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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not all 16 year olds are like this ?

168 replies

Despairingofdd · 30/05/2022 19:00

Really need opinions on whether this is “normal” teenage girl behaviour. I have a 16 year old dd. We’ve just had another screaming match due to her lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m working from home, she’s on half term but I feel like even though she’s 16 I spend a lot of time doing things that she can and should be doing herself. Today I made all her meals & delivered them to her room apart from her dinner which I made her eat at the table with me. I asked her to wash up her dinner plate & wipe down the table & as always she started moaning about doing it, accusing me of being in a bad mood (just because I asked her to wash her own plate, not even the pots or pans!). She never gets herself a drink, expects me to do it, never gets herself a knive & fork etc etc. I’ve just had enough. She is so lazy.

when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child. It’s the fact she doesn’t want to help. She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”. She waited until I’d finished a work call today for me to make her lunch rather than make her own lunch.

I love her dearly but right now so don’t like her. I have told her she gets not one penny from me in future unless she starts pulling her weight.

I know this is my fault. She has always treated me as her servant & I’ve allowed it mistakenly thinking I was being a kind & loving parent. Instead I’ve created a monster.

Do other people have teen girls who aren’t like this?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2022 19:04

I wasn't like this. I had to pull my weight from a young age. She's kicking back against you having expectations of help after her previously being spoiled.

LakeTiticaca · 30/05/2022 19:10

Just stop doing it . Washing, cooking, waiting on her hand and foot. Getting her a drink? Are you actually serious?
No wonder she won't don't anything for herself!!

QueenofLouisiana · 30/05/2022 19:12

Mine is a DS rather than a DD, but no he isn’t like this. Today I made lunch and he got drinks ready, he helped me put stuff in the loft and walked the dog.
We have disagreements, but the last time he screamed at me he was about 13 and there was a lot going on in the background. Definitely not something he’d do now.
There are expectations about jobs he does as part of an adult household (not chores). He walks the dog, sorts out the bins and helps his grandparents in the garden once a month (more in summer).

Topgub · 30/05/2022 19:12

No this isn't normal but its sounds like it's a monster of your own creation

Stop enabling her.

Why isn't she in school?

PinkWisteria · 30/05/2022 19:12

Stop enabling her otherwise she has absolutely no reason to change her behaviour.

Darbs76 · 30/05/2022 19:13

Yes OP you know the answer to this, you’ve created a monster. I do a lot for my kids too,
so not knocking you for that. But the minute one of them started speaking rudely to me or refusing to do stuff then personal consequences would be coming their way. Go on strike. Let your daughter get a taste of life doing stuff for herself if she’s going to be rude to you. You need to change though OP, don’t put up with being treated like this.

to answer your questions no not all 16yr olds are like this. But I’m sure yours is far from the only entitled rude teen

Darbs76 · 30/05/2022 19:13

@Topgub - because it’s half term

Libre2 · 30/05/2022 19:14

I can’t quite understand why you are getting her drinks and meals when you’re working and she’s not. When my 11 year old shouts “Mum can I have a drink” meaning “Mum can you get me one” I holler back “yes of course, you know where the tap is.” She’s asking less and less and DS (13) doesn’t even bother asking.

I know, I do know, that 16 year olds are very, very difficult and I am not looking forward to it at all, but please stop facilitating the lazy behaviour. Just stop doing things.

Good luck.

purpleboy · 30/05/2022 19:14

You've hit the nail on the head, you've created this by thinking you were doing nice things for her and 'caring for her' but now you know where you've gone wrong you can at least start to address it and put it right.
She has to start taking responsibility for herself. If she wants a drink she can get it herself, if she wants food she can make it herself.
You are not her maid and the sooner you nip this in the bud the better it will be for everyone involved. It won't be easy because she won't be used to it but, for your own sanity start putting boundaries in place. Good luck!

HDready · 30/05/2022 19:14

It’s half term

Picklerick42 · 30/05/2022 19:14

Topgub · 30/05/2022 19:12

No this isn't normal but its sounds like it's a monster of your own creation

Stop enabling her.

Why isn't she in school?

It's half term?

Topgub · 30/05/2022 19:15

Its half term

Oh.

Not here

Eupraxia · 30/05/2022 19:16

*She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”

Hmm, yeah. That's unlikely, to be fair.

That aside, you're enabling her. You can't blame her for bring the product of her parenting. You need to alter you behaviour

MarshaBradyo · 30/05/2022 19:18

Don’t take meals to her room

I have a just 17 y.o who really isn’t like this, but you do need to stop enabling it

NancyJoan · 30/05/2022 19:19

No, it’s not normal. Start small. Show her where the breakfast/lunch things are, and she can make her own. Dinner is a good time to eat together, so make that a nice meal to share.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2022 19:20

I don’t think all teen girls are like this, but in the same breath I don’t think all mums/dads enable this type of behaviour. My kids couldn’t do this because if they waited for room service they’d starve! Same with no clean clothes. They bring their clothes down to the washer and ds who is older washes his own kit. If he doesn’t he goes to football/karate in non uniform and gets told off by his teacher. I’ll remind him the night before if I remember but I see it as his responsibility really, and being told off by the teacher is the natural consequence of not bothering to do it. And he’s only 11. So maybe just stop babying her and let her stand on her own feet. I mean do you still even need to cook/prepare lunch for someone that she daily? I had a baby at her age! She’s well capable of sorting her own meals, she won’t starve if you don’t deliver it.

DelilahBucket · 30/05/2022 19:21

Stop doing it. Tell her you won't be doing her washing/cleaning/cooking from now on if she isn't going to help and you need to actually stop. She isn't going to starve. If she wants clean clothes she'll have to wash them.

catsonahottinroof · 30/05/2022 19:21

Mine is quite lazy and her room's a mess, but she does make her own lunches and drinks and has started putting her washing in the wash basket. I think you should stop getting drinks for her and taking food to her room. Maybe make sure she has enough clean uniform for the next couple of weeks given she is in the middle of exams, just to avoid any stress. But, after that, let the natural consequences happen.

bert3400 · 30/05/2022 19:21

Just stop doing stuff for her . I have 4 kids ranging from 31 - 13 and none of them have ever talked to me or treated me that way. You need to get firm with her and have some self respect for yourself. It will be a tough battle and a hard lesson for both of you but you can not go on being treated this way

Bonkerz · 30/05/2022 19:21

I'd say

the messy room ✅
Spending with of time in room ✅

The rest of it is just disrespectful and not acceptable. My dd is 16. She's half way through GCSEs.

Yes I have to force her down for food but she happily eats with us and helps with minor chores etc.

Her mood is slightly low lately but she's stressed so I'm riding this wave and hoping it sorts out.

I think you need to sit her down. Ask her what's wrong and what you can do to help and maybe set some minimum base rules you expect.

TheChild · 30/05/2022 19:22

Stop doing it all. She is 16, she can make her own damn lunch for gods sake.
She doesn't put washing in and ends up with no clean uniform? Not your problem. Actions have consequences and if she can't become a functioning member of the family then that's on her. My 8 year old DD does more than your DD does. Please stop babying her, you're doing her no favours.

ConsuelaHammock · 30/05/2022 19:22

Change your expectations. Stop making her food and drinks for a start. Give her jobs to do and a set time to complete them. Show her how to use the washing machine. My daughter is 16, she isn’t lazy.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2022 19:22

Just reread my response and it makes me sound a bit mean. I’m not some harsh mum who would sit enjoying myself while my kids are sitting without dinner or clean clothes! But at the same time I don’t see the need to be delivering every meal to the bedroom of a girl of 16. I will admit I have slightly skewed views of it because at 16 I was very mature, caring for me and ds easily etc. I think it’s kind to occasionally cook a nice breakfast, it just wouldn’t occur to me that you’d need to deliver three meals a day to a teen in her bedroom and wash all her clothes for her.

Cameleongirl · 30/05/2022 19:23

My DD is just 17 and isn’t like this. I do sometimes spoil her, but I don’t run around after her.

Just stop doing it. Tell her that she needs to make her own lunch, etc. going forward and let her get on with it.

LovePoppy · 30/05/2022 19:23

Why are you pandering to her?

Tell her to make her own lunch. Let her have dirty clothing.

you can fix this

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