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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

260 replies

nirvanauk · 30/05/2022 16:01

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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OP posts:
LimpBiskit · 30/05/2022 20:07

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2022 16:51

On a side note, for those of you who are like ‘yeah, I’d want sex again! Rather do that on a child free day than anything else! etc etc’

why?

do you come every time? I never come through sex alone. I thought most women didn’t. If you do though, what is your secret?? Please share with me! 😬

You're having shit sex

Topgub · 30/05/2022 20:09

@me4real

Yeah, like I've said, not wanting to absolutely fine.

Not particularly being turned on by gies a shag? Yip.

But others appear to be saying that the oh should have to put work in. That they should put effort in to persuading and coaxing the woman into itm like the woman cant just want sex on her own. She has to be persuaded and bribed into it.

I'm not into that at all

tillytown · 30/05/2022 20:12

I don't get why he didn't offer to help with the jobs? Why would anyone want to have sex with a person who couldn't be bothered to help them out?

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 30/05/2022 20:14

Your husband 100%.

I think it's a bit immature of people who only want sex when childfree.

Sex isn't the only think you can't get done when you have children. Housework, paperwork, bathing, hair styled, shopping, lawn mowing.... I struggle with LOADS of stuff when my little ones are around.

Tbh sex is the last thing on my mind, especially if it's just for the sake of it. Feeling pressured into sex is the least sexiest thing ever.

Your husband needs to learn how to turn someone on, not just make sulky little passive aggressive remarks.

Blossomtoes · 30/05/2022 20:22

tillytown · 30/05/2022 20:12

I don't get why he didn't offer to help with the jobs? Why would anyone want to have sex with a person who couldn't be bothered to help them out?

Because they fancied them and enjoyed sex? Worked for us.

autienotnaughty · 30/05/2022 20:23

It's ok to not want to have sex. It's ok to want to have sex. It's not ok to sulk and guilt trip someone because they don't want to have sex.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2022 20:26

JudgeJ · 30/05/2022 18:13

I would be willing to bet that if the roles were reversed, he would rather clean the car, cut the grass etc. the reactions would be different!

Show quote history

@JudgeJ

Nah, I wouldn’t be bothered.

I would just assume he wasn’t in the mood. Same as I’m not sometimes.

my self esteem isn’t that fragile that I need to be thinking my partner needs/wants to shag me 24/7

Lougle · 30/05/2022 20:31

This is so not how I expected this thread to be. I thought it would be about a wife who was being expected to do chores in order to have sex. I was expecting people to tell her it was emotional abuse!

oakleaffy · 30/05/2022 20:38

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 30/05/2022 16:15

I think you both are.

I'd be gutted if my DH would rather do admin than shag me tbh. Especially if it was a case of making the most of a limited opportunity. I get that you might not have wanted to, but christ you could have rebuffed his advances a bit more kindly.

Same here!
Having young children looked after is the perfect opportunity to have sex.
” But we had it yesterday “ implies it is rationed, or to be doled out only on special occasions like cake.

Sexual incompatibility is probably a big cause of resentment in long term relationships.
Especially when children come along.

FlissyPaps · 30/05/2022 20:44

No means no

^ THIS RIGHT HERE.

Anyone who thinks otherwise, or thinks this man has a right to have sex with OP whenever he feels like, or just because they’re child free for an hour, needs to take a long hard look at themselves. Disgusting.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2022 20:46

not intending to be goady, but can you not have sex when you have young children?

Presumably you can do it when they are bed no?

dummyd · 30/05/2022 20:48

FlissyPaps · 30/05/2022 20:44

No means no

^ THIS RIGHT HERE.

Anyone who thinks otherwise, or thinks this man has a right to have sex with OP whenever he feels like, or just because they’re child free for an hour, needs to take a long hard look at themselves. Disgusting.

Anybody who actually said that should be reported. But of course, nobody said that. People have said it's not unreasonable for the husband to want sex, or that it's not unreasonable for him to feel rejected. Who said op should force herself and have non-consensual sex?

Topgub · 30/05/2022 20:55

@LuckySantangelo35

Sometimes

Depends how loud and wild you are too I suppose

And obviously as they get older, they go to sleep later and later and they wake up.

And walk in. On you shagging ...

FlissyPaps · 30/05/2022 21:01

dummyd · 30/05/2022 20:48

Anybody who actually said that should be reported. But of course, nobody said that. People have said it's not unreasonable for the husband to want sex, or that it's not unreasonable for him to feel rejected. Who said op should force herself and have non-consensual sex?

Show quote history

Are you blind?????? Or just ignorant. Please see below from PPs. Just from the first two pages by the way.

He suggested fun. You chose chores. 
Yabu.

Both being unreasonable but I’m on his side in this. You could have done the jobs before or after..

I can't believe how many young adults don't want to have frequent sex with their partners.

These are vile comments, trying to sway and guilt trip the OP into that she should be giving her partner sex, even thought she stated she would rather be doing something else.

Nothing wrong with him feeling rejected. But everything wrong with his behaviour to her when she said no.

NO MEANS NO.

Whats so hard to get about that????

ErrolTheDragon · 30/05/2022 21:04

Having young children looked after is the perfect opportunity to have sex.

Also the perfect time for a bit of self-care, or for doing the household admin undisturbed. So, sex one day and other stuff the next is 100% reasonable isn't it?

me4real · 30/05/2022 21:08

But we had it yesterday “ implies it is rationed, or to be doled out only on special occasions like cake.

@oakleaffy Or just that, like a lot of/most people, OP doesn't feel like sex every single day/two days in a row.

I think a lot of people are like if they have sex (if it's any good) it then takes a few days for them to get that itch again. The next day they don't feel the need much at all

I get what you mean that it was maybe a slightly clumsy turn of phrase.

Or maybe her husband won't STFU about it and she thought she might've stopped him nagging for a day.

Grasscrowns · 30/05/2022 21:09

I agree with you @FlissyPaps

This thread has depressed the hell out of me.

FlissyPaps · 30/05/2022 21:12

Grasscrowns · 30/05/2022 21:09

I agree with you @FlissyPaps

This thread has depressed the hell out of me.

Reading back I feel like I sounded quite aggressive. But then I think no…. Who the hell can possibly think the OP is being in any way unreasonable. It’s so upsetting. Makes me feel ill.

Disneyblueeyes · 30/05/2022 21:13

Topgub · 30/05/2022 19:37

Why are so many women on this thread needing to be seduced by their own ohs?

As opposed to what? Are you suggesting all women simply look at their husband and starting frothing at the bit(s)?
Is that honestly normal? Surely some seduction has to happen?

me4real · 30/05/2022 21:18

Why are so many women on this thread needing to be seduced by their own ohs?

As opposed to what? Are you suggesting all women simply look at their husband and starting frothing at the bit(s)?

@Disneyblueeyes Or even, not be in the mood for sex but still let someone shag them?

Topgub · 30/05/2022 21:19

@Disneyblueeyes

No

Bit just you know, wanting sex because they want sex?

Not because someone is coercing them into it with some hearts and flowers

Maybe seduction means something different to other people

Topgub · 30/05/2022 21:28

Also a bit confused by all the people saying NO MEANS NO (absolutely, no always means no. No excuse or justification needed) who are also saying ooohhh I need my man to convince me I want sex

What?

Pinkyxx · 30/05/2022 21:36

Sleepytimebear · 30/05/2022 16:19

In my experience, these sort of men aren't prepared to take on any of the tasks even though if they did it would mean you had more time for sex and probably would feel more open to the idea because 1) you weren't carrying all the load feeling like a maid/ secretary and 2) you weren't distracted worrying about getting all your jobs done. It just smacks of male entitlement for me, the subtext being "she is withholding sex from me and I deserve it irrespective of how I behave. I could do things that would make her more amenable but won't because she's the problem, not me." But all that aside you can say no to sex for any reason and him punishing you for doing just that is coercion.

This 1000 times over.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 30/05/2022 22:05

He’s a twat, trying to guilt trip you for sex. Very attractive , not!

GlitteryGreen · 30/05/2022 22:18

Tbh I think it's a possibility you might have hurt him with the "we only did it yesterday!" part.

I said similar to my DP without thinking a few years ago, and it really touched a nerve with him, and he said that I make it sound like a chore.

Obviously you don't need to have sex if you're not up for it, that goes without saying, but sometimes a bit of tact helps a lot...as I learnt!!!