To want my friend to move out

[ImNotBossyImtheBoss]

My friend of 20 years, Christine, has lived (lodged?) with me and my husband for the last 5 years. At the beginning we needed the extra money for the mortgage, we are both good friends with Christine and the set up worked well for us all.

The last 5 years have been intense, Christine became very physically unwell and her mental health suffered as a result, we supported her through this. (She has no living family, which is very relevant, we are her support network.) We all went through lockdowns etc. together.

Last year my husband and I had a baby, so now we have a lovely one year old DD. I have found it hard being both her support system and caring for my DD. Additionally she works shifts and trying to keep a baby quiet around someone sleeping in the day is stressful!

In general she is a happy, helpful addition to our household but I'm starting to feel a bit done with having another person about the place. However I would feel horrendous kicking her out. After such a long time this is very much her home too, I know she doesn't want to live alone or with strangers. I don't think our friendship would be the same if I asked her to leave, and I would miss her.

An aside: she has also never babysat our daughter, which she is well placed to do as she sees her everyday! We've asked twice but she said she'd prefer not, which I understand, we decided to have a baby knowing we don't have a support system nearby. But it's also sad when it's been over a year and you just want your friend to give you one night out with your spouse!

I would just like her to not be here half the time! (Reading it, I can see IABU, she isn't a friend to be there only when it's convenient to me.)

She pays a going rate to lodge with us, and this is set up as her permanent address re. electoral roll, bills, etc. I.e. this is not a casual living arrangement.

You need to have an honest chat with your friend. No hints. Tell her that now that your family setup has changed you feel that having a lodger isn't going to suit your family. Don't make it personal about her, make it general about any lodger.
Tell her that you've enjoyed having her there but your growing family needs something different.

As an aside, shift work and toddlers are going to put you under more stress, particularly as it sounds like your friend isn't taking on a family role, she is a lodger who happens to be a friend.

This is Good advice.

Take out the personal aspect. It's a logistical situation.

There had been a major change in your life and as a result, it no longer works for you to have a lodger. Her refusal to help out with occasional babysitting does rather indicate that she is isn't "family" as it were. You now need your own space as a family unit. Whilst she is a dear friend, it isn't your problem that she doesn't want to live alone, that's something that she will always have had to navigate at some point.

Difficult conversation needs to be had. Would it be worth taking on additional debt to build her a granny annex so that she would still be part of the household but more separate?
If you were going to have a meeting to discuss this , then I would suggest the following agenda:
Arrange a mutually convenient time to have the meeting.
Outline what you think the problem is, take your time with this. Don't drag in or allow anyone else to drag in other issues , like her lack of giving anything back as in babysitting , stick to one problem, that her living with you is not working for you anymore.
Once you have the problem thrashed out, suggest solutions, don't evaluate them or shoot them down, just brainstorm.
Evaluate,
Choose a solution,
Arrange to reconvene to see if the solution is working and if it needs tweaking.

I feel for you, it's going to be a tough conversation, but ultimately it's your house and your life, and if it's not working anymore, then it's not working.

Exactly what Astralis said, make it about your home not about her. She must understand that your circumstances have changed.

She will have to live alone or with strangers though won't she? It feels like she is emotionally blackmailing you with that. This can't go on forever. I am surprised you allowed her to stay once you were having a baby. Your friendship will only change if either of you allow it to. If she posted on MN about being your lodger for 5 years and you now have a baby, she works shifts etc she would probably have an overwhelming yabu thrown at her.

You and your DH supported her through ill health and continue to support her yet she won’t do a few hours babysitting for you. What support are you providing for her and why won’t she reciprocate. Seems like maybe you and your husband are not getting a great deal and also as house owners you are providing all maintenance etc. What is her long term plan if you have another child and when children start getting older? This doesn’t sound fair now on any of your family and certainly not workable in the future. Surely she can’t expect a 3/4/ old to keep quiet during the day for years on end?

Give yourself a talking too here. If she isnt going to babysit when you've asked she must see herself as more of a lodger than a friend. I would totally point out that it's just the inconvenience of her working shifts with a young toddler. It no longer works.

Your circumstances have changed since you started this arrangement - having a baby for example. Five years is a really long time that you’ve offered Christine stability and support in her moment of need. I think you’ve done more than enough to rest easy knowing you’ve been a really positive influence in her life and helped her tremendously. Now seems a good time to get her off into independence, for the next chapter of her life. Maybe you could help her find a rental nearby, or another place to lodge?

I think the fact that she refused to babysit might make this easier - it sounds as if you have been really accommodating of her needs/wishes, but it is not fully reciprocal.
You will have to be upfront about her needing to move out, and as other posters have said, plenty of notice would be a thoughtful and kind thing for you to offer. But be clear. Discuss it with DH so that you are both saying exactly the same thing, don't make it "some time in the future when we have another baby" but explicitly that you'd like her to find somewhere else by the end of September/October /whenever works for you.

Good God, it sounds awful. Give her 3 months’ notice to move out (kindly).

Not very fair that after you and your dh being her support network she isn't willing to support you with a little babysitting. It will be a nightmare trying to keep your soon to be toddler quiet while she sleeps during the day. Save yourself the stress and have a discussion about her finding somewhere else to live.

Before you sit down with her for the chat you have to believe that you and your husband are perfectly within your rights to want to live just three of you in your house. Do not feel guilty! You are being reasonable!

Also, as a PP stated, your friend may not want to live with strangers or alone but tough. That's the way the cookie has crumbled for her. It is up to her to make the strangers friends or to find other friends elsewhere.

Keep reminding yourself that she has never given you so much as an hour free with your DH by babysitting. That is really mean.

Oh and also, stop right now with trying to be quiet with your baby - that sounds so stressful. It may even encourage your friend to want to move out.

By the way OP she isn't much of a friend if asking her to move out will mean you can no longer be friends -

This is the most MN response I've ever read.

Don't want a lodger anymore? Don't give them notice to move out, get yourself into thousands of pounds of debt to build them a bloody grant annex 🙄

@PerseverancePays what bloody planet are you on?

OP your family has grown and its not practical to have a lodger anymore. Surely your friend knew she would have to move out eventually?

Just tell her straight. As long as you give her good notice this shouldn't cause any issues.

The fact she had not done any babysitting makes it easier to be honest. She maybe wants to keep the boundaries??

Really you need some lack of awareness to check in as a lodger/friend and confirm the arrangement is still working for everyone after a baby has arrived.

The friendship will most likely change or end. But really what kind of friendship is it that requires her to continue living with you to be maintained?

Definitely stop telling your toddler to be quiet!

YANBU to want your house to yourself and your family. This is totally normal.

YABU to resent your friend not babysitting when it sounds like you have never asked her to, and are now starting to become resentful that she hasn't read your mind and offered.

I think you should talk to her honestly and explain that you have enjoyed having her there but now you have a toddler it is time for her to get her own place. Give her time to find somewhere nice, but don't put off the conversation. You are obviously really good friends, and the best way to preserve that is to deal with this before resentment starts creeping in and you each start looking to find fault.

So what happened when you wanted to go out and she said she'd rather not babysit? Did you go and get someone else to do it? Did you pay someone to do it? Maybe if you got a local teenager in and paid them, she'd think differently - she might not want someone else in 'her' home.
But I do think the arrangement has probably come to the end of its usefullness for you, if not her. As your baby grows up, she will probably find it more onerous being there anyway.

She doesn't want to live alone or with others, you say.
I think you have been very patient and kind, and have made it too easy for her not to do the above.
She's a grown woman, the circumstances have changed, and it's time for her to step out of her comfort zone and move on.
YANBU.

I thought she said she had asked, and the lodger said she'd rather not?

As everybody else days, life has changed. Give her decent notice. If you are super kind you could maybe help her look at new places but you don't have to. If you need a story, which you don't, say you are getting an au pair and need the room back.

I think you just have to be honest. Do NOT let it drag on..... give her a time frame and stick to it and firmly stick to your guns.
And whatever you do NO granny annexe!

It isn’t about her - it is about you needing to be a family unit.

And OMG yes do not try to keep your DC quiet or pander to her shifts. First and foremost it is DC’s home now.

Give her 4 weeks notice. Nicely. But also say you have someone coming to stay on X date, so she can’t extend the notice period.

Be firm. You are doing the right thing by DC.

OP it seems as if Christine is getting two things from the current situation; a place to live and emotional support/friendship. The two things aren't mutually exclusive though. You can still be her support network even if she isn't living with you. Most of us provide support to close friends without them living with us.

What was a convenient arrangement for everyone is, unsurprisingly, no longer convenient because of the arrival of the baby. Surely she must already know this? I think you need to be clear about it in your own mind and get rid of any sense of responsibility/guilt before you talk to her because you've got no reason to feel that way.