To think not all 16 year olds are like this ?

[Despairingofdd]

Really need opinions on whether this is “normal” teenage girl behaviour. I have a 16 year old dd. We’ve just had another screaming match due to her lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m working from home, she’s on half term but I feel like even though she’s 16 I spend a lot of time doing things that she can and should be doing herself. Today I made all her meals & delivered them to her room apart from her dinner which I made her eat at the table with me. I asked her to wash up her dinner plate & wipe down the table & as always she started moaning about doing it, accusing me of being in a bad mood (just because I asked her to wash her own plate, not even the pots or pans!). She never gets herself a drink, expects me to do it, never gets herself a knive & fork etc etc. I’ve just had enough. She is so lazy.

when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child. It’s the fact she doesn’t want to help. She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”. She waited until I’d finished a work call today for me to make her lunch rather than make her own lunch.

I love her dearly but right now so don’t like her. I have told her she gets not one penny from me in future unless she starts pulling her weight.

I know this is my fault. She has always treated me as her servant & I’ve allowed it mistakenly thinking I was being a kind & loving parent. Instead I’ve created a monster.

Do other people have teen girls who aren’t like this?

My 13 year old is pretty lazy and
Can be hard work. Even she wouldn't be this bad. I would just stop, you aren't doing her any favours.

It’s easy to forget what’s appropriate when you have them on your own all the time. You do it because that’s the way it’s always been.
I think rather than shouting at the time tell her she needs to the washing up, eat downstairs, hoover somewhere whatever, once a day.
They adapt quickly though. It will be fine.

Mum's doing enough. She needs to tell DD the new rules, not ask her what else she can do to make her life easier.

My 16 yr old son often prepares his own meals and mine as well, l am a lone parent so he's been raised along with his brother with . "All hands on deck" attitude. I often remind them to look around when I'm at work to see what needs doing, they rarely let me down and the house runs a lot smoother. I do what l can but l can't do everything and why should I ?

Just tell her that you are going to stop doing things for her that she can do for herself because it’s not right to keep treating her like a child when she is, in fact, a young adult. You are from here on going to show her the respect of letting her behave like an adult. If she needs any advice, you are ready to give it. And you will continue to cook evening meals for her because it’s cost effective and environmentally friendly. And then, just stop. There will be temper tantrums. You have to ignore them.

No, they're really not like this. But you know you've created this mess yourself, don't you?
If she doesn't bring her dirty laundry to the machine she has no clean uniform. So what? This is her problem, but you're letting her make it yours.

Yes, she's got into some bad habits. The problem with people telling you to "just toughen up" is that you're then just giving her something to push against. (I mean, you're right! She's behaving incredibly selfishly, I totally agree. But I know teenagers, and I know that she just won't see it that way. And any sort of "bad cop" approach just gives them something concrete to feel victimised about 🙄)

I know this sounds like a toddler approach, but if you're able to, try being relentlessly nice and fair to her. Model the behaviour you want to see, ignore the tantrums, don't let her pull you down to her level, walk away if she's being nasty.

Don't resent anything you do for her. Either do it because you want to, or explain nicely, once, why you won't be doing that ("I'm afraid I have a lot of work on today, so you're going to have to make your own lunch") and don't engage in the ensuing tantrum.

Also, cling on to the fact that hideous behaviour as a teenager absolutely does not correlate directly with hideous behaviour as an adult!

My six year gets his own cutlery and puts his dirty washing in the basket.

Stop doing it. Even her washing. If she's got to wear dirty uniform then that's her problem.

Of course it’s not normal to make lunch and deliver it to her bedroom… Make your own lunch and when she’s hungry, introduce her to the kitchen. You’re enabling it. Stop “doing” for her. No laundry, no picking up, etc.

Tell her to make her own lunch. If she doesn't she'll be hungry.

Normal teenage behaviour, don’t worry OP she’ll grow out of it when she goes to uni!

Turn this round in your head from loving and caring and doing everything for her, to loving and caring to getting her to be a young independent adult. Your job is to get her from dependence to independence, so make that your focus from now on. Everytime you are about to do something for her ask yourself ' am I getting her more independent?' If not , don't do it. Her self esteem will improve massively too.

It might be normal for you...

I haven’t made breakfast or lunch for my kids since they started high school and they’ve been getting their own drinks since they could reach the tap!
They 16 and 19 take it in turns to do the kitchen after tea (which I do make) - pots, sides and sweep the floor. I gave up doing the oldest’s laundry a few years ago when he couldn’t be arsed to bring it down.
Their rooms are disgusting, but that’s their business. They definitely don’t think ‘oh, mums working, I’ll have a quick tidy up’ but there are often cash incentives to clean the bathroom or Hoover downstairs.

So no, I don’t think all 16 year olds are like this but I do think they are as lazy as you let them be.

YABU because this is a monster of your own creation.

Doesn’t bring laundry down? No clean uniform? That’s a natural consequence. She won’t do it again when she’s had to go in dirty uniform once. My 13YO didn’t!

My 9 and 11 year olds can (and do) get all their own drinks and some of their own meals. They empty the dishwasher and put their own washing in the basket.
Why in gods green earth are you delivering meals to your 16 year old?
Stop.
Shes not going to like it but tough luck. Some tough love is required here and fast.

So what, if anything does she actually do by way of boring chores around the house? Unless I misread it, she appears to have the experience you would expect at a five star hotel-waited on hand and foot, not lifting a finger for anything. Fuck that for a lark. Apologies to her saying that you have been a terrible parent by not preparing her for independent adult life (such as she could be experiencing in two years time when you could legally chuck her out to fend for herself). Go on the explain that that all changes starting tomorrow. From then on she cooks and cleans for herself until she learns some manners. She will have plenty of time for this as she appears to do fuck all anyway.

I deliver no meals to bedrooms unless someone is ill.
My DS14 puts his dirty laundry in the laundry bag, makes his bed, gets his own breakfast and lunch on half term days. If I’m getting myself a drink I’ll get him one if I’m in but he also does drinks for others.
Time to stop being a servant.

I don’t think it’s normal but to be fair when I was 16 if my mum had done everything for me I would have happily let her.
My son is 16 and keeps his room clean and does his own washing. I cook evening meals when I’m there but he sorts his breakfast and lunch. If I’m not there he makes himself something for dinner and puts plates in the dishwasher.
He’s pretty independent but I think that’s because he’s had to be as I’m not fussing and running around after an almost grown up boy. I also think doing too much for kids is doing them a disservice. I want him to go out in to the world as a capable young man.

I don’t have teenage daughters… they are Infact primary age. However they make their own breakfast and drinks, put their clothes in the washing basket and tidy their bedrooms every day. Occasionally they make their own lunch (sometimes they want to) and my eldest will even make dinner sometimes!

I made it a requisite when they turned 3 that they tidied their rooms etc every morning so it’s never been an issue.

I have 3 teenage girls in the house. They are not like this. You stop this now. Or you let it carry on 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think many 16 year olds would be like that given the chance. However the days of fetching my kids drinks ended when they could be trusted to make them without tipping the bottle over themselves. I also stopped making them lunches at about 12 unless I was making it for myself and they wanted to eat at the same time. If they didn’t- feed yourself when you’re ready. And I have never in my life taken meals to their rooms. Just stop doing it.

I think it's normal for them not to think "mum's working so hard I want to help" their brains don't work like that until much later in my experience.

you have to create the incentive or necessity.

My DS16 has autism and dyspraxia, is an only child and I work from home as a matter of course, but I don't do half the things you do! Like, he really struggles to butter bread so he puts the toast in the toaster, makes his drink and I'll butter the toast for him. I thought that made me soft but reading your post!

Toughen up.

Don't take her meals up to her, don't run around getting her drinks, let her clothes get dirty. That's three things you can stop doing right now.

I think 'mum's working so I'll do the dishes' is a huge jump from where you are, but start small.

You have massively spoiled her.
My 5 year old gets his own drink and takes his plate to the dishwasher etc