To think not all 16 year olds are like this ?

[Despairingofdd]

Really need opinions on whether this is “normal” teenage girl behaviour. I have a 16 year old dd. We’ve just had another screaming match due to her lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m working from home, she’s on half term but I feel like even though she’s 16 I spend a lot of time doing things that she can and should be doing herself. Today I made all her meals & delivered them to her room apart from her dinner which I made her eat at the table with me. I asked her to wash up her dinner plate & wipe down the table & as always she started moaning about doing it, accusing me of being in a bad mood (just because I asked her to wash her own plate, not even the pots or pans!). She never gets herself a drink, expects me to do it, never gets herself a knive & fork etc etc. I’ve just had enough. She is so lazy.

when I ask her to bring her dirty washing to put in the machine she refuses so I end up having to do it otherwise she’ll have no clean uniform. Her room is disgusting & when I ask her to clean it she has a meltdown.

I feel so depressed that I have created such a lazy & selfish child. It’s the fact she doesn’t want to help. She never thinks “oh mums trying to work let me wash the dishes”. She waited until I’d finished a work call today for me to make her lunch rather than make her own lunch.

I love her dearly but right now so don’t like her. I have told her she gets not one penny from me in future unless she starts pulling her weight.

I know this is my fault. She has always treated me as her servant & I’ve allowed it mistakenly thinking I was being a kind & loving parent. Instead I’ve created a monster.

Do other people have teen girls who aren’t like this?

My 11yo gets her own drinks unless I'm getting myself one and offer. I make her dinner and she can do her own cereal/ toast and sandwich/soup/ beans on toast.

OP, if you ask her to bring her uniform down, and she doesn't, then you don:t fetch it for her. It won't hurt her to go to school I'm a fifty uniform. The same applies to her other clothes and bedding.
Sooner or later it will occur to her that all she had to do was put her things into the laundry basket. Now she stinks.
You can let her do her laundry by herself. Time she learned.

Yes you definitely need to make a change but it is her who is being U! Time to readjust expectations and consequences. For reference, my DD4 puts her own uniform in the wash, knows what she needs for Monday won't be clean on time if she doesn't put it in the basket after school on Friday. Gets her own drinks from a water dispenser. Tidies her own room with help from sister and is responsible for putting away her clean clothes in the right drawers. Also for making sure pets have food and water before school. Your DD is taking the piss

As many others have said, you've created this and now need to deal with it.

I have a similar age DS. He does stay in his room a lot and it does have a "floordrobe" of clothes but he puts all dirty washing in his basket automatically now (trained from toddler age) and once a week fortnight he will hoover his room and strip the bed to be washed.
He sorts his own breakfast, lunch and snacks. I make a family dinner but he clears away the plates and will load/unload the dishwasher. He will do other jobs when asked, sometimes not as fast or as well as I would like but without moaning or attitude.

Does your DD have any kind of part time job yet? Mine does a few hours on some weekends in a family business and it's really helped him see the value of money and how tired you can be after a day of work rather than school! He appreciates what things cost more now.

Why are you delivering stuff to her room? Just leave her to it, she will get something when she is hungry or thirsty.

Is she in the middle of gcses? Or a young in the year sixth former?

I was not like this either.
I had jobs to do or there was no pocket money. I was respectful.
You have to have boundaries. If there are none then create some.
No jobs = no pocket money = no mobile.. etc etc until she learns.
It's not her fault - it is yours

OP - I could have written your post about my 12-year-old! She behaves exactly like your daughter

Not my daughter. She has just turned 17. I don't do breakfast or lunch - she rarely eats either but makes her own if so. We sit together for dinner and watch a tv show and chat about her day. She's not great on housework but she'll suddenly get the bug and clean out the fridge for example. She keeps her own room however she likes.
She's very hard working and though we do have the odd argument we are very happy in each other's company.
My son however is opposite personality to me and we do clash more. But he always cooked for himself and would tidy the kitchen, walk the dogs and so on. Not academic at all so that was always a difficult subject. We have had some rows. He can be exhausting, but he certainly never expected me to cater to his every whim.
Stop being her slave - she won't hate you if you start refusing to do her bidding. If she doesn't put her clothes in the laundry room (or wherever) don't get them. If she has a dirty uniform that's her problem, you could say the day before last chance as you are not going to fetch it for her.

What is it with mumsnet and making children wash their own clothes?

I expect dirty clothes to be put in a basket (they are) but then they get washed and sorted with all other clothes. During the week they leave the house at 730 and then have clubs in the evening so I don't expect them to be faffing about with washing! In the holidays they help out more.

Some days when me and dh are working and if they don't have a club they'll sort dinner out for us all.

I suppose the difference to some of you is we see our family as a team that works together rather than all going it alone

I don't get it either. Just make sure that your children have clean clothes! That's parenting.

My 16yo is using revision as an excuse for not helping so much in the house but aside from dinner I don’t make her meals. If she doesn’t bring her washing down it doesn’t get washed. I might give her a 5min warning I’m putting on a uniform load on Saturday morning but that’s it. I wouldn’t even consider making her drinks or snacks and she wouldn’t expect any. Her room is tidy now she has a boyfriend who comes to visit lol.

@Maireas my 16 year old is working so hard doing her GCSEs, she's revising so much and really worried about the outcome of her exams that as a parent I want to put less pressure on her than more. I know once they are over she'll do more about the house.

Like you say that's parenting 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Fedupsotired - exactly. It's not a boarding house, it's a home. Looking after and caring for your children shouldn't slacken off in the teenage years - they need us more.
I'm not saying run around like a bloody skivvy, but just make sure that the kid has clean clothes!

Are you unhinged OP? Why are you behaving like her slave?

I am not sure why you are making lunch and delivering like room service at a hotel.

What on earth are you doing????

I have teens, they make their own breakfast and lunch and are expected to tidy and clean afterwards. I make supper in the evening and we sit together. At no point do I deliver meals unless they are extremely ill in bed!

Unless you respect yourself, she is never going to.
I ask once for the washing to be brought downstairs along with glasses etc, if not the WIFI goes off until she does it. I am paying for them to have wifi etc and I expect in return for some help to keep the house clean and orderly and nice for everyone. I am not an unpaid slave.

I have eased off this week, as they are revising and have a lot do. I expect chores to be done and everyone here pulls their weight.

It's a balance, isn't it, between caring for them and supporting them through the exam years but also preparing them for independent living.

My mum did all of my laundry for me as a teen, and pretty much everything else as well, and while I'm grateful for her kindness, I do really wish that she had given me more opportunities to develop basic life skills. It was a massive shock to the system for me to realise that clean clothes didn't just magically appear, that bins didn't empty themselves etc, and I found it so stressful to adapt - it was actually really overwhelming. (Probably not helped at the time by undiagnosed adhd.)

My 16yo dd has been responsible for her laundry for years. That doesn't mean that I don't help her with stuff when she is busy/under pressure etc, but it does mean that she accepts that responsibility and is used to it. Personally, I think that's better than doing it all for them.

@Mumwantingtogetitright - your user name says it all! It is a balance, between supporting and caring, but encouraging responsibility and self care. The basics are making sure that they're fed and have clean clothes, in bed at a reasonable time and limits to phone etc. I certainly wouldn't bring food up to the bedroom, though.

She should be getting her own drinks and making her own lunch and you should definitely not be taking food up to her. And don't do anything fir her unless she asks nicely. Don't wash her uniform unless it is in the basket. She'll learn.

Ss others have said stop doing everything, start small and build it up. Think of the three things you want her to do most, then gradually build on it.

Washing Idea.
Put a wash bin in her room and tell her unless her clothes are in it and by the machine once a week you will not do her washing. (Uniform an exception to the rule).

If she gets an allowance tell her her room needs to be tidy and reasonably clean in order to receive it.

Getting own drinks is necessary. As is fixing her lunch when you are working.

Or you could say the washing up is her job.

Or clear up any mess she makes.

My teens are pretty lazy. I use the wash bin rule. One of them soon started to do it when they realised there was no clothes they wanted to wear. Although I do have to remind them to take the bin to machine.

@Mumwantingtogetitright I think you can help your child out without making them totally dependent.

I think my take is that we ALL muck in. It's not a do your own laundry thing as (like I said) in the holidays they hang out washing, turn the washing machine on, iron things etc so they are perfectly capable. My 13 year old will cook dinner for ALL of us tonight. It's this segregation of stuff I find hard as I think of us as a family.

But then my children still like doing things with me and my husband and I make cups of tea for each other which seems to be frowned on here at mumsnet 🤣

Should probably add they aren't perfect. Their rooms are a mess but those they do clean themselves so I don't care! They strip their own beds and make them.

I do get annoyed that they don't walk the dogs enough too!!

It says in the post if you read it

Everyone saying its not normal, I work with families, I think you'll find it's very normal for alot of families