towers together?” (or the girls with him)

And say OP is strong through that and explains why not (good luck with phrasing that in a way that doesn’t make a 9yo feel awkward and dragged into adult issues).

What then is the 9yo becomes close to the other girl again, and dad decides to end the relationship between them (non cynical version: because he can’t cope with a same age girl who is healthy or cynical version: because OP doesn’t want to be his emotional support or even girlfriend again) and cuts off the play dates.

Yes sweetie, I know Amelia is dying and you want to be with her, and she’s become your bestie, but her dad says no.

That’s not about boundaries. OP’s boundaries can’t control this man’s potential behaviour.

Testina · 31/05/2022 15:40

@ddl1 “but I would rather risk being manipulated in this way than risk refusing a child one of her dying wishes.”

I don’t think it helps to phrase it emotively in terms of “dying wishes”.

If the father is telling the truth, she asked for a play date before the scan. So not a dying wish at all.

Original poster
chippys · 31/05/2022 15:42

@Floralnomad They went through a hell of a lot together and your only concern is that I've called her a step sister when they didn't live together?!

OP posts:
Hallyup89 · 31/05/2022 15:42

If you only broke up at the end of last year then you're only talking 6 months ago. Your daughter and your ex's daughter were 'sisters' for half their lives before that. Surely it'll be upsetting for your daughter regardless of whether you let them see each other again.

I'd say yes, but on the basis that you have the girls at your house by yourself. Your ex might be an idiot, but give the kids a break.

Walkingalot · 31/05/2022 15:43

I'm also suspicious of the timing. I think he misses the support you and your daughter gave and is looking to establish that again. It would be a no from me. I wouldn't, as others have suggested, have the girl round yours with no contact from him. How would that work when she gets sicker? Your DD isn't old enough to handle this herself.

Beseen22 · 31/05/2022 15:45

I think I would probably seek some advice from a professional to be honest.

They were referred to as step sisters for a period of time, you describe them as close and your DD was there for her through her treatment. I think the initial reaction for every parent is to protect our child from all hurt and would absolutely be to just keep it from her. If you read all the advice from macmillan/Winstone wish/sue Ryder this is every parents initial reaction. Obviously over the shorter term this shields them from the pain but over the longer term this can cause more damage.

All advice seems to be to be honest and simple in explanations, at 9 they have an understanding of the concept of death. Children are very well in tune with their parents and she may already have picked up that you are a bit stressed/sad about a terminal diagnosis for a child you were at one point close to. When they pick up that parents are stressed they can begin to imagine what might be wrong and become anxious.

You just have to glance at the stately homes thread to see what affect decisions our parents made in childhood/teenage years have on our mental health for years to come. What happens if she stumbles across a photo of her and the other girl when she's 16 and finds out the full story and that you didn't allow her the choice to say goodbye?

When I did placements in hospice we often had kids visiting and i personally feel it is a positive thing and allows them to see a deterioration and its not such a sudden shock but I'm aware that's a very controversial opinion. I would consider having a chat with someone at school who has training with potentially traumatic situations to try and find out the best way to support her.

averythinline · 31/05/2022 15:51

Absolutely not..... this is not for your dd benefit...or yours...so i would just reply sorry to hear then block him..

He said he was sick of you and her and left... take him at his word

I bet hes looking for nurse maid support..

chiangmai · 31/05/2022 15:51

I would step away from this. Its not a nice situation but to drag you and your DD back into it is not acceptable. Your DD has already dealt with losing your ex DD as a friend. The young girl hasnt reached out to see her its your ex. He treated you both badly and he needs to seek his support from elsewhere.

CupidStunt22 · 31/05/2022 15:54

chippys · 31/05/2022 14:13

@BIWI No my DD doesn't know anything, I've not told her that he's been in contact or her ex step sister is poorly again.

She was never her step sister.

Don't do it.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 31/05/2022 16:02

What is best for your daughter?
You can't make everything and everyone right - but you can protect her.

I can see that his situation was a tough one - and his behaviour could be forgiven in the circumstances ...but if you forget his behaviour, you could be setting yourself and your daughter up for more hurt.

ATadConfused · 31/05/2022 16:02

RobertaFirmino · 31/05/2022 15:31

It really isn't on for a 12 yo to have all this responsibility dumped on them. It might seem like 'just a play date' but the reality is that your DD would be forced to relive many negative feelings. A dying persons happiness cannot be dependent on a pre-teen.

@RobertaFirmino she's only 9

@chippys I've thought about this a lot before posting. I've gone back & forth. But finally have come down in the side of

'Hi Fred
Thank you for letting me know about Sarah, I am upset/sad/devastated she meant/means a lot to me &DD. I will keep her in my thoughts.

However, it has taken DD all this time to stop missing you & Sarah and being absolutely devastated by the way you walked out on her. It was unacceptable to treat my DD the way you did. There's no way I'm exposing her to your unkindness again.

Best wishes
chippy.'

I feel very sad for his daughter and even for him as a parent, but your DD is 9 and doesn't need to have him even remotely in her life again. As far as she's concerned her EXSS/friend is well & happy. DD has also been through a lot for a 9 yo, she's just got used to them not being in her life, it would be unkind to immerse her in their lives again.

I did think maybe it was unkind not to give her the chance to say good bye, but I've come down in the side of 'she's had to do that once' and it's complicated because 'Sarah' might not know her illness is now terminal & you'd have to lie to DD as you couldn't expect her to keep that confidence.

I'm sure we'd all do what we could if it would change things for Sarah, no one wishes her anything but the best & it's not fair her Dsd acted like a bastard, but I'm sure she's just got over having you & DD in her life too and it's maybe not the best for her to have it all stirred up again.

Thsts without getting into how bad this would be for you!

'Sarsh' xx

@FatCatSkinnyRat I'm sorry for all you went through. I totally understand you having 'gone off' but the difference here is that you have apologised & tried to make amends, he hadn't even admitted he was a total cunt to the OP & her young daughter.

SarahProblem · 31/05/2022 16:03

"I'm really sorry to hear about DD, I was very fond of her. However, I will not be arranging a playdate or meeting you in any way. Please stop contacting me".

Then get on with your life without him. He sounds awful.

cuparfull · 31/05/2022 16:06

No I wouldn't allow it as I'd want to protect my own childs mental health. Does your DD need this emotional burden given the potential end result. Don't get involved it could be a ruse by him. He treated you both badly once and will do it again. He had no concern about upsetting your child at the time he left.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/05/2022 16:06

Is it even certain that he's telling the truth - and it isn't the case that he's just been dumped by another woman and is lying to get you/support/sex/sympathy?

Midlifemusings · 31/05/2022 16:10

I wouldn't start a friendship back up again. However given your DD is 11/12, I might let her know at some point that his DD isn't well and not going to make it. I think she is old enough to know that information and it would best come from you. Especially if there are any mutual friends / acquaintances and she might find out from someone. I would then take her lead on whether or not she wants to see her again.

Derbee · 31/05/2022 16:11

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:00

And from a purely selfish point of view I'd hate for DD to get that friendship back and have to deal with the outcome of his DD's illness. Also, I'm still not completely over him so ideally would rather not see him!

That’s your decision made then. NO

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 31/05/2022 16:12

GenderAtheist · 31/05/2022 15:25

I’d do this - contact the mum first.

Thne once I had more information I would talk it all through with my DD. I’d be honest with her about the diagnosis and realistic about what the end might be like for the other child.

id explain there’s no easy choice here for you DD.

  1. she says no to any contact and she feels guilty when the other girls dies
  2. she tries limited contact, finds she’s doesn’t like it / can’t cope and stops. Then as above.
  3. she get completely involved, supports the girl to the end and has to deal with her own grief and loss. And the the family might cut her out at the end ( that often happens to childrens friends ).
  4. you don’t tell her and she’s furious at you when she finds out.
i think a play date as a first option is WAY too much. It should start with texts o and then phone / zoom calls so both girls can see how it goes.

Whatever happens, I’d trying to go via mum if possible and minimise contact with dad.

BTW I’ve been in both situations - having a terminally ill child and then years later a child’s friend being critically ill.

Show quote history

Just chipping to say I fully agree with Testina & Gender here… excellent advice from both
Also consider what BeSeen has said too - regarding future implications.
I was involved with a few workshops with mainly primary school kids about death and grief (I’m not an expert, just a volunteer helper) and it is a complicated subject. Lots of anecdotal stories but generally I would say shielding/protecting from hurt feelings now is likely to bite you in the backside in years to come
Good luck with your decision