To think not all 16 year olds are like this ?

[Despairingofdd]

Really need opinions on whether this is “normal” teenage girl behaviour. I have a 16 year old dd. We’ve just had another screaming match due to her lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m working from home, she’s on half term but I feel like even though she’s 16 I spend a lot of time doing things that she can and should be doing herself. Today I made all her meals & delivered them to her room apart from her dinner which I made her eat at the table with me. I asked her to wash up her dinner plate & wipe down the table & as always she started moaning about doing it, accusing me of being in a bad mood (just because I asked her to wash her own plate, not even the pots or pans!). She never gets herself a drink, expects me to do it, never gets herself a knive & fork etc etc. I’ve just had enough. She is so lazy.

when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child. It’s the fact she doesn’t want to help. She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”. She waited until I’d finished a work call today for me to make her lunch rather than make her own lunch.

I love her dearly but right now so don’t like her. I have told her she gets not one penny from me in future unless she starts pulling her weight.

I know this is my fault. She has always treated me as her servant & I’ve allowed it mistakenly thinking I was being a kind & loving parent. Instead I’ve created a monster.

Do other people have teen girls who aren’t like this?

I have 2 dd's and they were not like this at 16.

DD1 is naturally very tidy. She would offer to make lunch and help out around the house at that age.

DD2 is quite messy. Her room would often be messy, but she would come down and eat with us. She would rarely offer to help out but would do things if we asked her to. She would also make her own lunch, get her own drinks, etc. I would make sure she had clean school uniform as she wouldn't think to put the washing machine on.

I have a nearly 16yo boy on half term and he has to cook his breakfast and lunch when he fancies it and we have dinner together. He's fine with this arrangement and made porridge from breakfast and scrambled eggs on toast for lunch today.

He is responsible for putting dirty laundry in the wash basket and it's only taken 2 or 3 times of having to wear something off his floor for him to pick up all of his dirty clothes and put it in his wash basket.

He is lazy with the dirty cups and plates but if nagged will pop them into the dishwasher every couple of days and will empty his bin the day before bin day. I know that's not great but as it's exam season I won't push for more.

It’s surely not normal teenage behaviour? To sit around waiting for mummy to make you a sandwich and fetch you an orange juice? Refusing to wash your clothes? That’s a bit much and her mum shouldn’t need to put up with it and just ‘wait till she goes to uni.’

The teens in my family are not like this. Neither are those of my friends.
I doubt that any of them
Are thinking 'poor mum has to work so I'll help out'. They just know what's expected of them and what chores they need to do.
It's going to be really difficult for you to make changes now. Either catch her in a good mood and have a chat or send her a text message to let her know you're busy and she needs to help out today.
Time to get tough and stop acting like her skivvy.

When I was 16 I looked after myself and my younger siblings for weeks at a time. I also worked part time and managed my own school work.

The idea of not being able to get her own drink is ridiculous

yeah yeah I think the OP gets it now. You can all stop piling in.

Ime 16 year olds are lazy and would never offer to wash up, or anything else they can get out of doing, and her room being a tip is pretty standard but, delivering food to her bedroom is ridiculous. Some compromise is needed, I wash my dcs clothes, but they have to be in the basket, I prepare their meals, but they eat them at the table. I don't pick up after them, if their room is a mess I close the door, but if they want to have friends back, they need to straighten it up.

Mine is lazy and spends most of her time in her room. But she has to eat with us and is responsible for cleaning up after herself and keeping her room reasonably tidy. I have spent YEARS telling my DC that I am not a bloody skivvy and they are expected to contribute in some way.

Isn't she revising? I am helping with meals because my 16 year old is revising loads. She's still clearing the table and setting it but I'm not expecting her to do her washing!

I don't expect her to do the washing but do expect it in the linen basket (which she does)

No, OP, my 16yo dd is not like this.

Her room is a terrible mess right now, undoubtedly, but she knows that it needs tidying and I don't nag her about it. It bothers her more than it bothers me tbh - I don't go in there!

Apart from that, she is delightful. She works hard in school and in her PT job. She is polite, respectful and grateful when I do stuff for her. She does her own laundry (including changing her sheets and towels without being reminded) and she helps with stuff in the kitchen - always puts her own stuff in the dishwasher and sometimes does that for me and her dad as well, helps put the shopping away, sometimes does a bit of cooking. Occasionally she will hoover the whole house (but only when she has tidied her room and already has the hoover out!😅) I offered the other day to help her take her washing out of the machine because she had forgotten about it and left it a bit late - her response was "no, you relax, they're my clothes". If I'm working, she lets me get on with it without interruption.

She does spend a fair bit of time in her room/ on her phone, and she is out with friends a lot, but she makes a point of spending time with us as well, always eats downstairs with us when she is at home and always communicates about where she is, what she is doing, when she'll be home etc.

I have no complaints. Not saying this to make you feel worse, but to give you an idea of what it might be reasonable to expect from a kid of the same age.

My two had messy bedrooms at that age, I left them to it after one too many arguments. When they wanted friends to stay it was suddenly spick and span!

The other stuff she should be doing herself. At 16 she can wash her own clothes and make meals for herself, never mind getting her own cutlery or drinks. She sounds very spoiled so you've not done her any favours - as I'm sure you can see!

My daughters were very selfish at times and could be absolute hormonal horror shows but it does pass.

It’s normal around my friendship group and when my DC where at home. A lot of the comments saying no my 5 year old child does this - mine did too at that age but it seems the older they get the more lazy and pushing boundaries they get. Have to pick and choose your battles. I’m willing to let it go with not putting dirty washing in the washing machine if they were doing well in school and polite. And don’t worry OP as I said when they move out or go to uni they will quickly learn how to cook and look after themselves!

No mine was a bit grumpy for a few years (14-16) and I often had to tell her to do things twice but she was never rude or disrespectful and I would have gone mad at her if she ever was.

I couldn't read past this

..when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

Be lazy ypurseld and let her go to school in dirty clothes

I don't think this is normal at all. Mine is a year younger and if she's at home she will make herself a simple lunch (pasta with cheese and butter, sandwich, ramen, egg on toast etc) or heat up leftovers from the fridge. She isn't allowed to eat in her room though I don't mind if she wants to take her lunch and eat it in front of the TV. She isn't necessarily that proactive about chores, but she will ask me 'is there anything I can do to help' and I will ask her to put a wash on or hang one out or do the washing up or whatever. She will do whatever I ask without complaint even if it's not much fun.

I think perhaps you need to have a good long talk with your daughter about all this and make some changes.

My 13yo is lazy but he still brings down his dirty washing and occasionally makes me a cup of coffee. He eats with me because I'm not hoovering crumbs or collecting mouldy plates from the rest of the house. If he didn't, he'd go hungry.

Just stop. Stop allowing her behaviour. Stop making her drinks or serving her meals. Stop fetching her washing, introduce her to the tumbler dryer. Let her go to school in dirty clothes a few times. Ignore the screaming and the name calling.

She'll soon get the idea. When she finally does a load of her own washing, take her for pizza 😀

Oh and my DD has cooked all her own meals since she was 13 - she is a bit lazy putting stuff in the dishwasher but does it if asked. Her room is messy but that doesn't bother me.

My nearly 16 year old is lazy but nowhere near as bad as this. Don't get her drinks she can do it herself.
Don't do her washing, no clean uniform is her problem.
Don't take meals to her, presumably she can get them herself.
Screaming at you tell her calmly you will talk to her when she can be civil.
You know what you need to do and it's going to be hard but worth it.

It's tough. You'll struggle. But you stop.

I always call my lot to the table but the table isn't set. They come and lay the table before getting their food.

If they sit down in a huff I don't fetch them cutlery or sauces. They just glare at their plate whilst we all eat.

It doesn't last long, they soon realise they've got a tea going cold or are missing out on seconds.

Clothes for washing. If they aren't in the wash basket they don't get washed. Firm stand on this.

My daughter went through a stage of smelly uniform for three weeks! It was for her sports. She'd come home and drop it in the floor. Then the following week is get a mouthful about it still being dirty. Stand off until the following week when it was still on her floor, where she'd dropped it.

Silently it reached the wash basket after that third sports session!
So I guess you'll have three weeks of a smelly cross teen.

If lunchboxes don't make the kitchen sink, emptied ready to wash, they don't get washed.

Eventually they realise.

In the morning I get up, washed dressed. Make a pot of tea. Wake teens up with a cup of tea into their hand, they have to wake up to hold it. Then I potter in the garden 🪴
It's not my stress, it's their choice to be up or not. If they are late they have to explain why. I don't.

If they want feeding and expect me to get breakfast or lunch then I'm clear. If I feel like making it I will, but it's on my terms. I cook a healthy evening meal but I'm not making food for the masses throughout the day. I have four teens. I'd not get out of the kitchen!

Eventually they gain life skills.

Teenagers have the knack of being majorly grumpy. Don't fall for it. Just be clear and stick to your rules.

That is ridiculous behaviour. My 16yr old DS makes his own breakfast and lunch & clears all his dishes away. He does spend a lot of time in his room but we usually eat dinner together as family and occasionally he’ll makes it for us all. I do all the household laundry but he brings his dirty clothes to the basket. His room is a bomb site but I’ll pick my battles!

I don’t think you’re helping your DD by babying her. Tell her she can make her own breakfast and lunch. And if she doesn’t do whatever you need for laundry…well she can wear dirty clothes. She’ll learn soon enough.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Stop making her food. If she doesn’t make it she goes hungry.

Stop doing get washing. If she has no clean clothes then she smells and her schoolmates will let her know.

Stop cleaning her room. Let her know that floors and surfaces need to be clean. Give her fair warning and, if they are not, go in there with a no bad and remove what is still on floors and surfaces.

Dont be malicious, do give her warning and explain the rules, be calm but strict.

You are doing her NO favours by letting her treat you this way. You owe her this - to show her where the boundaries are.

Look at this another way.
Are you teaching her the skills to be a successful adult when she leaves home?

No. Because she isn't going to be able to employ a servant when she leaves home. She's going to have to do it herself.

Just stop. You aren't doing her any long term favours. I would explain once and that's it. For example, both of mine know if the school uniform isn't chucked in front of the washing machine on Friday night, it won't get washed. That means all uniform gets washed together on Friday and put on the dryer ready for Monday and I don't need to think about it again.

My 16 year old would be like this if she thought she could get away with it. She’s certainly tried in the past and would try and persuade me that my job as her parent is to do things for her. Of course, my job is to to bring her up to be capable and confident and helpful, not expect everything (or anything really) on a platter. I’m guilty of pandering to her on the past, like op, out of “love” but quickly learned my lesson.

I made a lot of my own food but there were definitely issues with the other stuff, I had health problems that caused exhaustion and severe ADHD so would get distracted and not notice things others would.