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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a difficult position - upsetting

289 replies

chippys · 31/05/2022 12:30

I've had to change a few details or this would be outing.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we both have daughters the same age (pre teens). We didn't live together. During those 6 years his DD was diagnosed with a very serious illness. After a whole year of treatment she was given the all clear.

At the end of last year my ex broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation or reason, was rather mean to my DD on his way out the door and I didn't hear from again. Until this week. I received a text to say that his DD had had her usual 6 month scan and the illness had returned, with the outcome this time being that she's not likely to get better, even with treatment. Of course, I'm devastated.

My ex said that the last few weeks his DD had been asking to see my DD (this was before the scan results) and would I be ok to meet up with them for a play date.

This is where I'm stuck. I know my DD would love to see his DD again, however, the way he left us with no explanation, and the way he spoke to me and my DD at the end was awful. I had to console my DD for months when he left as they were very close.

It seems that he wanted to arrange a play date even before he found out the terrible news. I would have said no then, but now I feel like if that's what his DD wants then I should of course say yes. I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 16:57

ddl1 · 31/05/2022 15:28

I am sorry to hear all this.

I do wonder if he is exaggerating the situation to blackmail you - but I would rather risk being manipulated in this way than risk refusing a child one of her dying wishes.

And in particular I think it is wrong to deny a sick child the company of friends because they might find it hard to cope if the child died. That would be adding isolation to the sick girl's pain; and might result in your own child feeling even more distressed in the long run.

That being said, don't let him use this to get you back. Let the children meet with as little contact with him as possible. If you can make the contacts through the girl's mother, even it feels a bit socially awkward, that would be much better than the alternative.

They are no longer friends, because there has been NO CONTACT since OP's ex dumped them both with a side twist of verbal abused & walked out saying "DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN."

The sick child has family, & other friends.
If OP's ex had wanted them to stay friends, he could have facilitated that. But as his DD was well when he skipped off on OP, he saw no need to be kind to either his child or OP's. He's only back in touch because he wants a nursemaid & an emotional dumping ground.

I can't understand the PP who would willingly engage their child in horrifically sad melodrama, when the alternative is to simply let childhood memories fade, & DD move on with her life. There is simply no need for DD to revist this: OP has already said that there are no connections meaning that if/when the girl sadly dies, that DD would learn of it by chance.

gotthis · 31/05/2022 17:03

I think there is a possibility the DD would find out, just by asking what happened to the other child, or from mutual acquaintances. It also means the OP would have to be dishonest or lie to her DD, unless she tells the truth to her one day after the fact.i understand some parents may think dishonesty is the best policy in this instance. I would struggle with that, and also the ethical example we should give to our children. I do think advice recommendations given by posters here would help.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 31/05/2022 17:06

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 16:57

They are no longer friends, because there has been NO CONTACT since OP's ex dumped them both with a side twist of verbal abused & walked out saying "DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN."

The sick child has family, & other friends.
If OP's ex had wanted them to stay friends, he could have facilitated that. But as his DD was well when he skipped off on OP, he saw no need to be kind to either his child or OP's. He's only back in touch because he wants a nursemaid & an emotional dumping ground.

I can't understand the PP who would willingly engage their child in horrifically sad melodrama, when the alternative is to simply let childhood memories fade, & DD move on with her life. There is simply no need for DD to revist this: OP has already said that there are no connections meaning that if/when the girl sadly dies, that DD would learn of it by chance.

Show quote history

Exactly. Asking a 9 to make this decision would be putting an unfair amount of responsibility on her shoulders to avoid OP having to make the decision. The parent has to make the call here.

OP, I'm getting the impression from your posts that you don't want the girls to meet up again, but want reassurance because it's such an emotionally loaded situation?

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 17:08

Redlocks28 · 31/05/2022 16:41

He was never horrible when you were together though-just one comment to your DD as he left? I think fir he, it would depend on what he said that day. And what DD wanted to do,

Imagine you are 8 or 9, & the man you have viewed as a daddy figure for 6 years, whose little girl you loved as a sister, one day suddenly told you "you make me sick, never contact me again", & walked out on you.

Really think about that.
OP's little girl had to, for 6 months. She's only just getting her equilibrium back now.
Still reckon there's no harm in "just one comment"?

DD must never see this man again, & it won't help her to reconnect with the girl she loved & is now getting over losing.

zafferana · 31/05/2022 17:09

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:14

@Testina He basically broke up with me in front of DD. We were all sitting on the sofa and he literally stood up and told me that he was sick of me, said the same to DD and then walked out telling me never to get in contact with him again.

Based on that - he could fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck!

It really does sound like he's trying to guilt you into doing what he (or possibly his DD - but I'm not convinced about that), wants.

He can break up with you, but the way he did it is appallingly selfish and I wouldn't allow him back into my life, if I were you. I also agree that why would you allow your DD to get close to his DD again, given the situation?

Just say no OP and don't feel guilty. This was his choice. He's getting what he wanted.

fuckoffImcounting · 31/05/2022 17:12

He's a user, protect your daughter. This is a potentially very traumatic situation which could adversely affect her mental health.

Floralnomad · 31/05/2022 17:13

chippys · 31/05/2022 15:42

@Floralnomad They went through a hell of a lot together and your only concern is that I've called her a step sister when they didn't live together?!

No my concern is that you are making more of the relationship than it being 2 little girls who were friends because their respective parents were in a relationship . Step sister implies a strong bond that would perhaps carry on after the parents had divorced which is obviously not the case as they’ve not seen each other since the split .

HaggisBurger · 31/05/2022 17:16

chippys · 31/05/2022 13:14

@Testina He basically broke up with me in front of DD. We were all sitting on the sofa and he literally stood up and told me that he was sick of me, said the same to DD and then walked out telling me never to get in contact with him again.

I was on the fence a bit til I read that. No, it’s very sad that his DD is ill but he made his choice (and executed it in an immensely cruel and immature way).

I’d wish his daughter as good an outcome as possible with her treatment but regretfully his behaviour has made it impossible for your family to have any contact with his.

Prioritise your DD and yourself.

Bouledeneige · 31/05/2022 17:17

You could offer your DD to meet up with the other girl - he doesn't need to be involved.

You would be just as justified to ignore it and move on. You owe him nothing. Don't get drawn back in.

HideousKinky · 31/05/2022 17:18

After reading all your posts OP I think on balance it would be no from me

JustLyra · 31/05/2022 17:20

Not a chance.

Your 9yo needs protecting from this man.

She’s spent 6 months getting over his cruelty, she doesn’t need to face that again. Let alone with the loaded emotions behind his DD being terminally ill.

If you could 100% trust him to not be nasty to your DD then it would be something to consider, but since you absolutely cannot trust him to give one shingle shit for her well-being then it’s not something I would do at all.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2022 17:24

Bonjovispjs · 31/05/2022 13:06

Please don't do this, he just wants to use you and it will be you and your daughter who end up being hurt again!

This is the way I'd see it too.

He hurt you (but you are an adult and when adult relationships break down then people feel hurt) but he really hurt your daughter. You're her advocate. Be there for her. Don't let him hurt her again.

Bonbon21 · 31/05/2022 17:25

The girls have already been parted.... this will just make it harder.... to actually have to say goodbye again...
Let your daughter move on.
He wants you around to handhold....take some of the pressure of himself... and then when everything sorts itself out... one way or another... what will he say then...??
He is trying to use you..
Dont put your girl through this.

greatblueheron · 31/05/2022 17:26

It would be a definite 'No' from me.

I would not be putting my 9 year old in that position again ... being used essentially by him to make his daughter feel better after he treated her so awfully for no reason when he walked out on you both. I wouldn't trust him.

courgettigreensadwater · 31/05/2022 17:27

@chippys If you filter this thread with only your posts I think you can see you can answer your own question clearly. Do what is best for you and your DD. X

Hutchy16 · 31/05/2022 17:28

Tell him to do one…he is clearly using his daughters illness and that’s really awful.

I don’t think your daughter will benefit from being back in his daughters life only to lose her…it’s sad if his daughter is asking to be in touch, but you do have to look after yourself and your daughter and this heartache isn’t fair

Hutchy16 · 31/05/2022 17:29

courgettigreensadwater · 31/05/2022 17:27

@chippys If you filter this thread with only your posts I think you can see you can answer your own question clearly. Do what is best for you and your DD. X

That’s what I did before responding, it made it easy to decide

BadNomad · 31/05/2022 17:30

I would request an apology from him to your daughter first before you even consider involving your daughter in something that is going to end in heartbreak for her.

Wartywart · 31/05/2022 17:30

I've read through everyone's replies and your description of how he broke up with you, and I think there's two options:

a) tell him that if his dd genuinely does want to see yours, then she can come to yours but that you want nothing to do with him because of his uncalled for cruelty towards your dd;
or
b) tell him no, sorry, you want nothing more to do with him because of his uncalled for cruelty towards your dd

If you choose b) he may well try to guilt-trip you based on his dd's illness but stick to your guns and don't enter into any discussions - don't 'explain' any further.

nordicwannabe · 31/05/2022 17:32

This is such a tough, sad situation. He's naturally doing anything he can which might help or comfort his terminally ill daughter, regardless of emotional cost to anyone else. And who can blame him?

But you must act in your daughter's best interests. Unfortunately, it's not clear what is:

She might well want to be there for her friend, and later- even as an adult - be angry and upset that she wasn't given a chance to see her again.

On the other hand, going through her friend's terminal illness and death would undoubtedly have a life-long impact on your daughter. Maybe not all bad, but certainly it would be a significant trauma.

I honestly don't know what I'd do. As a pp said: for a current friend, I can't imagine not telling her. But for a friendship which has ended, which she already grieved and put in her past, to rekindle it knowing what lay ahead? I don't know. I certainly wouldn't judge you if you chose not to. I'm so sorry you're in this incredibly sad situation - there are no good choices.

Thereisnolight · 31/05/2022 17:34

It would be a no from me.
Your DD - currently happily living her life - will become embroiled in a lot of emotional upset - all for a man who treated her and her mum like shit on his shoe.

UniversalAunt · 31/05/2022 17:37

With such high stakes for each of the DDs, I would contact her mother directly.

You are genuinely fond of her DD so your approach would be gentle, thoughtful & supportive, & both of you seek to protect your DDs from being misused & hurt.

Eventually your DD a will find out how seriously ill her ‘sister’ is, either now or after she dies, & possibly the kindest thing for both girls is to have contact sooner so that they can share some time together as best they can. It would be cruel for your DD to find out after her sister had died that she’d wanted to see her & possibly damage her trust in you.

I suggest that you side step the Ex, he’s got his own stuff going on & understandably is deeply upset about his DD, BUT that does not allow him to co-opt your DD in to this tragic situation.

Be direct with the mother, express your love & support of her DD, & work out from there what, if anything, can be done for the girls.

When the time comes for grief & tears, it be easier to bear if there has been joy & shared memories. Tough for kids so young.

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 31/05/2022 17:40

It is very sad, but it would be a very firm No from me. I think you need to protect your DD and from everything you have written, I don't think getting in touch again would be in your DD's best long term interests (or yours for that matter).

Superslide · 31/05/2022 17:42

After reading all your posts on this thread, it would be a 'no' from me. I wouldn't put my child through the trauma of it all.

IncompleteSenten · 31/05/2022 17:50

It's terribly sad of course but his daughter will have him, her mum and people who are actively in her life.
This smacks of what he wants. To get his feet back under the table with you feeling too sorry for him to remember that he told your daughter he was sick of her then walked away.

I think it would be a mistake to agree to this.

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