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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my friend to move out

167 replies

ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 17:25

My friend of 20 years, Christine, has lived (lodged?) with me and my husband for the last 5 years. At the beginning we needed the extra money for the mortgage, we are both good friends with Christine and the set up worked well for us all.

The last 5 years have been intense, Christine became very physically unwell and her mental health suffered as a result, we supported her through this. (She has no living family, which is very relevant, we are her support network.) We all went through lockdowns etc. together.

Last year my husband and I had a baby, so now we have a lovely one year old DD. I have found it hard being both her support system and caring for my DD. Additionally she works shifts and trying to keep a baby quiet around someone sleeping in the day is stressful!

In general she is a happy, helpful addition to our household but I'm starting to feel a bit done with having another person about the place. However I would feel horrendous kicking her out. After such a long time this is very much her home too, I know she doesn't want to live alone or with strangers. I don't think our friendship would be the same if I asked her to leave, and I would miss her.

An aside: she has also never babysat our daughter, which she is well placed to do as she sees her everyday! We've asked twice but she said she'd prefer not, which I understand, we decided to have a baby knowing we don't have a support system nearby. But it's also sad when it's been over a year and you just want your friend to give you one night out with your spouse!

I would just like her to not be here half the time! (Reading it, I can see IABU, she isn't a friend to be there only when it's convenient to me.)

She pays a going rate to lodge with us, and this is set up as her permanent address re. electoral roll, bills, etc. I.e. this is not a casual living arrangement.

OP posts:
NellesVilla · 30/05/2022 20:54

Dear Christine,

Before having our baby, it was lovely to have you- our great friend- living here for a while.

Now we have our baby, we’ve found that we need your room back to use as a bedroom for our future au pair who will help us care for our child, giving us much needed time to just be a couple again.

We’d be more than happy to support your search for a new home if needed and to help you move your things out.

As I said it has been lovely to have you here and we hope you understand.

With much love from,

Boss and Bossy

xxx

esoryelneh · 30/05/2022 20:59

NellesVilla · 30/05/2022 20:54

Dear Christine,

Before having our baby, it was lovely to have you- our great friend- living here for a while.

Now we have our baby, we’ve found that we need your room back to use as a bedroom for our future au pair who will help us care for our child, giving us much needed time to just be a couple again.

We’d be more than happy to support your search for a new home if needed and to help you move your things out.

As I said it has been lovely to have you here and we hope you understand.

With much love from,

Boss and Bossy

xxx

This is really good advice. Don't make it personal about her. Make it rational and the fact it doesn't work anymore.

Mamai90 · 30/05/2022 21:02

You sound like a wonderful friend and I think Christine is verging on CF territory! Not helping out with childcare once in a while after you've been so good to her and expecting you to keep your daughter quiet in the day so she can sleep.

Lol at the person who suggested building a granny annex, we're not on millionaires net, although sometimes I do wonder on here with those kind of ridiculous replies. Very few people would be able to afford a granny annex. Ever.

Mamai90 · 30/05/2022 21:04

Or a bloody au pair. 🙄

Original poster
ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 21:08

No I wouldn't get an au pair unless I'd built a granny annex

OP posts:
Sswhinesthebest · 30/05/2022 21:08

Just say that you feel obliged to keep dd quiet, which isn’t so bad now but soon will be. Also say that you want to feel free to invite mum friends and children round and even if she says it’s ok, you’ll feel too guilty so whilst it has been great, you’d like your house back .

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2022 21:13

Glad you’ve had good advice. Chat to DH about what you’ll say and then say it. No one’s telling you to be cruel but you’re not happy with the status quo, which is why you’ve posted, and nothing will change unless you tell her.

Stop trying to keep your baby quiet. It’s their home, they should be doing what one year olds do!

Original poster
ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 21:14

NellesVilla thanks that is helpful

I'll talk to her this week, and then write something similar in an email.

OP posts:
NellesVilla · 30/05/2022 21:20

Good luck, @ImNotBossyImtheBoss , just stress how you need a bit more space but you’ve loved having her there and hope to meet up regularly!

redheadmary · 30/05/2022 21:49

U must let us know how she takes the news

Original poster
ImNotBossyImtheBoss · 30/05/2022 21:54

redheadmary, of course! I hate an unresolved thread on Mumsnet

It'll be a few days though, so don't hold your breath

OP posts:
Jeansgoals · 30/05/2022 22:08

Waiting right here .

Morristj · 30/05/2022 22:45

PerseverancePays · 30/05/2022 17:43

Difficult conversation needs to be had. Would it be worth taking on additional debt to build her a granny annex so that she would still be part of the household but more separate?
If you were going to have a meeting to discuss this , then I would suggest the following agenda:
Arrange a mutually convenient time to have the meeting.
Outline what you think the problem is, take your time with this. Don't drag in or allow anyone else to drag in other issues , like her lack of giving anything back as in babysitting , stick to one problem, that her living with you is not working for you anymore.
Once you have the problem thrashed out, suggest solutions, don't evaluate them or shoot them down, just brainstorm.
Evaluate,
Choose a solution,
Arrange to reconvene to see if the solution is working and if it needs tweaking.

I feel for you, it's going to be a tough conversation, but ultimately it's your house and your life, and if it's not working anymore, then it's not working.

Give over, that's ridiculous.

InstaHun88 · 30/05/2022 22:53

YANBU at all. Hold firm and keep the conversation short. Don't make excuses. This is your home and the arrangement no longer works for you. Give her 2-3 months notice.

InstaHun88 · 30/05/2022 22:53

Tbh you were bonkers to continue to let her live there when you got pregnant. Your life has changed, I cannot think of anything worse than keeping my own baby quiet in my own house for a mate who flat out refused to even babysit once in a while. This arrangement is working amazingly well for her.

DFOD · 30/05/2022 23:02

Don’t make up some BS about needing the room back for an au pair.

Honour your truth - you have been her emotional support network for 5 years as she has no family and you have shouldered and supported her physical and mental health issues.

For 5 years.

And she can’t babysit, help out or behave like family and give even an inch of reciprocity.

This is an unequal and unbalanced “friendship” - know that. That’s why it sticks in your craw. I would be gutted. Your “friend” is a selfish user. I suspect she has no support network because she treats others similarly and they have withdrawn. Yes she has paid the going rate but land lords don’t support mental and physical health.

You have gone above and beyond for too long IMHO.

Don’t bother explaining this to her just tell her it’s a new chapter for you all. Don’t make excuses about au pairs because that’s disingenuous and once sniffed will erode any relationship that is left.

I am sorry that the first year of your new little family unit has been overshadowed by this disappointing character. New chapter - all moving on and focus hard on your own little family home unit.

Gymnopedie · 30/05/2022 23:09

Unless you want it to get to a point where you, DP and her are all going down to the post office to draw your pensions together you're going to have to have this conversation with her some time. And now is absolutely perfect because you have had a major life change and it's true that you need to do things differently. So do it now. Don't let it drift on until you're really fed up and have to make up an excuse to get her to leave (which she will probably see through).

ManateeFair · 30/05/2022 23:12

Difficult conversation needs to be had. Would it be worth taking on additional debt to build her a granny annex so that she would still be part of the household but more separate?

Why the fuck would anyone build a fucking extension just so their lodger doesn’t have to just find her own accommodation like any other grown adult would? Jesus H tap-dancing Christ. They’re her landlords, not her carers.

Apart from the insanity of the financial aspect of that, why would they want to be tied to this woman for the rest of their lives?

OP, this situation sounds really stifling. It can’t be great for your marriage and general family life to have your friend living with you, especially if you’re having to support her emotionally all the time. This was clearly not ever going to be sustainable long-term, especially now you have a child.

I think you have to be really straight with her and explain that it’s been great having her for the past five years but you have a child and you really need to just be a normal family unit now. You need privacy and her shift work is an issue. Give her three months or so to find somewhere else. If she throws a strop, she’s a shit friend and you’re well rid of her.

Tandora · 30/05/2022 23:28

I’m going to go against the grain here- it sounds like you want to evict her because you’re a bit hurt/ offended that she wont babysit? I can completely understand why she wants to keep that boundary- if she didn’t she might worry where it would end. she pays the full market rent to lodge with you , so you are in no sense doing her a favour- you are profiting from her. why should she be required to offer you free childcare (in addition to presumably paying off your mortgage).

FragileConsequence · 30/05/2022 23:30

Gymnopedie · 30/05/2022 23:09

Unless you want it to get to a point where you, DP and her are all going down to the post office to draw your pensions together you're going to have to have this conversation with her some time. And now is absolutely perfect because you have had a major life change and it's true that you need to do things differently. So do it now. Don't let it drift on until you're really fed up and have to make up an excuse to get her to leave (which she will probably see through).

This this this this this.

You've been an amazing friend for FIVE years and I'm guessing this will be a big upsetting change for her. But now she can look for a home where a child won't wake her up etc, so it's an opportunity for her too. Good luck.

AllLopsided · 30/05/2022 23:50

You are not unreasonable to want your house back. I had a similar situation with a friend - she was supposed to stay weeks, and she stayed 9 months! She paid rent but I wanted my husband to myself occasionally (a baby is even more reason to need your house back!) She was retired so around almost all the time. I dropped hints but it didn't work. I wrote about it on here and got good advice. In the end I sent an email when she was visiting her home country. I asked her to leave by a certain date and she did. I didn't see her much during the following 6-8 months but after that our friendship resumed on the same basis as before she stayed. I'm glad we were able to get through it and stay friends.

DFOD · 30/05/2022 23:59

But the friend doesn’t keep any standard lodger boundaries when they come her way … happy to drain the OP of mental health and physical health and use her as a support network for 5 years !

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2022 00:48

Tandora · 30/05/2022 23:28

I’m going to go against the grain here- it sounds like you want to evict her because you’re a bit hurt/ offended that she wont babysit? I can completely understand why she wants to keep that boundary- if she didn’t she might worry where it would end. she pays the full market rent to lodge with you , so you are in no sense doing her a favour- you are profiting from her. why should she be required to offer you free childcare (in addition to presumably paying off your mortgage).

I don't think that the amount a lodger pays will pay off anyone's mortgage in a hurry!

SpidersAreShitheads · 31/05/2022 01:13

My initial reaction was similar to some PP. I'd "accidentally" allow your DC to make some noise during the day while she's asleep. You can't expect a baby and toddler to constantly tiptoe around their own home and oh no, what a shame, they were a bit noisy on a couple of days....

That then gives you the springboard to say to your friend that it's too much hard work trying to keep your DC quiet and the set up just doesn't work any more. Sad though it is, it's time for her to find a new place although you'll miss her living with you blah blah.

Nice, tactful way to ask her to leave - and if she's disturbed by the noise that's been made before the conversation, she may even secretly feel relieved!

RenegadeMatron · 31/05/2022 01:31

You sound like a good, kind, considerate friend.

On the other hand, she doesn’t, really.

Don’t forget she has zero issue with saying ‘no’ to you when it comes to baby-sitting, so you really don’t need to be feeling bad about saying ‘no’ to her.

There has been some great advice on here on ways to handle it that mean it’s not personal.

I get you want to continue to support her as a friend, and that’s good. But not to the detriment of your own family’s ongoing happiness and convenience.