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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my friend to move out

167 replies

ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 17:25

My friend of 20 years, Christine, has lived (lodged?) with me and my husband for the last 5 years. At the beginning we needed the extra money for the mortgage, we are both good friends with Christine and the set up worked well for us all.

The last 5 years have been intense, Christine became very physically unwell and her mental health suffered as a result, we supported her through this. (She has no living family, which is very relevant, we are her support network.) We all went through lockdowns etc. together.

Last year my husband and I had a baby, so now we have a lovely one year old DD. I have found it hard being both her support system and caring for my DD. Additionally she works shifts and trying to keep a baby quiet around someone sleeping in the day is stressful!

In general she is a happy, helpful addition to our household but I'm starting to feel a bit done with having another person about the place. However I would feel horrendous kicking her out. After such a long time this is very much her home too, I know she doesn't want to live alone or with strangers. I don't think our friendship would be the same if I asked her to leave, and I would miss her.

An aside: she has also never babysat our daughter, which she is well placed to do as she sees her everyday! We've asked twice but she said she'd prefer not, which I understand, we decided to have a baby knowing we don't have a support system nearby. But it's also sad when it's been over a year and you just want your friend to give you one night out with your spouse!

I would just like her to not be here half the time! (Reading it, I can see IABU, she isn't a friend to be there only when it's convenient to me.)

She pays a going rate to lodge with us, and this is set up as her permanent address re. electoral roll, bills, etc. I.e. this is not a casual living arrangement.

OP posts:

headofpotsandpans · 30/05/2022 18:39

YABU to resent your friend not babysitting when it sounds like you have never asked her to, and are now starting to become resentful that she hasn't read your mind and offered

It says right there in the OP they have asked her twice.

Georgyporky · 30/05/2022 18:46

Lots of wise advice (mainly).

I'd stop trying to keep the baby quiet when she's asleep, why on earth should you? It might give her pause for thought.....

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 30/05/2022 18:48

It is absolutely unreasonable that you should have to try to keep your dch quiet in order to accommodate your lodger's shift patterns. I know you want to be helpful and understanding, and you have been, but this will put incredible strain on you and isn't fair on your dch. Time for Christine to move on.

Eeebleeb · 30/05/2022 18:55

Don't even know how people manage to keep babies quiet when their spouse is sleeping days, let alone a friend however loved. She didn't want to babysit for you so she doesn't. You want a family life now, and you have that right. You don't have the capacity you used to.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2022 18:56

You're not being unreasonable at all OP.

Being a lodger is never a 'forever' arrangement. It's already lasted much longer than other similar arrangements I know of.

It's irrelevant if you are her support system or not, you can't just keep giving indefinitely, and no one can expect to just move into their support systems house for ever, even if they are close family!

I'm surprised she hasn't come to this conclusion herself, normally when people have a baby they want some more space and alone time. It's really not fair on your daughter having to be quiet in the day time for a lodger.

And it's not your problem if she doesn't want to live alone or with strangers - millions of people manage this or come up with their own solutions to suit their preferences (eg get their own place and their own choice of lodger who they can vet and meet beforehand etc). Parents even get their grown children to leave and stand on their own two feet for their own good so don't feel bad

You're being far too accommodating. Agree to giving her a deadline that's a few months away but be aware she might try and extend this by not having somewhere suitable. You can always say you are thinking about baby number 2 or having a play room for your toddler to take the personal aspects out of it. And I agree with others about not mentioning babysitting or anything about what she has done or not done as that will give her room to think if she just does x then maybe you'll let her stay

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 30/05/2022 19:00

Yanbu.

2bazookas · 30/05/2022 19:03

So, you support her , and it's not reciprocated with a babysit. !!!!!
It's not HER home, it's yours. She is just the lodger, a tenant with minimal rights.

Keeping DD quiet in the day (for C's shift work) is going to get harder very soon .
I'd say to her " things change . Now we have a child we really need the whole house to ourselves so it's time for you to find somewhere else to live. Three months notice. "

MargosKaftan · 30/05/2022 19:11

Just give her notice and be kind about being flexible for her finding somewhere else - you dont think it works for your family any more having a lodger because this is going to become a more child centred household now your dc is a toddler.

Also stop keeping your child quiet during the day. This is their home.

Tiani4 · 30/05/2022 19:22

Life has changed for you OP and now you have a young DD.

You no longer want a lodger and no matter how much you love your friend the dynamics and circumstances have changed within your family and house, and it's time for her to find alternative lodgings. As you don't want to tiptoe around anymore and want your home back for just you, baby and DH.

That's the conversation you need to have with Christine

It may feel hard to have that conversation but it has to be done . Unless you want her living with you forever and any future children shoved into one bedroom. It's not unreasonable for your life to change after children.

Christens will know this and unless she's a CF and manipulative, she will know when you say, that it's time for her to leave.

Regardless you can give notice, that she finds somewhere else to live. She isn't an underaged child of yours and as an adult she can find alternative lodgings.

Tiani4 · 30/05/2022 19:25

Also stop keeping your child quiet during the day. This is their home.
This ^^

This may make Christine want to live sooner when she realises what life is genuinely like with young children . You can't and shouldn't shush your DCs in their own home if they are not being shouty loud

Tiani4 · 30/05/2022 19:25

Leave not live doh

Moodycow78 · 30/05/2022 19:26

Just stop keeping the baby quiet during the day and invite your mum friends over whenever you like, stop pussyfooting round your own house and she may go voluntarily.

FlowerArranger · 30/05/2022 19:33

No need to get into long discussions and convoluted explanations. Keep it simple.

You family and your needs have changed and you need her to find her own accommodation.

Give a deadline, say 1-2 months. Any more and she might just let it drag on.

You have to accept that your friendship will change, but this is inevitable once you have a family. It's up to her to adapt, or not.

FlowerArranger · 30/05/2022 19:35

Tiani4 · 30/05/2022 19:25

Also stop keeping your child quiet during the day. This is their home.
This ^^

And this. Absolutely!!
But don't just hope this'll push her into leaving.
You need to be proactive and take control.

Thatboymum · 30/05/2022 19:42

I don’t think your being even remotely unreasonable infact I think you have been a wonderful friend and if you asking her to move out 5 years after taking her in does change your friendship I would be so very sad for you. You have to have this conversation with her it’s your home and a child to the mix has totally changed the dynamics she should see that and understand, give her max months your happy with to save to rent and a clear move out date , ps I wouldn’t mention anything about the lack of babysitting keep it simple x

user1471457751 · 30/05/2022 19:46

@TheYearOfSmallThings nope, the OP has asked her friend to babysit and the friend has said she would rather not. No mind reading involved

goldeneg · 30/05/2022 19:53

How big is your house? Could you perhaps say you will be expanding your family in the near future and use that as a reason to ask her to leave if you don’t feel you can be more upfront?

MadKittenWoman · 30/05/2022 19:53

She sounds completely self-centred and tone-deaf. Explain that you have a family now and need the house to yourselves. Give her reasonable notice. This is a new chapter in both your lives, and if the friendship doesn’t survive, then it’s sad but so be it. [Flowers]

ChocolateHippo · 30/05/2022 19:57

I would start by living your life fully. Don't shush your toddler, have friends round, book a babysitter or have family to stay to care for your little one and go out on a Friday night. It sounds like part of the problem is that you've been too accommodating.

Original poster

ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 20:28

I agree we've been too accommodating and the situation before our daughter was definitely not the one we have now. We were genuinely happy with it before.

I think the friendship will inevitably change if she's moves out as we won't be in each others lives every day, and that does make me sad.

It is very easy to take a "not my problem" approach to other people's needs and wants on Mumsnet. But she is my friend and I do care if this will massively upset and unsettle her. But LOL to the idea of building a granny annex!

I think the crux of it (as said by a previous reply) is that she doesn't want to be like family (auntie role) to my daughter and I don't want to live with that dynamic.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 20:28

I agree we've been too accommodating and the situation before our daughter was definitely not the one we have now. We were genuinely happy with it before.

I think the friendship will inevitably change if she's moves out as we won't be in each others lives every day, and that does make me sad.

I think the crux of it (as said by a previous reply) is that she doesn't want to be like family (auntie role) to my daughter and I don't want to live with that dynamic.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 20:44

Ugh I need to have the talk.

I won't bring up her relationship with my DD or lack of babysitting because I don't think it will be helpful. But it does smart, my younger brother lived with my older sister for about 6 months when he was contracting in a new city and he helped so much with childcare for our nieces and nephew. I do not expect the same from my friend but she is another adult in the house, a very old friend, and I hoped for something I guess.

OP posts:

Dashdotdotdash · 30/05/2022 20:44

She pays a going rate to lodge with us, and this is set up as her permanent address re. electoral roll, bills, etc. I.e. this is not a casual living arrangement.

She doesn't really, does she, given that you and your DH have been her carers for a long time. That's not a service that is covered by a normal lodging rate.

FlowerArranger · 30/05/2022 20:47

she is my friend and I do care if this will massively upset and unsettle her

The things is, though - she doesn't seem to care at all that she - her ungoing presence and her need to sleep during the day! - are unsettling YOU !!!

BadWolf2022 · 30/05/2022 20:53

At the very least she should be offering to babysit. You've done a lot for her - what has she done for you?

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