To think not all 16 year olds are like this ?

[Despairingofdd]

Really need opinions on whether this is “normal” teenage girl behaviour. I have a 16 year old dd. We’ve just had another screaming match due to her lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m working from home, she’s on half term but I feel like even though she’s 16 I spend a lot of time doing things that she can and should be doing herself. Today I made all her meals & delivered them to her room apart from her dinner which I made her eat at the table with me. I asked her to wash up her dinner plate & wipe down the table & as always she started moaning about doing it, accusing me of being in a bad mood (just because I asked her to wash her own plate, not even the pots or pans!). She never gets herself a drink, expects me to do it, never gets herself a knive & fork etc etc. I’ve just had enough. She is so lazy.

when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child. It’s the fact she doesn’t want to help. She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”. She waited until I’d finished a work call today for me to make her lunch rather than make her own lunch.

I love her dearly but right now so don’t like her. I have told her she gets not one penny from me in future unless she starts pulling her weight.

I know this is my fault. She has always treated me as her servant & I’ve allowed it mistakenly thinking I was being a kind & loving parent. Instead I’ve created a monster.

Do other people have teen girls who aren’t like this?

Not normal. I wasn't like this.

It's your own fault to be honest, bringing meals to her room? You need to grow a backbone. I don't serve meals to my 8yo, I cook his dinner but I expect him to come and get his plate from the kitchen and bring it to the table. He gets his own breakfast!

No, they're not, but you already know that. Lots of good advice on her OP, hope you can turn things around 💐

No I don't think that's normal behaviour for most 16yr olds.
But it was for mine who has PDA autism.
Interesting that you use the word "meltdown" what do they look like for her?

Bloody hell most teenagers are lazy if they’re allowed to be, but yours is on another level! Why are you making her lunch and getting her drinks? What will happen if you refuse? I’ll tell you won’t happen. Her starving to death or dying of thirst is what won’t happen. So just stop doing it ffs, her washing too. Let her go out stinking if that’s what she wants.

Madness at 16. Most kids would be home alone, what would she do not drink or eat for 8 plus hours?

You are enabling her OP. I would sit her down and explain that you would like her to take on some responsibility in looking after herself. Sell the positives - she can create lunches she likes etc. ask her what she'd like and spend some time teaching her to cook/make things and clearing up.

Does she not have friends around? Do they not get lunch together? Does she tidy her room for this?

Let her not eat and let her wear dirty clothes. She's 16 not 6 and she will not starve she will make herself something. I am assuming she is not cognitively or physically disabled.

These things are harder to fix when you have allowed them to go on for so long but your answer is say No. 'Mum can you make me lunch' No you can make it yourself. 'Mum my tops dirty because I threw on the floor and spilt a drink' Oh these things happen just go wash it. . And when she whines about it just walk away. and tell her your not interested your 16 not a baby. But never ever yell ever. She can bang her feet, she can yell but once you have said what you have no more. No more engagement.

Also OP not yelling is the most important thing. Yelling only escalates situations.

I thought no you need to wean her off being spoilt.

Don't cut things suddenly or as punishment.

Stop fetching drinks one week. The next stop making her one meal a day, then 2.

After that leave her laundry except essential school uniform.

Dont iron.

Yeah I have a teen daughter who is not like that and I achieved it by following a very basic parenting technique. Called being lazy myself.

Nope. Just stop doing things for her. If she’s hungry she’s old enough to fetch her own food. Wouldn’t let her eat in her room either as I guess you’re getting her plates etc out of there too. Dirty washing, when she runs out she will manage to do it herself. She’s not a toddler and doesn’t require so much mollycoddling from mummy. Please don’t let her treat you with so much disrespect, you’re wayyyyy better than that and don’t deserve that.

I'm with you. Sure I do the bulk but if something needs washing out of time i.e. by itself etc my daughter has no problem doing it. In fact she gets a little miffed if I try and do it as it communicates to her that I think she needs me to do it. She takes great pride in her ability to run her life.

Agree you have to pick your battles.

Just stop pampering to her, she’ll soon get the message.
Say something once and once only. The machine’s empty, out your washing in. If she doesn’t, she wears dirty clothes. Both my DDs could use a washing machine at 11. And iron ( esp shirts better than I could) from about 14.
Any meals you prepare go on a table with lunch/ dinner is ready. Breakfast is serve yourself.
Shes 16, not 6. Girls 2 years older than her can be in the army, or police , or looking after their own babies!

Oh dear.
I definitely wasn’t like this, and my kids weren’t either.
I don’t think “you created a monster” as much as there’s a perfect storm of a worn out mum and a teenaged girl.
Leave her uniform if she doesn’t bring it. See how fast she starts bringing her dirty clothes then.
Tell her to get her own breakfast and lunch, and for sure tell her to get her own drinks. Do not give up and get them for her, no matter what.
And unless she helps you with dinner (by setting the table, making the salad, etc etc), then she gets as much dinner as she helped make.
Keep this promise to yourself, for yourself.

Warn her first, to be fair, that there’s a new Mum in town, and the the kicking off will have consequences. So will the screaming and yelling. Good luck.❤️

There’s a bloody big difference between a 16yo not even getting herself a glass of squash because Mummy will do it and being a little more lenient during exams month on chores round the house. Yes don’t expect them to wash the cars or Hoover the stairs the week of their GCSE maths when they should be revising, but equally don’t be waiting on them hand and foot. They might have years of exams ahead of them - a levels, uni, post grad. They have to be able to feed and water themselves !

Human nature we would pretty much all be like this if someone else would be prepared to facilitate it! What’s not to love wouldn’t we all like to live like Prince Charles!

But sadly your Dd isn’t a royal or a Hollywood a lister with you as staff and you need to swing this round. For her sake too she needs to be able to function independently in a few years. The being rude to you is appalling though.

Think I would wait til after GCSEs.

dd same age clears up kitchen does the odd meal and is never rude to us. Her rooms a tip though.

Why don’t you let your 10 year old enjoy being a child, instead of bribing her with stuff (especially a phone, that she is too young for) to get her to do all the chores and mothering of her younger sister?