To think not all 16 year olds are like this ?

[Despairingofdd]

Really need opinions on whether this is “normal” teenage girl behaviour. I have a 16 year old dd. We’ve just had another screaming match due to her lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m working from home, she’s on half term but I feel like even though she’s 16 I spend a lot of time doing things that she can and should be doing herself. Today I made all her meals & delivered them to her room apart from her dinner which I made her eat at the table with me. I asked her to wash up her dinner plate & wipe down the table & as always she started moaning about doing it, accusing me of being in a bad mood (just because I asked her to wash her own plate, not even the pots or pans!). She never gets herself a drink, expects me to do it, never gets herself a knive & fork etc etc. I’ve just had enough. She is so lazy.

when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child. It’s the fact she doesn’t want to help. She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”. She waited until I’d finished a work call today for me to make her lunch rather than make her own lunch.

I love her dearly but right now so don’t like her. I have told her she gets not one penny from me in future unless she starts pulling her weight.

I know this is my fault. She has always treated me as her servant & I’ve allowed it mistakenly thinking I was being a kind & loving parent. Instead I’ve created a monster.

Do other people have teen girls who aren’t like this?

DD is 16. Today she made her own breakfast and lunch and cleared her dishes, changed her sheets, put the dirty sheets on to wash and hung them out to dry, set the table for dinner and helped clear the table afterwards. She often helps cook dinner but she's doing a bit less at the moment as she's busy revising.

Her room gets pretty untidy at times, but she eventually tidies it up.

Is your DD in the middle of exams? Might that be making her behaviour worse?

I think my 14 Yr old is lazy but he sets the table; will bring me a drink and snack (without my asking) when he's getting them for himself; puts his dirty clothes in the washing basket; puts clean clothes away and dusts his room once per week.

FWIW, OP, I don't agree that all kids would be like this if they were allowed to get away with it, so please don't take all of the responsibility for her behaviour on yourself. She is old enough to know better.

I am not strict with my dd in the slightest, and she probably would get away with a whole lot more if she was that way inclined, but she isn't - she is respectful towards others, including me and her dad, and she just knows that it wouldn't be reasonable to behave like that. So she doesn't.

My DD is 15. She frequently makes her own meals and helps out around the house.

Is it just you she treats like her personal slave? Does her father get the same treatment? Is he helping to instil respect, and stick up for you?

I don’t have a teenager but can safely say I did not behave like that. I played water polo so had wet soggy towels every night. Forgot to put them in the dryer, soaking wet then next morning. Absolutely 0 response from my parents. Overslept & had a go at my mum for not waking me up. She laughed and literally refused to drive me. I think I got a friends older sister to drive me in. Both my parents were very kind and supportive but also had very firm boundaries on when I was expected to be able to look after myself. I was also a neat freak so room was never messy but if I hadn’t washed my clothes myself, I would’ve had dirty clothes.

YANBU to think that not all 16 year-olds are like that. I too have a 16yo dd. I thought I'd pandered to my dc too much too, especially when I read about how many chores etc lots of MNers get their children to do.

Dd has her moments, like all teens, but she's largely considerate, civilised, good company, and we don't ever have screaming matches. She wouldn't yell at me. She clears up the kitchen without being asked and does other chores when asked. You need to calmly explain that she's acting spoilt and that you will not be acting as her servant any more.

My daughters are not like this. Stop pandering to her.

Ok going against the grain a bit here. I have three teenage DDs and the youngest is like this (won't even move her dishes from table let alone wash them or make me a brew when wfh. Her sisters were not like this so I don't think it is just because of us. And when she visits others they rave about how lovely she is. And I know she does kind things for friends.

But it depresses me at home. I do think there is an element of her having little control over her own life and this is how she tries to exert it, to be different to her sisters. In my brighter moments I try to remember she'll grow out of it, but I worry she won't. I think if you've not had one like this it's hard to see that you can't just come down harder on them (does not work) . Maintaining times when we have good times is important, making sure she knows we care and love her too.

I don’t think the question is “is this normal”, I think the question you need to ask yourself is “why do you accept it?”. You need to look at yourself. It maybe related to your own childhood…

e.g various reasons maybe:

-Did your mother not do anything for you, therefore you are now over compensating?
-Or did you only get attention if you were people pleasing?
-or did someone abandon you during childhood, so you are fearful of rejection/abandonment from those closest to you?

It could be any reason, but you need to take responsibility for your part in this dynamic to help solve it. Maybe see a well trained therapist who can help you disentangle it for you. Good luck.

I am not exaggerating when I say that my THREE years old DS is more helpful around the house than this.

He helps me tidy up his toys before bed, helps to load the dishwasher, has a little stool that he uses to get bread out of the bread bin and put in the toaster and wants to spread his own butter.

In the nicest possible way you have created an absolute horror here and you need to get a grip of it. How on Earth will she ever run her own household if you haven't taught her basic life skills like preparing a snack!

I have a 16 year old DS. He's a bit of a softy, polite, pleasant, easy going. He is also bloody lazy with his head in the clouds, doesn't listen and just fobs us off when we try to tell him by agreeing but then doesn't do anything! Love him to bits but I feel like shaking him sometimes! 🤣

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child.

yes you have because you do everything for her so rod for your own back op .

My two have always had to do things for themselves, because we both work ft and I bring work home.

At 12 and 10 they know, with a bit of chivvying, to put clothes in the wash, put the washing out, change their beds, make lunch, clean their rooms (when I can't see the floor anymore). Ds is almost in yr8, so has the associated cockiness. I'm letting some slide, but he knows what tone or phrases I won't tolerate. Sometimes he gets a shock, when we've been having a laugh but he crosses a line and I snap at him. I feel a bit like a dog occasionally snapping a puppy back into place.

I was a bit of a lazy cow at 16, and yes, did expect not to have to do chores. But my mum was too soft.

Mine’s not like this, but couldn’t say what’s normal and not normal as I have no idea what her friends get up to in their own houses.
My DD will put her own clothes on to wash, keeps her room spotless, has cleaned the house (not regularly, but will if asked, sometime without asking), will cook meals if asked, walks dog, unpacks dishwasher etc.
At the moment, I’m more than happy to do more things for her while she’s revising and I think it’s because she isn’t selfish. (The smaller DS is useless, given him the benefit of the doubt to get more mature, but he’s now 13 so it’s time for him to pull his finger out, tidy his room and hang his bloody clothes up).

This is ds.
"You need to tidy your room. "
"Yeah, OK."

An hour later.
"Wtf? How is it worse?"
"Is what worse?"
"Your room. You were going to tidy it."
"Oh. Oooohhhhh. Yes.ok. I'll do it now. What do I need to do?"

"when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses..." Well, pick your battles honey! Ask once and be sure to tell her you're not going to pick up her dirty clothes and you're not going in her room- really emphasise the I'm not doing it part-, be done with it and go and live your best life!
Then a time will come when she's going to be like "Mom, I have no clean undies!!! I'm going out with my friends and I can't find that pretty top I like!" AND when this day comes you're going to give her your best smile and, without shouting but with a very nice voice (this is important, keep your voice down, don't lose it!), you're going to say "I asked you to put them in the washing machine and I told you I wasn't going to do it myself", then turn around, walk away and make yourself a cuppa (which you'll drink slowly to hide the big smile on your face).

It is an easy trap to fall into as it is quicker to do things yourself rather than nag but nag you must!
My kids are 6 & 9 and get there own drinks. My eldest makes his own packed lunch some days.
I have read many stories like yours and refuse to be one of them....still working on housework!

I have 2 girls of 17 and 19

I don’t wash their clothes or get them drinks. They either smell, get thirsty or get them themselves. I haven’t washed their clothes since they were about 14 they have to do their own

I do fall out with them sometimes about being lazy and helping without being asked but generally they understand that they must help out sometimes.

I do make them food most evenings and I give them lifts as they still haven’t passed their test. I would help them if they needed it with laundry but they don’t ask. They still make a mess of the bathroom and leave shoes everywhere

Also guys you know what helps your stress levels. Don’t look in their room if you can help it. DD2 likes living in some kind of dark pit. As long as it doesn’t spread out into the house I just don’t look

My 10 yo isn’t even like that!!! She gets me, and her sisters a drink when she gets herself one! She always puts her laundry away, makes me cups of tea etc. Is she your only? I ask because I feel like you can’t surely be doing all this for more than one child? You wouldn’t have time to do anything else!

DS 17 frequently has a messy room full of cups and plates. Wet towels on the floor. I shut the door and try not to look.

However, he makes his own breakfast and lunch and often helps with dinner. He won't eat otherwise!

After having to wear a stinky shirt to his job at the chippy, he now puts it in the wash basket and asks if I am doing the washing.

He and his younger brother always clear the table and wash up.

You need to set some boundaries OP. Doesn't have to be a fight... just laugh and ask her what her last slave died of...!

It’s tempting to do things for them, especially if they’re grumpy and rude. But my husband has always drilled it into me. He tells me off for doing stuff like putting their clothes away. We make our dd’s do their own packed lunches (age 7 & 11) and things like clearing the table are non negotiable. It is quicker to do it myself and easier but you have to remind yourself of the long game. Your post has resonated with me. Good luck making the changes- it won’t be easy but it’s totally necessary! I remember a saying once “don’t disable your children by making life easy for them”

@Raspberrysins My DH is the same! I know I could be a real pushover if he didn’t remind me that they’re perfectly capable of doing things themselves… not to mention that they’re now both taller than me and over 30 years younger, so they.can definitely make themselves a sandwich.🤣