To think not all 16 year olds are like this ?

[Despairingofdd]

Really need opinions on whether this is “normal” teenage girl behaviour. I have a 16 year old dd. We’ve just had another screaming match due to her lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m working from home, she’s on half term but I feel like even though she’s 16 I spend a lot of time doing things that she can and should be doing herself. Today I made all her meals & delivered them to her room apart from her dinner which I made her eat at the table with me. I asked her to wash up her dinner plate & wipe down the table & as always she started moaning about doing it, accusing me of being in a bad mood (just because I asked her to wash her own plate, not even the pots or pans!). She never gets herself a drink, expects me to do it, never gets herself a knive & fork etc etc. I’ve just had enough. She is so lazy.

when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child. It’s the fact she doesn’t want to help. She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”. She waited until I’d finished a work call today for me to make her lunch rather than make her own lunch.

I love her dearly but right now so don’t like her. I have told her she gets not one penny from me in future unless she starts pulling her weight.

I know this is my fault. She has always treated me as her servant & I’ve allowed it mistakenly thinking I was being a kind & loving parent. Instead I’ve created a monster.

Do other people have teen girls who aren’t like this?

My 12 yo is like this. I should probably address it while she is still a semi-reasonable human being! Trouble is DH does everything for her (then moans about it....).

Half term I've made my 6 and 9 year old lunches buy if my 11yo and 14yo want something different they get it themselves.

They almost always make their own lunch, my 6yo gets most of his own drinks!

You need to stop taking them to her, if she misses lunch it won't do her any harm, she will get food when she's hungry.

Two years older than her I was running my own house with a baby she needs to step up

My 11yo washes his own kit because we don’t do a wash daily and he generally needs things washed by themselves. So his karate uniform needs putting in alone. He takes it right out of his bag to the washer and puts it on the right spin. I hang it up to dry that night. It’s not exactly like I’ve signed out of parenting him, it’s a small job he’s able to do for himself, rather than putting it in the washing basket (same amount of effort) for me to then sort it.

I think a lot of people really baby their kids. For me part of seeing my family as ‘a team’ as you’ve said is everyone pulling their weight in the house and family running, not mum doing everything for them.

Question why you feel the need to still do stuff for her even though she is way past the age when she should be having all stuff done for her. Where is her Father?

I would just go hardcore and not wash a thing or cook for her. Come school uniform day I would say tough. I had DS doing chores from a young age not just to help but to learn the life skill. But I’m from a culture where discipline and respecting your parents is rarely questioned. I was not a tiger parent but I was way stricter than DS English friends who seemed to just do what they liked.

@Kanaloa it's not mum doing everything! It's my children hanging out all our washing at the weekend!! It's me putting it on in the week as I work part time and they are at school from 730- late with clubs 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's children making me a cup of tea and making a family meal when they can, it's me being a parent on my day off as I'm there to catch up with stuff

So then it’s not very different? How is your kids hanging up washing any different than mine putting a wash on? It’s hardly slave driving to ask a child to take some small responsibilities.

Don't know why I feel the need to justify myself (time to get off mumsnet!) but an example is me and dh went out for a meal on Saturday so my children cooked for themselves. They don't expect everything handed to them.

My eldest wanted something from the basket that wasn't ironed so ironed it, had a bit of time and ironed some of my stuff too. IMO this is team work. Mum doing everything certainly isn't!

But then it’s surely no different to my kid washing his sports kit? How is you expecting your kids to iron their clothes and hang up washing different than me expecting mine to put a wash on? That’s what I was saying. There’s no big difference, it’s expecting the kids to take some responsibility.

Well if she wants a drink she makes it.

If she wants lunch or breakfast she makes it.

Don't have biscuits etc available as an alternative.

If she starts screaming you ignore.

I'm really shocked you make drinks for your 16yo.

I do more for my 17yo ds than most because he has a physical disability and autism. But he does everything he can himself. I often question how much I do and if he could do more - so I've asked his neurologist for an OT assessment.

If you make her dinner and she refuses to tidy up don't make it the following day.

If she doesn't put clothes in the wash she goes in dirty uniform.

OP I would decide what you'd like her to do and then find the gentlest way to instigate it bit by bit.

Start with when she asks for a drink say, it's fine for you to go make yourself one. No argument no fight. If she makes a fuss completely ignore it. If she doesn't have a drink then it's her choice. Also tell her her meal is on the table don't take it to her anymore.

Let that settle for a few days and then tell her you'd like her to make her own breakfast from now on. If you think she doesn't know how to do it then show her. Otherwise leave her to it. Don't argue about it just say 'you're old enough now' and don't get into it beyond that. Ignore any moaning or shouting.

From there gradually build up, let her get used to one thing and then introduce the next. It's taken years to get to this point so if you do a sudden u turn she's going to feel extremely resentful, do it this way and she will gradually get to where you would like her to be.

I wasn’t like that as a teenager, I was independent by 16. My parents were happy to leave me for a few days while they went away.

I have a 12 year old boy and he never asks for a drink he goes to the kitchen and does one for himself. He also will grab a snack himself and has made sandwiches if I’m on a work call.

Kindly, I think not all parents of teenage girls are like you.

Things that stand out for me:

• At 16yo if she doesn't have a clean shirt because she didn't put it in the wash, that's her problem

• if you didn't deliver meals she wouldn't starve

• it takes two to have a screaming match. I (try to) treat teenage tantrums the same as toddler ones and ignore until they've calmed down.

Sorry op you've created an entitled madam . My 14 dd can be a diva make no mistake but she gets herself things to eat and drink and knows how to work the oven. Even my 9 ds get his own breakfast and lunch if needed.

You need to nip this in the bud now or she will treat you like shit forever and won't be able to cope in the real world. Can she get a little part time job? That might bring her down a peg or two with regards to what is expected of her as an almost adult.

These type of posts always seem ridiculous to me. Why don't you just stop! Stop bringing her drinks at the very least. If she's incapable if doing that for herself then God help her.
Also how does it get to this point? I was a moody bratty teenager who snuck out etc. But I don't recall my mum catering to me.

The only way to get her too appreciate what you do is to stop doing it.
If she has to wear dirty uniform that's her problem.
I wash my teens clothes and cook some of their meals, but if they are ungrateful or rude, they have to do it themselves. If they don't say thank you for a meal or a lift I remind them, and they know the consequences.
Stop taking her any meals, she should be leaving her room to eat - no wonder it's disgusting.
Basically put your foot down and mean it.

I have 2 boys 15 and 17, currently at home on half term. I am WFH, they are (I think!) revising for exams. One is tidy, one isn't. they both get their own lunch and drinks. They aren't brilliant at washing up, but unload and (sort of) load the dishwasher. Maybe she's particularly stressed about GCSEs, and the timings isn't great, but she isn't exactly pulling her weight. For what is is worth, I think my boys should do a lot more.

Is she in the middle of exams currently?
I'm cutting my 16 year old a LOT of slack at the moment as she's working very hard and pretty stressed. But it would never cross her mind to ask me to get her a drink (I'd offer if I was getting myself one) or to make her lunch as she knows she will get short shrift.

So agree with others, you need to start setting some ground rules and expectations. If she is in the middle of exams, I'd personally wait until they were over though, I'd think.

I agree. No point suddenly bringing in changes for the first time in the middle of GCSEs

WOW she’d get a short sharp kick up the arse from me (not literally). You’ve definitely created a very entitled brat.

jobs my DDs do
10yo empties dishwasher after homework, tidies kitchen table, lounge when needed, tidies own room, puts hers and sisters clean clothes away, hoovers, mops, makes her and sisters sandwiches, makes herself egg butties & cups of tea, cleans car out, helps little sister tidy her room.
8yo everything above except sandwiches, butties & tea, she loves to dust and hoover the stairs…
4yo helps put her own clothes away and helps sisters tidy her own room.

Obviously all these jobs arnt done at once usually, this weekend a lot were as we did a spring clean. The 10yo wants a phone so will be taking on more responsibility helping around the house to prove she’s capable of being responsible before we buy her one.

Now the jobs they do arnt always done to my standards but they are learning to take care of the home they live in. I expect some push back as teenagers but also hoping if these jobs become a natural thing for them to do around the house then there won’t be too much push back.

I will happily wait on my DDs, make them favourite meals even if it involves cooking multiple things, take them shopping, make sure they get everything they want for bdays and Xmas, but they need to learn from an early age that taking care of themselves and their home involves doing jobs they may not like. Thankfully they don’t complain, they know once they finish then they can go on devices, go out, watch movies, generally do what they want.

Why would you get her a drink? Let her get thirsty.

Why wash her clothes? Let her have dirty uniform.

You need to let her feel some discomfort. She'll soon work it out!

I still make drinks and lunch for my 16yo- the difference is that he also makes them for me, like two adults who might ask each other if they fancy a cuppa. I think the problem is not that you do nice things for her- nothing wrong with that- but with her expectation that you do them, and that she doesn't need to do any for you.

I wouldn't stop doing anything at all for her, not least because she's presumably mid GCSEs and this isn't the right time for major upheaval (sorry if I've got this wrong- have only read part of the thread). I think I'd make changes gradually, starting with the washing- that's literally for her benefit alone and she won't even bring it down!

Personally I wouldn't like everyone making their own meals- seems a bit wasteful and I enjoy eating together. So on that, I'd perhaps give her one meal a week to cook for the family and go from there.

I'd also have a read of Prof Sarah-Jayne Blakemore's book on the teenage brain.

I’m willing to let it go with not putting dirty washing in the washing machine if they were doing well in school and polite

Op's daughter isn't polite though.

As above, try introducing gradual changes.'it's not right how your DD is behaving.

I have a 17yo. I went out yesterday evening. She cooked her own dinner and cleaned up the mess I had left in the kitchen. (I thanked her profusely - she did a very good job)

She’s like this because you’re allowing her to be like this. My children are 9, 10 and 12 and they make their own breakfast and lunch too unless it’s a cooked lunch. They certainly don’t have me running around after them even getting them drinks and they’re much younger than your DD! She’s treating you like a servant. Stop doing everything for her and she will have to do it for herself, she won’t just sit starving and thirsty. With the uniform, she either washes it or she doesn’t. Not your issue when she’s 16, if she wants to go in dirty uniform that’s her choice.